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Over the years, what is considered consent has changed drastically. It used to be that one had to say “No” in order for rape to occur. Now one must say “Yes” for consent to be given. That “Yes” also must come without any coercion or threats attached to it. If a victim says “Yes” but they say it because they are scared their abuser will harm them, then it is considered sexual coercion.This pretty much throws the “No means No” campaign into the water. It should be – “YES! means yes”. As we venture through the different areas of consent, I guarantee that each reader will say at least say once, “I didn’t know that was considered coercion!”
Growing up as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I didn’t understand what was considered consent and not consent in sexual relationships. Although I felt uncomfortable being pressured to do something I didn’t want to, I didn’t understand the best way to say no. I am a freezer. That means when I get scared, I freeze. So likely when I feel uncomfortable with something, my whole body will get rigid, my eyes will get big, and I will become mute. When I learned more about consent by working at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I soon realized that nearly all my relationships involved sexual coercion.
What Is Consent?
Sexual coercion is the act of using pressure or influence to have sexual contact with someone. So pretty much it is engaging in non-consensual exchanges with an individual. Sexual coercion can encompass anything from coercion to rape. Consent is key in avoiding these situations.
An ENTHUSIASTIC yes. I think it can’t be more plain than that.
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Miriam-Webster defines consent as, “to concur with what has been proposed.” That definitely doesn’t really apply to sexual consent. Sexual consent involves agreeing to an intimate act while not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, being coerced, being threatened, I have always loved Scarleteen’s definition of sexual consent and used it often when speaking to domestic violence victims while at NDVH.
“An active process of willingly and freely choosing to participate in sex of any kind with someone else, and a shared responsibility for everyone engaging in, or who wants to engage in, any kind of sexual interaction with someone. When there is a question or invitation about sex of any kind, when consent is mutually given or affirmed, the answer on everyone’s part is an enthusiastic yes.”
An ENTHUSIASTIC yes. I think it can’t be more plain than that. We’re not talking about a yes with a question mark, a scared yes, or a reluctant yes. We are talking about an ENTHUSIASTIC yes!
What is not consent?
Consent is not automatic. Simply being married doesn’t give someone the right to cross boundaries or demand sex.
Consent can be taken away at any time. It doesn’t matter what stage of sexual contact individuals are in, they may withdraw consent at any moment.
Consent can not be given if someone is asleep.
Someone who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs can not give consent for sex. That means nights of drunken sex, were all nonconsensual.
Being blackmailed, threatened, or physically forced to have sex is non-consensual and rape.
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“I’m not sure”… “Maybe later”… “I guess a little bit”… These are all words that breathe non-consent. Unless there is an ENTHUSIASTIC yes then it is sexual coercion.
Being blackmailed, threatened, or physically forced to have sex is non-consensual and rape.
Giving non-verbal signs of non-consent, such as pushing someone away, crying, avoiding eye contact, “just lying there” – you guessed it, continuing the sexual acts when your partner is showing these signs is considered non-consensual sex.
Speaking with Your Partner
Having sexual boundaries is an important part to any relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship, one must be respectful of their partner’s boundaries. An open dialogue of one is comfortable with sexually is important for your partner to understand your needs. Communication is the number one way to prevent crossing boundaries and engaging in nonconsensual activities.
If you feel confused about whether you have been coerced/raped, then speaking with one of these agencies will help.
National Domestic VIolence Hotline
Both of these agencies provide online chat options, as well.
Previously published on Ashley T. Drye
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Photo: Getty Images
Ashley
I want you know that I am impressed by your response to our comments to your article .
You are professional!
And I sincerely hope you publish more articles here in the future !
@Iben – That is such a wonderful compliment. Thank you for saying it. It always means a lot to know someone enjoyed what I wrote.
I will definitely be writing and submitting more articles to GMP. In fact, I have a Digital Abuse article that they will be publishing soon. I look forward to your perspective on articles to come. I have really enjoyed these discussions.
