How difficult it is for two lonelinesses to become one together? What is the song of the siren that drags us towards her and does not leave us to fullfil ourselves, and get to our personal Ithaca? Why do we prefer to be alone? Why do we like the sound of silence?
The sound of silence is the sound of loneliness. It is the sound of your laptop's keyboard when you are talking to other people—without speaking. It is the silence in your mind when you hear another person speaking, but you do not listen. It is your empty house, but your full-of-friends profile.
Why have human relationships become so difficult and complex? Why do we put people in our lives but not in our home? Why are we so much more accustomed to loneliness and isolation? Why do we like loneliness, anyway? It is probably because it is convenient. It provides us with freedom, comfort, fewer economic and emotional problems, more space, and, most important of all, quiet. That is… silence.
We have become accommodated to loneliness. We are enjoying the freedom and the lack of compromise. Everyone likes that. Why would you put someone in your life, when you think he, or she, will disappoint you, will hurt you, and, most important, will discomfort you?
Probably our wounds have made us introverts and we are not trying to create a new bond. We make a relationship for a few months and, just when we reach the tough stuff, we fly back to safety, to our old patterns. The routine, and the constant repetition of some processes, creates the illusion of security; as with infants. When we feed them late, they cry because they feel insecure and not because they are really hungry.
By the same reasoning, another person can be boxed into a toxic relationship. We stay with someone because we do not want to break a routine, a pattern. That is the worst form of loneliness. “I’m tired looking for another partner? I’m good here. What if i find someone worse? He will make things better….” Or even worse, “I deserve it… I suffer for my own good… I am not entitled to anything better….” These are some of the phrases we use to make ourselves comfortably numb.
Loneliness—the ultimate hideout. The moat around our ‘Castle Lonely’. We need to fight hard with ourselves to change it. It is an even harder struggle to conquer the ‘Castle Lonely’ of another person. We can socialize with other people all day, but at night, when we unlock the front door of our house, we wake up our demons. At night they are stronger, and relentless. They know what to do, and you know what they'll do. You can not defend yourself, but they are not invincible.
Ignore them, that is the only way you can defeat them. If you pay attention to them, only then do they power up. Get out of your isolation. Get out of your ‘Castle Lonely’. Search for the castle that needs you. Do not look for the perfect mate. Search for the right one. None of us is perfect. None of us has all his problems sorted out. We all have scars and open wounds. Find the woman that listens to your song and likes your dance—and let go, dance together. First it will be a bit awkward, like the blues we used to dance to as teenagers, at the party where we fell in love for the first time.
Help her to follow you. Teach her how to do it. Give her time and space. Let her learn your dance. Listen to her song. See how she is dancing, and follow her lead. There is no shame. She needs a companion beside her, she wants you. She does not want you in front of, or behind her. Take her hand and dance. What if you step on her foot, what if your cufflink gets caught up in her dress— Continue. You will find your rhythm.
Curled up—get out of your comfort zone. Allow your hearts to find each other.
What if you get hurt? Do not be afraid, you will heal yourself. The ancient warriors, when they grow old, sat around the fire at night and told stories of the marks on their bodies.
A warrior needs to know this to deal with not only their own wounds, but also the wounds of others. You will find a way to help heal your wounds together. You will find the way to transform them into scars. You will look at them and they will not hurt as they used to. You will remember and tell the story of each and every one.
It does not matter what happens at the end. It is not important if you end up with too many scars. There is no destination. The trip is the most important thing—enjoy it. Life is what happens while we are making plans. I know that is a cliché, but it is true.
We spend our energy creating our happiness, and forget to live it.
You conquer loneliness, not when you find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but when you find yourself. Yes, loneliness help us with this. Then, and only then, will you be able to get out of your castle.
Find yourself first, and then you will find your mate for life. Discover your demons, name them, but ignore them. Search within yourself to find what is eating your guts and face it. Stay alone but not lonely. Banish silence and its sound.
Put real sound into your life—music—laughter—speech.
—Photo Credit: Flickr/Nikolay Gromin