I’d just finished at the store and was on my way to her party. Before closing, I’d looked over my shoulder, snuck into the toilets, and stuck £3 into the Durex machine.
We’d met each other a few times and had been texting non-stop, but tonight was the night.
We were going to have sex.
Earlier in the year, I’d only just had my first kiss behind a Mitsubishi truck. This felt like a huge step up.
She welcomed me in, smiling. We watched the fireworks, downed some prosecco, and let the party’s embers flicker…
We were now alone, with one of her girlfriends passed out on the sofa. I went to the bathroom to freshen up. I threw water in my face and stared into the mirror, before peeking around the door. She was in her bedroom.
I don’t know why I did this next.
I tiptoed from the bathroom, looked around, and laid down next to the sofa. I then closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep.
A few minutes passed. What must she be thinking? Was she naked, waiting for me to walk through? Would she forget our texts from the night before?
With these thoughts whirling, the answer soon came. “Scott, what are you doing? Come on in.”
I opened my eyes. There she was, practically naked, in black, lacey lingerie, with the light from her room illuminating her curves. She was beautiful.
I got off the floor, shuffled to her room, and she whipped off my clothes. “This’ll be fun. Don’t be nervous. Relax.”
She gently pushed me back and I could barely contain my excitement. This was actually happening! It wasn’t long before we were kissing and fondling and teasing one another, and then she asked me to go on top. I obliged, my whole body shaking.
The moment approached. We were kissing wildly and then she guided me in. Soon, the whole thing was over.
We lay next to each other, breathing heavily.
“How did I do?” I turned to face her.
She smiled. “You were so nervous! I had fun, though, so thank you.” She put her hand behind my back and we started kissing again.
…
Morning swung around. I remember opening my eyes and not being able to feel my arm. For a brief moment, I thought I was paralysed, until I realised there was someone sleeping on it. Ahh yes, I remember now.
We kissed some more, had breakfast, and walked outside to reflect on last night. We also decided we wouldn’t do it again.
Well, she decided.
“I want you to know it’s not because of last night. I had fun! It’s just I don’t want another relationship right now after splitting with my boyfriend. You understand, right?”
I smiled. I remember thinking I should be angry or disappointed or something, but I wasn’t. Not really. I think the overriding emotion was relief.
I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was barely equipped for our awkward experience. And as much as I enjoyed spending time with this girl, I couldn’t really see us going anywhere.
Sure, I liked her, and I was super attracted, but I didn’t feel a deeper connection — the thing that I craved. We parted ways and have remained friends since, but we’re not particularly close.
It’s funny to think that this was how I lost my virginity.
Do I regret it?
Not at all!
I’m so glad my first sexual experience was clumsy and awkward and erotic as hell. It removed the drama and gave me an opportunity to learn from someone comfortable in their skin. Just as importantly, we trusted one another.
Sex is a skill. It can be balletic, it can be beautiful, and the pleasure can make your brain explode. This is what the girl taught me.
And this is why I’d do it all over again.
So what would I tell my younger self?
If you find it awkward, good. That’s a given on your first go! Enjoy the ride, try not to fall asleep, and you’ll do just fine.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info?
A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Damir Spanic on Unsplash