First of all, if you desire to have sex in public it’s best to do it in a car, so your chances of getting caught and then being added to the Sex Offender Registry are minimized.
With that in mind, let’s begin this tutorial (of course it’s a tutorial, but putting TUTORIAL in the title is so very 2011, especially if each letter of “tutorial” is in capital letters).
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Anyway, before we begin, you need to sit down on something comfortable.
I should also note this is a “Top 10 Ways To…” piece, but having top this in a subject heading has also become passé.
Okay. Sit down. On something.
A bed is fine, but a couch is good and even a toilet seat will do. Don’t sweat the small stuff, just relax. And when I say “small stuff,” Jesus F’ing Christ, no, of course I am not insulting your penis. If you are reading this, then it is you, at this moment, with your own eyes taking it in, so it must be all about you… I get that.
Plus narcissism is key to survival in this dog-eat-dog world, but it has no place in a sex tutorial. At least not in this one. I mean, in regards to you agonizing over your penis size.
I assure you, every word culminating into every paragraph of this tutorial is meant to guide only lovers of equal standing: whether they are lying down or doing that butt sniffing 69 position. Equality is key to good sex.
All right, you are now seated, attentively calm, and ready to learn how to publicly expose your genitals with a consensual partner.
Let’s use numbers, but in a non-mathematical way. The following numbers used will be straightforward so no one feels that icky “I Wish I’d gone to Harvard” feeling. Simple numbers help lubricate the process of any mental intake.
TUTORIAL: TOP 10 WAYS ON HOW TO DO THE NASTY IN PUBLIC:
[In order of importance]
1. Fall in love and get married.
2. Skip the above if you are single with no long term prospects for anything meaningful and just move on to…
3. Meet someone who is attracted to you and vice versa.
4. Have sex in public. But do #5 first.
5. Make sure no one can see you. Take note of #6 as soon as possible.
6. Number five is extremely important.
7. Make sure there is a very good possibility that someone might possibly see you humping and pumping in public display, because that is what’s the most fun about doing it in public. But be very certain no one, and I do mean no one, will see the nasty filth you are actively participating in, with this equally debased willing partner of yours, in the heat of passion, in the open where such things like sex should not happen due to the fact that it’s deplorably indecent and super-duper illegal.
8. Get crazy.
9. Go wild.
10. If you’re lucky enough to make it to 69 (no sexual innuendo here, I mean lucky to get old(er), meaning not die before turning 69)—if you make it to a ripe old age, or even riper than that, you will remember this (hot) sex in public.
Perhaps #10 feels a bit sketchy list-wise since it doesn’t relate to “the now” of a “how to,” but one day in the future, whether you find yourself in bed, on a sofa, on a toilet seat or even in a wheelchair, the memory of having had public sex may be one of your most cherished memories.
Remember that.
Very well then, if you follow the above steps, I guarantee as long as you make sure to do #3, you’ll be happy. If you manage to do #1, you’ll be the happiest. Regardless, make sure to do #9 at some point.
Here’s the deal:
Life is like a box of chocolates: If you like chocolate you will eat some from the box, save the rest for later, eat more eventually, or simply grovel hog it all in one sitting and then it’s gone.
Now, please reread the previous sentence, the one directly above, but visually erase any words in the sentence that rely on a box of chocolate—it will be clearer and more meaningful, instead of encased in a shoddy metaphor.
“Life. And then it’s gone”
Happy Sex to You. You animal!
—Photo ‘|’||’| ‘|'[]||{/Flickr
The real question is what are the best locations?
1. Change room of a Walmart
2. In a park or forest on a hot day
3. Library study room
4. Stairwell of most buildings
5. On the beach
7. University Lecture rooms and halls
Thank you so much for addressing an important but often overlooked method of what I think is the ultimate statement of commitment: public sex. My only gripe with this otherwise excellent piece is #5. What’s the point if no one sees you? Public sex should be public and the bigger the crowd, the more powerful the statement. In this age of indifference and isolation, there’s something life-affirming about seeing two people rip off their clothes and go at it in the middle of say, a busy airport terminal and watching security personnel turn hoses on them to get them apart.… Read more »
Wow, not caffienated enough to read this……….. but it’s funny. No ACTUAL tips for public sex, but funny. Two of my favorites of all time (both in my 20s) were in a hammock in Puerto Rico and on the wall of an old churchyard overlooking a city. I wasn’t going to say the city was Cannes,south of France, because that is a little like bragging, but it also is cooler to say. So there, I said it. But also, just outdoors but close enough to sneak back in is great, like hotel balconies. It’s technically part of the room, right???… Read more »
I so totally LOVE THIS!
Man do I love you.