A tale of a princess, a woodsman, and his magical … chopper.
John Gerassi: “One of the consequences of women’s liberation, according to recent surveys carried out on American campuses, is that male impotence has vastly increased, especially among those young men trying to confront their sexism.”
Simone de Beauvoir: “It’s their own fault.”
Interview, Society, 1976
“Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?”
Not so very long ago, there lived a beautiful princess. Even though she was American, she was clever and cheery and fun and everyone in the kingdom loved her dearly. But despite her brains and beauty, the only handsome prince she met turned out to be a toad, and as the years went by, the princess began to wonder if she would ever remarry.
One night, on her way home after a hard day at court, she stopped for a rest at the Royal Oak, where she met a lowly woodsman. He was a few years older than her, a few pounds overweight, and his clothes were worn and shabby, but he was quite clever, for a woodsman, and he made her laugh, and anyway, as she freely informed the woodsman, she had stopped caring about looks.
Now the princess was thirsty, so the woodsman opened his knapsack and pulled out a flask of magic potion, and they both drank their fill. When the last drop was finished, the princess decided she liked the woodsman, and invited him back to her castle.
Inside the castle, the princess asked the woodsman to show her his chopper, but the woodsman had drunk so much of the magic potion that he’d lost it, so he hugged the princess and went away in shame.
The princess thought to herself that the woodsman’s problem was probably just a one-off, so the next night, she went back to the Royal Oak, where she found him playing cards with some friends. Once again they drank their fill of magic potion, and once again the princess took the woodsman back to her castle.
Again, the princess asked to see the woodsman’s chopper, but again, the magic potion had worked its evil magic, and turned the woodsman’s chopper into a tiny, shrivelled pea. So again, the woodsman hugged her and went away in shame.
However, the princess still liked the woodsman, so she decided to give him another chance. So on the third night, the princess and the woodsman went to a karaoke night. Now the woodsman was starting to get very angry with himself because of the problems with his chopper, so this time, he only pretended to drink the magic potion.
When they got back to the princess’s castle, the woodsman was all ready to show the princess his big, hard, shiny chopper. But the princess was in a huff because the woodsman had made a flip comment three hours earlier about how women who put out too soon never get flowers, and told him if he got his chopper out she would chop it in half, so the woodsman hugged her and went away in shame.
On the fourth night, the princess and the woodsman went to a film club. This time the woodsman drank only a little of the magic potion. But when they got back to the castle, they found that a curse had been put on the princess, so that no one could put their tools anywhere near her. So the woodsman hugged her and went away, frustrated.
The next day, the curse wore off, so the princess and the woodsman tried one last time. This time, they went to a mutual friend’s birthday party, and only drank a little of the magic potion. But when they got back to the castle, the princess didn’t seem too fussed either way about seeing the woodsman’s chopper, and suddenly he wasn’t all that fussed about showing her, so they had a cuddle and fell asleep.
On the sixth night, the princess met someone else and lived happily ever after, and the woodsman bought shitloads of magic potion and drank it all by himself.
? Impotence, or as it is often more diplomatically labelled, erectile dysfunction, affects an estimated 10% of the male population worldwide.
The chief medical causes of impotence are arteriosclerosis, a hardening and narrowing of the arteries; smoking; diabetes mellitus; a side-effect of over 200 common prescription drugs; hormone imbalance; spinal cord and brain damage; radiation therapy; Peyronie’s disease, an inflammatory condition; damage to the veins in the penis; and psychological conditions such as guilt, worry, anxiety, stress, and depression.
However, according to psychologist Herb Goldberg in his book, The Hazards of Being Male, many cases of male impotence are “pair specific”: “Men are not impotent today. They only are impotent with some women under some conditions and their non-responsive reactions reflect important truths that they must learn to trust and understand.”
Photo credit: Flickr / grongar