It is especially difficult for me to write this because the silent treatment is something I had weaponized many times in the past. I am writing with the hope that someone out there realizes that there is a healthier alternative to the silent treatment .
Colloquially, the silent treatment is known as the cold shoulder, sulking, or clinically as ostracism. It is often used as a tool by a narcissist to control and manipulate their victim.
The silent treatment is usually devastating to the receiver and the giver — as it creates a rift between partners; its harm is insidious and long-lasting.
Stonewalling.
Stonewalling is a term used to describe the refusal to express emotions. It is often used as a protective mechanism during a conflict. The goal of stonewalling is to avoid uncomfortable, emotionally heated conversations.
Stonewalling, unlike the silent treatment, does not persist for weeks and months. It is characterized by refusal to communicate verbally and nonverbally. Stonewalling can be devastating if the receiver wishes to have an emotionally engaging conversation.
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Is stonewalling abuse?
Although stonewalling seems very similar to the silent treatment — there is an undeniable difference. Stonewalling is born out of fear and is done with the intent of mitigating emotionally fired up conversations.
John Gottman, a marriage therapist, studied stonewalling and concluded that men react to disagreements with more physiological signs of stress than women do. Hence, men are more likely to engage in stonewalling than women.
Stonewalling could also be a defensive tactic learned in childhood. People who grew up in abusive families develop harmful attachment styles. These learned attachment styles are introduced into their romantic relationships in adulthood.
Nevertheless, stonewalling can also be a form of manipulation or control. When a partner deliberately refuses to give their significant other an option to resolve conflict, they cross the line into abusive territory.
Stonewalling has many dramatic effects on the receiver. From depleting self-esteem to a feeling of hopelessness and an acute feeling of rejection. Gottman describes it as one of “the four horsemen” that indicate the likelihood of divorce.
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How to resolve stonewalling.
Stonewalling is not an incurable disease. Sometimes people need to revisit their methods of communication. Through introspection, you can find where the fear of communicating comes from. Through introspection, you can find unresolved childhood trauma that has emanated in your romantic relationship.
Also, seeing a therapist can help to develop healthier communication tactics. Both partners must know where the stonewalling comes from. That way, dismantling those systems that created this found dilemma becomes possible. Couples therapy can help to strengthen communication amongst partners who have suffered the fatality of stonewalling.
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The silent treatment.
The silent treatment is simply the deliberate act of withholding one’s emotions from a partner by refusing to respond to attempted communication and refusing to initiate conversation. The silent treatment is lethal and could occur in all types of relationships.
The silent treatment is, without a doubt, a strategy of emotional abuse. It is used to manipulate and control the victim of the abuse. Its effects are long-lasting and devastating when handled improperly.
Some people who believe they possess high self-control use this as a strategy to hide from their fear of emotionally heated conversations. This is popular amongst narcissists and pathological liars.
Evidence suggests that men and women have polar opposite reactions to the silent treatment. Men are more likely to give up on resolving the conflict. They are more likely to fold and begin a grief cycle as though they had lost a friend. Men are more likely to“loaf.”
While women are attuned to resolve the conflict by ramping up their communication and sometimes compensating to get out of being ostracized; I must mention that this is not in all cases or in any way the reaction of all men and women.
The silent treatment chips away at the self-esteem of the victim. It destroys the fabric of a once healthy relationship. It breaks the yolk of the most fragile force on earth; trust.
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Ways to combat the silent treatment.
- Be gentle, and lead with them: As crazy as it might sound, the giver of the silent treatment is often hurt and afraid. For this reason, it is important the conversation is gentle in order to prevent such a person from retreating farther into the abyss. Let them know that you noticed they are not responding and you would like to know why. If they are not receptive, let them know that you understand how important it is for them to have alone time. Let them know that you respect their alone time, but you would like to arrange a time to speak. Do not end that conversation without arranging a specific time (Saturday afternoon at 2 pm) to talk.
- Be honest about how you feel: Let such person know how you feel about the silent treatment. Express your frustration and the unkind nature of this unproductive strategy. Let such a person know that you do not deserve such treatment because you are worth more than flimsy emotional abuse. If the silent treatment is a deal-breaker for you, state it plainly. This way, you allow the abuser to be accountable for how the silent treatment affects the relationship. With this, whoever is administering the cold shoulder can not walk away with claims like, “I didn’t know that was how you felt.”
- Create clear lines of communication: Oftentimes, people in relationships seek to build houses, buy cars, have kids, and look good for other people. Good sustainable relationships don’t stand on the precipice of external accolades. They survive on the laurels of combating emotional obstacles no matter how difficult. Clear lines of communication take a step in the right direction to make it easier to resolve conflict.
- End the relationship: Emotional abuse is treacherous and presents many unprecedented side effects. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, and it is not fun. In cases where a partner is unable to change, it is safer to step away from the fire than it is to put it out. Letting go of someone you love comes with its wounds and scars. But it is nothing compared to that which the silent treatment can bring.
It is important to set boundaries that are very specific. This goes for men and women. When those boundaries are set, don’t go back on them. It is for your health and longevity. Break the silent treatment, and enjoy your relationship.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Tom Pumford on Unsplash