The path to love is almost never simple. When we decide to pursue our longing for love, we’re led to challenges and possibilities we might never have dreamed of. For me, the decision to become a father—as a forty-something, single gay man—is what changed everything. In this post, I’d like to offer a potent exercise for following your own call to love—and share my personal story.
Recently, I saw the touching movie Infinitely Polar Bear (with Mark Ruffalo and the exquisitely talented Imogene Wolodarsky). In this movie, Mark Ruffalo’s character, who suffered from severe manic-depression, was able to build a life that careened wildly but somehow worked—for the sake of his children. I thought about how parenthood, like any kind of deep love, turns us inside out and forces our world to open in ways we never would choose on our own.
Which led me to think of my own story.
Growing up gay in the 60’s and 70’s was no fast track to parenthood. New York was a giant theme-park of recreational sex, dating conquests and dance marathons. I was on a desperate hunt for love, which usually felt like a complete failure. In my early thirties, I found myself doubled over with a terrible sense of emptiness that had been growing inside me. I had spent so much time looking for love, but so little time actually building it. This felt like a revelation, but I had no idea what to do with it.
In 1999, I went to see Almodovar’s magnificent movie “All About My Mother.” The movie’s protagonist experienced a shattering tragedy in her life; it was only through caring for others that she found the through-line out of her suffering. The movie touched me in a way that I couldn’t make sense of, but soon after its end, my jumbled emotions resolved into an answer: I wanted to become a dad. Even though I was single, gay, and forty-four. I was filled with excitement. And terror.
For the next year, I careened between: “I’m going to do this” and “Am I out of my goddamn mind?”
My dad, a Holocaust survivor, finally broke the silence he had managed to keep throughout my year of struggle. He asked me if I really, truly wanted a child. I pondered that question as I had done hundreds of times before. My answer was still the same. I said “Yes.” My father’s response was stark and simple. “Then you have to jump.”
We were on top of the Queensboro bridge when he said that. The city lights were jewels, and the height was dizzying. His words were just what I needed to hear.
After that answer, I began the process that led me to my son. The day I left for Cambodia, I had my last visit with my grandmother, who died while I was returning home with my son and my sister. Her very last words to me were “Children bring joy.”
And it is true. My life has been complicated and challenging in many ways since then, but one part of my heart has never again felt less than full. With all of parenthood’s challenges, I’m still floored by the privilege of being the sun in someone’s sky.
And this giant detour from my dating life is finally what led me to my partner. Provincetown Family Week is an annual event for LGBT families. I had never gone because I felt it would be depressing to be surrounded by happy and coupled parents. Finally two of my closest friends almost aggressively cornered me and told me that I had no choice in the matter. This year, I was going! In the face of their passion, I listened, and it was there that I met my wonderful life-partner, Greg, who is the father of two children.
Sometimes, love calls us into worlds we never thought we’d have to enter. And when it calls us, our challenge adventure is to say yes. Conner Middelmann-Whitney, author of Zest for Life: The Mediterranean Anti-Cancer Diet, told me a lovely story. At her wedding, an elderly woman stood up and shared a simple question that had guided her married life. At any point of bewilderment, or at any crossroads in her relationship, she would ask herself this: “What is love asking of me now?” She shared this question as a wedding gift for Conner and her new husband..
I encourage you to try this exercise yourself right now. Don’t wait for the right moment, just ask yourself: “What is love asking of me right now in my life?” Asking the question is a way of righting ourselves in the world. Our answer defines our next intimacy-adventure. And saying yes leads us to a future that may be less safe, but will be more filled with the love we long for.
To learn more about my book, Deeper Dating: How to Drop The Games of Seduction and Discover The Power of Intimacy, click here
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This article originally appeared on Psychology Today
Photo credit: Getty Images
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