I’m not speaking to my cat today.
He left bite welts on my leg after I tried to stop him from chewing up my poor watch. So, I’m giving him the cold shoulder.
My husband finds that hilarious. “Oh, that will teach him”, he said, because he does not believe cats understand the silent treatment. I disagree. Research has shown that cats have the intelligence of toddlers. If a toddler understands that mommy isn’t talking to him, I believe my Odin does as well.
Since we adopted him, we’ve tried several ways of disciplining him (as much as you can discipline a cat). We have spray bottles, we use loud clapping noises, we pat him on the bum. I scold him quite a bit and lecture him like I would a 3-year-old human. I blame my Asian heritage.
But no matter how angry I feel, no matter how deep the bite and no matter how many picture frames he toppled in the middle of the night, I NEVER say “I don’t want you anymore”.
I doubt my cat understands it, but I don’t say those words and make those threats for my own benefit. I don’t want to be that person. When we rescued Odin from the pound ill, wet, sad, and unkempt, I promised myself I would never abandon this cat.
We tend to develop strong feelings for our pets. We can’t stand to see them in pain or sadness. We lavish them with love and attention and expensive toys they don’t even care about. We stop ourselves from jokingly saying “I don’t want you anymore” to avoid hurting their feelings, even when we know they probably don’t understand!
Then why do we do it to children?
“Stop making so much noise or I won’t want you anymore.”
“If you pee the bed again tonight, stop calling me mom.”
“Look at your grades! You’re no child of mine!”
And my personal favourite, the Asian classic: “I found you at the rubbish heap. If you keep picking on your sister, I’ll send you back there.”
It appears to be a cornerstone of traditional parenting to threaten children with abandonment. There is a false belief perpetuated through generations of mimic parenting that threats of disowning result in obedient children. Horse manure.
Do you remember the last time you were threatened with abandonment as an adult? Maybe it was a breakup, maybe you were fired from your job, perhaps your date never called you back. How did that make you feel? Now imagine you are a child and the centre of your world (your mother or father) is threatening to discard you if you don’t regulate emotions that are too much for your tiny body to control.
I’ve seen misbehaving children stop and burst out in tears in public, howling in terror when their parents threaten them with abandonment. Tiny toddlers with tears and snot all over their chubby faces, grabbing their parents’ hurrying legs, imploring them to stop and give them reassurance of affection but receiving more threats in response.
Why do we scar the younger generation with ultimatums that we cannot handle emotionally as adults? Children should never be made to feel unwanted. No matter how bad the misbehaviour, no matter how ludicrous the tantrum, children should always be made to feel safe and loved.
If I can bite my tongue and check my emotions for my feline, I definitely can do it for my child.
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Previously Published on medium
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