Ashley First, I’d like to thank you for you clarification below and this thought provoking article. I’d like to step back for a second and ask some other questions gain some perspectives in furtherance of understanding. We know that rape is a form of sexual control and that consent can be withdrawn at any moment. We know this to be wrong. You can not force a person to have sex against their will. To what extent are other behaviors that control another’s sexuality in the reverse also wrong? If a person were to imprison you, prevent you from doing something… Read more »
@John Gottman Anderson – Once again, wonderful questions and scenarios. I will do my best to answer them as best I can. ” To what extent are other behaviors that control another’s sexuality in the reverse also wrong? ” – No one ever has a right to sex from another. So yes, someone can withhold sex if they wish. “What is the difference between convincing and coercing? Could coercion simply be a form of negative convincing in certain instances? ” – Coercion is closer in definition to pressure and manipulation than it is to convincing. A healthy conversation between partners… Read more »
Hi Ashley I read your article for breakfast and have been thinking of it the whole day. For me consent is important. Yes, enthusiastic consent . And I would never commit to any man that tell me that he leave me if he does not have all his sexual needs met. I have heard several men tell that they don’t have their sexual needs met in their relationship . The men with sexually frustrated women are silent for some reason. As a woman I know I don’t understand what a man mean with ‘ his sexual needs’. And I doubt… Read more »
@ Iben I’ve talked to quite a few men and sexual needs means different things to different people at different times sometimes a matter of a few months makes a huge difference. A married man said when you just get married, you’re having enthusiastic sex every day. After a few years after you have kids or are refocused on career, etc. sex three times a week might be too much. Just because they’re not enthusiastic about sex isn’t because they don’t necessarily not want to have sex, but they’ve got other things going on. I remember something a woman wrote… Read more »
Hi John “When my boyfriend wants sex and I’m busy. I’ll give him a blow job. He’s satisfied and I can get to what I need to do without a big production. She didn’t sound enthusiastic about it. She said it was just something you did for the person you loved. That was an example of a compromise, ” I am certain lots of women to acts like that for the man they love. The probelem, the way I see it is that this is a slippery slope. Soon she may feel like a sex worker , and even loose… Read more »
@ Iben Maybe or maybe it’s a bit more nuanced then that. There are a lot of things people do for the people they love that they aren’t enthusiastic about. We wouldn’t call their partners egotistical unless that act was sexual. So why does sexual get a category of it’s own? When I sit through a movie that my date wants to watch, but i want no part of it; is she being egotistical? Am I being abused because I’ve decided to relent. The details also I think crop in. Did she not have any time for her boyfriend today… Read more »
John I agree it is more nuanced. “Maybe or maybe it’s a bit more nuanced then that. There are a lot of things people do for the people they love that they aren’t enthusiastic about. We wouldn’t call their partners egotistical unless that act was sexual. So why does sexual get a category of it’s own? ” I disagree with you when you say we wouldn’t call a persons act egotistical unless that act was sexual. Imagine a retired couple that both stay at home all day. Lots of us think a person is egoistical if they that let their… Read more »
Iben – I like how you brought up the point that women may begin to feel like a sex worker if they are merely consenting to sex to satisfy their partner and not themselves. John Anderson & Iben – You both make great points about sexual relations between men and women. John – In this circumstance where the woman is the possible one being coerced and the man is the “coercer” (we know it’s not always the woman that is being coerced into sex) – I would say that someone deciding to engage in a sexual activity willingly (giving a… Read more »
Hi Iben, There are a lot of non-sexual or pseudo / semi sexual things that can traumatize a person just as much as sex. For example, my mom’ won’t let anyone, but close family into her home because she’s 79 and can’t keep it up as well as she used to. She also gets upset when anyone (especially one of the boys) tries to clean. Her identity is a homemaker so of course she takes it hard if anyone sees an unkempt house or if anyone else intrudes on her domain. Not so much now, but 20 years ago, it… Read more »
Frankly John
While I do not doubt for a second the examples you give as serious for the persons you talk about ,
I do not understand that you think these are examples of traumas that can be compared to the often life long effects sexual abuse can have on a person .
