First dates are a box of surprises.
When you meet a guy on a dating app and decide to meet him, you never know what you’ll get.
What if he’s a catfish? What if he looks worse in real life than in pictures? Even better: what if he’s more attractive in person?
Chatting can help you to form a more accurate picture of the person.
After all, our personalities highly affect how attractive we are — we tend to perceive extroverted people as more good-looking. And chatting for a few days or weeks before the date will give you a good sense of their personality.
However, people behave differently online and offline.
Chatting online gives us more freedom because we are protected by a screen and potentially a fake profile. There are hardly any consequences for misbehaving online. So even chatting cannot give you a complete picture.
But when you’re offline, that’s when it gets real.
In my early university years, I was an avid user of Tinder. During this time, I met all types of guys. One of them was particularly remarkable: Nick.
Nick went to the same university as me, but in a different department, so we had never met in person. His profile on Tinder was nearly perfect: he had pictures with his puppy, smiling, and a funny joke on the description. The profile was not arrogant at all.
Our conversation happened very naturally. Since the first chat, we found interests in common, which made us connect pretty quickly. After a few weeks, I was ready to go on a date with Nick.
But before, I had an honest conversation with my best friend, Linda.
I told her everything about Nick and our plans for the date. Linda listened patiently and gave me the best dating advice I had heard in years.
She told me to find a reason to say ‘no.’
The logic was simple: say no to something simple and watch his reaction. Does he get pushy? Does he insist? Does he respect your boundaries?
This response says a lot about how he deals with frustration.
Not accepting your ‘no’ is a red flag. It may be an indicator that he’s a manipulative person and has trouble accepting other people’s opinions. In fact, it shows that he perceives his opinion entirely right — while all other people are wrong.
When you say ‘no,’ you don’t have to be rude. It can be something simple, like refusing a drink. Do it politely but incisively — and just watch.
If he behaves this way on the first date, he won’t change.
The first date is when we try to impress the other person and show our best assets. It’s a crucial moment that will define whether there’ll be a second date or not.
If he already reacted badly to frustration on the first date, it will show up again in the future.
Accepting this behavior in the early stages of the relationship sets a bad precedent. If you don’t impose yourself at this moment, it’ll get more challenging do to so in the future. After all, if it was acceptable initially, why wouldn’t it be when you have more intimacy?
The more you accept and reward this behavior, the more he’ll reproduce it.
It’s not easy to see the red flags online.
When we’re online, we only see a fraction of the other person.
Although chatting frequently is a way to get a better picture of the person, our behavior changes.
The truth is, you never fully know who is on the other side of the screen. So it’s tricky to identify these red flags online.
When meeting someone for the first time, this type of strategy helps us identify who they truly are — it’s harder to fake a reaction in person.
Analyzing a person’s behavior on the first date gives you plenty of information about the relationship’s future. If you see any red flags or if anything makes you uncomfortable, the best thing to do is to leave.
When it comes to manipulative people, the sooner you leave, the better.
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Dating online has many benefits. I have met fantastic people through dating apps and know many couples who met online. So it’s not that you should never trust people online — but it’s important to question and be cautious.
On a first date, don’t forget to look for red flags. Observe their behavior and how they react to challenging situations. If they don’t show their best side at the beginning of the relationship, chances are they won’t do it in the later stages.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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