You have NO idea John.
You have NO idea John…
Iben, I think what you’re not having is that trauma is different for different people. For example, I have a friend who is wonderful in every way except she’s not physically attractive. She’s in her late 20s and has never had a boyfriend. She’s had a “crush” on me for awhile although I think it’s more the case that she feels she has a shot with me. I’m 20+ years older than her so that should put her confidence in context. Anyway, she was complaining / confiding to me that she was giving up all hope of ever being in… Read more »
John “I think what you’re not having is that trauma is different for different people. ” You are right . It is never wise nor kind to say one geoipe of people have it worse than others or to think one is qualified to tell the depth of an other human beings suffering . You are quite right John Amderson. There are so many thing it is impossible for most of us to understand even if we want to . I will never understand the experience of being black in the U.S. I the same can be said about me… Read more »
Iben – wonderful point about roles being reversed on the topic of sexual needs! It definitely does put a different spin on things, doesn’t it?
If someone is willing to leave a relationship solely because their sexual needs are not being met, then I would think that person does not respect their partner very much.
Ashley, This question Iben poses, like everything else, could also be spun around. “If someone is willing to leave a relationship solely because their sexual needs are not being met, then I would think that person does not respect their partner very much.” What about a person who enters a committed relationship, already knowing that they won’t be interested (or able) in the short or long term to meet the sexual needs of their partner? But go for it anyway, thinking it will probably fade away out of “lack of attention” or something similar. I don’t think that person respect… Read more »
Ashley,
“If someone is willing to leave a relationship solely because their sexual needs are not being met, then I would think that person does not respect their partner very much.”
Reread my questions. Some men equate a sexual rejection with a rejection of them. In other words, in his mind regardless of her intent (and maybe she is rejecting him), he is being disrespected. No one should stay in a relationship were they feel disrespected or under valued.
Iben, I am only one person, I don’t know what “men” want or what “men” expect out of a relationship. But personally, I would not enter a committed relationship with a woman WITHOUT knowing what her sexual needs, desires and dealbreakers are, and that we have an understanding to mutually do our best to meet both our expectations! ”And my deal breaker is exactly the same. This relationship will last as long as I have genuine sexual desire for you, because for me that necessary to have my sexual needs met in this relationship .” Frankly (and contrary to your… Read more »
@flyingkat – Thank you foroffering that important peace of advice. I will say that THIS is exactly why a “courting” phase is so important before committing to a person. Being compatible and discussing a sexual relationship in a respectful and understanding manner is very different from sexual coercion. Here is an example of sexual coercion that might clarify this. If you agree to certain sexual acts in the bedroom, your partner may retract that or refuse at any point that they wish. Their body is their own. This is one area that is definitely not shared in a relationship. If… Read more »
@ FlyingKal
I think one issue is that many people put off sex and men especially are told that it shouldn’t be discussed early in a relationship. I think that creates 2 issues. The man thinks that he was taken advantage of and even if he didn’t or wasn’t sure, it increase the investment (not just money, but emotional;, time, etc. He might feel pressured to get something tangible for it rather than simply cutting his now much greater losses.
So two drunk people have sex, who’s the rapist?
When two people are intoxicated and engaging in sexual intercourse, they are considered unable to properly gauge sexual consent.
Many states actually have laws about that one. If someone is considered “legally” intoxicated then they can not “legally” give consent for sex. That is obviously best asked of a lawyer or police officer because I’m neither.
If someone were to contact NDVH and ask me this question, I would have answered in such a way:
“The one that feels sexually violated or is the victim after looking at the different variables from the night.”
“The one that feels sexually violated or is the victim after looking at the different variables from the night.”
I assume you mean “who’s the victim?” and not “who’s the rapist?”…
The more interesting question would perhaps be, if two people were at the time of the act equally (or comparable) both intoxicated and enthusiastic, both one person were to revoke both the consent and the enthusiasm in hindsight, then who would be responsible?
Correction in the last paragraph:
“both one person”
should be
“but one person”.
@Flyingkat – interesting question. It depends what would be considered “revoking consent after”. Revoking Consent and regret are not the same things. If someone asked me whether this situation was nonconsensual because they were confused about it, I would ask questions along the lines of: *Did they do anything to make you uncomfortable? *Did you express disinterest in the sexual acts during teh time or before? *Were they physically or verbally abusive in any way? Most of the time, it takes a wide range of questions to determine what happened during the night and whether at some point consent was… Read more »
Hi Ashley and thank you for your answer. I was thinking something along the line that two people wake up together after having sex while somewhat equally intoxicated. And although both of them seemed happy and enthusiastic enough about it at the time, when they sober up one of them thinks “There’s no way I would freely chose to have sex, hence I’ve been coerced or even raped. This person took advantage of my defenseless (i.e. drunk) condition.”. What they tend to forget is first that the first thing alcohol does is it lowers one’s inhibition, and second that if… Read more »
@FlyingKal – Sorry about the name mistake and thank you for the correction. It sounds like you made the right decision in not sleeping with a woman that was in a relationship. Regret is not the same on rape. The issue here is that it seems like you are being the one sexually assaulted in this scenario. It seems like she took advantage of your drunken (and nearly passed out) state. No one can give consent while intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. The one defense you may have is seeking advice from a domestic violence counselor or chatting/calling… Read more »
Hi Ashley, and thank you for your answer. As you say, regret is not the same as rape. It happened quite a long time ago, and I’ve never thought about in the terms of being assulted myself. The issue here, what I have been concerned about from time to time is, what could have happened if I haven’t walked away? She was drunk too, but as far as I know not as drunk as I was. If we had gone through with it and someone had found us, or she woke up the next day and realized herself it was… Read more »
This definitely gives a good argument for avoiding drunk sex with someone. Besides the point that consent can not be given while intoxicated, it also leaves the situation open for misunderstandings and different interpretations. False rape allegations only occur 2-8% of the time, so I don’t want to go down the road that says it happens frequently. I feel it hurts the victims that are raped and not believed. Women are not always the victims. In the scenario you gave, you are the victim. If she had chosen to claim she was victim, then I am nervous to think what… Read more »
@ FlyingKal There were two cases in college where both claimed they were unable / didn’t consent. In one case, the female student was the first to charge. That male student’s complaint wasn’t even address. In the other case, the male student was the first to charge. The female students accusation was looked at (she would admit that she only filed because he did), but it wasn’t upheld (his was). There was a third incident at another college where the female student complained, but there was no dispute that the male student was black out drunk. So the evidence essentially… Read more »
I disagree that something has to be enthusiastic or even wanted to be consented to. We go to work. Very few people want to work, but we do in exchange for money. Doesn’t mean the person paying us is forcing us to work. Same in a relationship. If one partners needs aren’t meet, they have every right to tell their partner their needs aren’t being met and if they don’t reach a compromise, they’re leaving. It may technically be a threat and be “coersive”, but no one is required to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for them. No… Read more »
John Andersson ” If one partners needs aren’t meet, they have every right to tell their partner their needs aren’t being met and if they don’t reach a compromise, they’re leaving. It may technically be a threat and be “coersive”, but no one is required to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for them. No one is owed a relationship.” I don’t think Ashley here say you have to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy,frustrated…don’t have your needs met. And remember human beings have lots of different needs . For many , one of them is the… Read more »
Iben! Thank you for reading this article and participating in this discussion. I love to see all points of view. I love when you wrote, “For many , one of them is the need to be respected sexually…” That is so KEY to any relationship. Everyone wants to feel that they are being respected sexually. Respect is important in all areas of a relationship. Ideally, both partners will be open to talking about concerns in the bedroom. It’s a big part of a relationship and they should both be able to engage in honest communication about it. We all know… Read more »
Hi Ashley I think, as you say, that respect is important in all areas of a relationship. And also that feelings following the respect you get, or the lack thereof, carries between the bedroom and other areas in life and in the relationship. One area isn’t isolated from the other. Yet I think that a lot of men, when they start to get sexually rejected by their partner and often with degrading remarks about how “all you ever think about is sex” and similar to that, instead of engaging in respectful talks about concerns and desires, their partner often seem… Read more »
@FlyingKat – None of what you say or ask is meaningless. The point of this article is to get talking and thinking on the subject, so I commend you for seeking clarity. “their partner often seem to expect that the bedroom door can be shut close without so much of a discussion, and that this event shouldn’t really affect other areas of their relationship or life.” This is definitely a “relationship” question. Domestic advocates, like myself, try to define behaviors as either “unhealthy” or “abusive”. There is a big difference and they each have their own unique solutions. So sexual… Read more »
“Hint – think of something your wife has repeated at least 3 times and that’s likely it. “ Well, after the last 3, or 5, or perhaps 10 times we did have sex, she would say “Why don’t we do this more often…?!?” But I guess that’s probably not it… 🙂 It’s been kind of a repetitive pattern for me in different relationships. Trying to get some kind of explanation has usually landed in the region of “There’s nothing wrong. Women just have a lower libido than men.” Anyway, I’m not in a relationship any more. Haven’t been for a… Read more »
Flyingkal did the woman you live with expect you to cook her dinner every night?
Why?
And one more question,did she really say that you had no right to masturbate?
Remember that masturbation is not identical to use of porn.
If you two had an agreement about not using porn,that is not an agreement about not masturbating.
How anyone can demand that their partner never have some solo sex is impossible for me to understand.
And I do not understand why you had to make dinner every night,unless you were a stay at home husband,or just loved to cook every day.
Congratulations, Iben.
You are employing the exact same tactic that she did; diverting and changing the subject.
The issue is communication, or lack thereof.
Why and how did the dinner suddenly become the most important to you?
One more thing, Iben.
You always go on about howyou got fed up with your ex-husband, how he expected to be sexually satisfied, without so much concern about your desire and enjoyment.
How would you feel if every other comment I make to you, I would ask you “No, did he really say or do that? I can hardly believe you, Why do you think he did so?”
Because that is exactly how you are treating me with your comments…
Flyingkal
“How would you feel if every other comment I make to you, I would ask you “No, did he really say or do that? I can hardly believe you, Why do you think he did so?”
Because that is exactly how you are treating me with your comments…”
I would not be insulted or upset like you seems to be.
Not at all.
Flyingkal You often tell me that I refuse to answer your questions and that I change the subject . Congratulations, Iben. You are employing the exact same tactic that she did; diverting and changing the subject. “The issue is communication, or lack thereof. Why and how did the dinner suddenly become the most important to you?” The fact that a woman expect a man to make dinner every day is unusual in my circle even if my father cooked a lot my mother did not expect it. So I felt a compassion for you as you seemed to be a… Read more »
Iben, I do not claim to be an expert a communication. But when I am trying to communicate, to convey my experience, feelings or opinion, and the person I’m talking to keeps changing the subject or getting hung up on insignificant (in the grand picture) details, I feel ignored and insignificant. Is that so very unusual or difficult? ” Celibacy plus no solo sex . Insane if you ask me.” Or just some lack of empathy? I don’t know, but for someone who doesn’t have the desire or “urge” for sex, it seems pretty common that they don’t get why… Read more »
“Iben, I do not claim to be an expert a communication. But when I am trying to communicate, to convey my experience, feelings or opinion, and the person I’m talking to keeps changing the subject or getting hung up on insignificant (in the grand picture) details, I feel ignored and insignificant. Is that so very unusual or difficult?” Actually yes Flyingkal,your way of communication is often different from how most others communicate. Very different and at times very strange . And you often seems to feel the right to demand the the other persons communicate the way you decide. And expect the… Read more »
Iben, “Actually yes Flyingkal,your way of communication is often different from how most others communicate. Very different and at times very strange. And you often seems to feel the right to demand the the other persons communicate the way you decide. And expect the other to open up, when you demand it.” Now for the sake of clarity, who’s judging others on the basis of their communication style? Who is claiming to be the expert? Ok, I am strange and demanding, you say. You just wrote this to me ”Did the person you live with expect you to cook dinner… Read more »
Addition: “Iben, I do not claim to be an expert a communication. But when I am trying to communicate, to convey my experience, feelings or opinion, and the person I’m talking to keeps changing the subject or getting hung up on insignificant (in the grand picture) details, I feel ignored and insignificant. Is that so very unusual or difficult?” If you feel insignificant,then I am not so sure I am the original cause of that feeling .” You are right, I shouldn’t feel ignored and insignificant. So I correct myself: I feel that the person aren’t listening, and doesn’t really care… Read more »
Iben The question I think isn’t whether coercion negates consent, which is how I interpreted what Ashley was saying, but rather what level of coercion negates consent. We all do things we don’t want to do and for some that may include or may have included sexual acts, but we agree, we freely consent, to do them anyway. I remember a conversation some guys were having about a Russian dating site. This particular dating service arranged socials a few times a year where the men would come to Russia and meet the women for a few days. These guys were… Read more »
Hi John I have never been to Russia, but I live in a country bordering to Russia. One friend of mine is from Russia. She is well educated and was a teacher at the university when she lived in Russia. She left Russia for maybe 10 years ago( or a little more) She told me how the teachers at the uni travel over the border to my country every weekend to sell sex ,to earn money so that they could feed their children. It is heart breaking . Probably exactly the type of women you describe here “Had these women… Read more »
John Anderson – that’s a great question! Is consent given freely if someone is less than enthusiastic? I believe in that case, it comes down to “how are we defining enthusiasm?” Enthusiasm in the case of sexual coercion would mean that someone is moving forward into a sexual relationship of their own free will and desire. If a woman chooses to have sexual relations with a man, but maybe doesnt find him attractive – that doesn’t make it non consensual. If the man were to promise her gifts or pressure her into sex in some way, then it is non… Read more »
Hi John! Thank you so much for reading my article, first off. It’s important to understand that communication between partners is encouraged. If that communication is dealt with respectfully and with understanding for each partner. Threatening to leave a relationship if someone doesn’t do something is considered coercion/threats again the partner. We, as people, can not force another to do something that they are not ready or willing to do. So, communication is key here. The frustrated partner should communicate their desires and needs in a respectful way. If the other does not agree and chooses otherwise, then the frustrated… Read more »
@ Ashley T. Drye “If the other does not agree and chooses otherwise, then the frustrated partner can choose whether to stay in the relationship or not.” But what if the other partner agrees to have sex that they don’t want because they would rather stay in the relationship. If I’m understanding correctly, you’re asserting that’s rape. I’m saying that’s consensual. They problem with unless it’s enthusiast it’s rape is that it gives ALL the power to the person who says no. Relationships aren’t really formed that way. It would be different in “open” relationships. I don’t want to have… Read more »
Hii John! 🙂 Each partner has desires and needs. It’s okay to discuss with your partner what your desires are. If that partner says no, then that boundary should be respected.
If the frustrated partner continues to pressure and threatens to leave the relationship, then the unwilling partner concedes and performs the sexual act – that is considered sexual coercion.
An enthusiastic YES is required for it to be considered sexual consent.