Jamie Utt offers his version of the “Yes, No, Maybe” Chart to help couples talk about their limits—and their fantasies.
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Clear, Honest, and Open communication should be a part of any sexual relationship, but let’s face it: starting those conversations can be tough! Yes, No, Maybe charts are a great way to begin a deep, accountable conversation with a partner about your wants, needs, desires, and comfort levels in and outside of sex.
To learn more about sexy consent, read my article Want the Best Sex of Your Life? Just Ask!
Directions: Read through each numbered item (preferably alone first, before doing it with a partner). In the blank, put a Y for Yes, an N for No, or an M for Maybe to indicate your level of interest in each situation. If you need to provide further clarification, write notes in the margins.
If particular questions don’t apply to you, feel free to skip them (for instance, if they describe a body part that you do not have). After the Yes No Maybe Chart is completed, sit down with your partner and go through each other’s answers, particularly discussing the Maybes.
- ___ Sharing my sexual history with a partner
- ___ A partner sharing their sexual history with me
- ___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose high risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- ___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose moderate risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- ___ Doing anything sexual which does or might pose low risks of certain or all sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- ___ Using a condom with a partner, always
- ___ Using a condom with a partner, not always
- ___ Using a dental dam, with a partner, always
- ___ Using a dental dam, with a partner, not always
- ___ Using a latex glove with a partner, always
- ___ Using a latex glove with a partner, not always
- ___ Using lubricant with a partner
- ___ Getting tested for STIs before sex with a partner
- ___ Getting regularly tested for STIs by myself
- ___ Getting tested for STIs with a partner
- ___ A partner getting regularly tested for STIs
- ___ Sharing STI test results with a partner
- ___ Having a partner talk to close friends about our sex life
- ___ Talking to close friends about my sex life
- ___ Having a partner talk to acquaintances, family, or co-workers about our sex life
- ___ Talking to acquaintances, family, or co-workers about my sex life
- ___ An exclusive romantic relationship
- ___ An exclusive sexual relationship
- ___ Having a partner kiss another person
- ___ Kissing a person other than my partner
- ___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive romantic relationship
- ___ Some kind of casual or occasional open/non-exclusive sexual relationship
- ___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive romantic relationship
- ___ Some kind of serious or ongoing open/non-exclusive sexual relationship
- ___ Sex of some kind(s) with one partner at a time, only
- ___ Sex of some kind(s) with two partners at a time
- ___ Sex of some kind(s) with three partners at a time
- ___ Sex of some kind(s) with more than three partners at a time
- ___ Having a partner direct/decide for me in some way with sex
- ___ Directing or deciding for a partner in some way with sex
- ___ Doing things which might cause me momentary or minor discomfort or pain
- ___ Doing things which might cause a partner momentary or minor discomfort or pain
- ___ Initiating or having sex while or after I have been using alcohol or other recreational drugs
- ___ A partner initiating or having sex while or after using alcohol or other recreational drugs
- ___ Having a partner touch me affectionately without asking first
- ___ Touching a partner affectionately without asking first
- ___ Having a partner touch me sexually without asking first
- ___ Touching a partner sexually without asking first
- ___ Having a partner touch me affectionately in public
- ___ Touching a partner affectionately in public
- ___ Having a partner touch me sexually in public
- ___ Touching a partner sexually in public
- ___ Having my shirt/top off with a partner
- ___ Having a partner’s shirt/top off
- ___ Having my pants/bottoms off with a partner
- ___ Having a partner’s pants/bottoms off
- ___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights off or low
- ___ Having a partner be completely naked with the lights off or low
- ___ Being completely naked with a partner with the lights on
- ___ Having a partner be completely naked with the lights on
- ___ Direct eye contact
- ___ Being looked at directly, overall, when I am naked
- ___ Grooming or toileting in front of a partner
- ___ Having a partner groom/use the toilet in front of me
- ___ Having my genitals looked at directly
- ___ Having a partner talk about my body with me
- ___ Talking about a partner’s body with my partner
- ___ Having a partner talk about my body with friends or family
- ___ Talking about a partner’s body with friends or family
- ___ Having some or all kinds of sex during a menstrual period
- ___ Seeing or being exposed to other kinds of body fluids (like semen, sweat, or urine)
- ___ Shaving/trimming/removing my own pubic hair
- ___ Shaving/trimming/removing a partner’s pubic hair
- ___ Expressing unexpected or challenging emotions before, during, or after sex
- ___ A partner expressing unexpected or challenging emotions before, during, or after sex
- ___ Not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex
- ___ A partner not experiencing or expressing expected emotions before, during or after sex
- ___ Feeling and being aroused (sexually excited) alone
- ___ Feeling and being aroused with or in front of a partner
- ___ Having genital sexual response, like erection or lubrication, alone
- ___ Having genital sexual response, like erection or lubrication, seen or felt by a partner
- ___ Are you comfortable not having or “losing” erection or lubrication alone?
- ___ Are you comfortable not having or “losing” erection or lubrication, with or in front of a partner?
- ___ Being unable to reach orgasm alone
- ___ Being unable to reach orgasm, with a partner
- ___ Having one orgasm, alone
- ___ Having one orgasm, with or in front of a partner
- ___ Having more than one orgasm, alone
- ___ Having more than one orgasm, with or in front of a partner
- ___ Ejaculating, alone
- ___ Ejaculating, with or in front of a partner
- ___ Having a partner ejaculate with me/while I’m present
- ___ Having an orgasm before or after you feel like you “should” with a partner
- ___ Having a partner have an orgasm before or after you feel like they “should”
- ___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, alone
- ___ Making noise during sex or orgasm, with a partner
- ___ Having sex interrupted by something or someone external or your own body or feelings
- ___ Masturbation alone
- ___ Your partner masturbating alone
- ___ Masturbation alone while thinking about someone other than your partner
- ___ Masturbation alone while thinking about someone other than your partner
- ___ Masturbation with your partner present or while your partner watches
- ___ Your partner masturbating while you’re present or while you watch
- ___ Holding hands
- ___ Hugging
- ___ Kissing, cheek or face
- ___ Kissing, closed-mouth
- ___ Kissing, open-mouth
- ___ Being kissed or touched on the neck
- ___ Kissing or touching a partner’s neck
- ___ Giving hickeys
- ___ Getting hickeys
- ___ Tickling, doing the tickling
- ___ Tickling, being tickled
- ___ Wrestling or “play-fighting”
- ___ General massage, giving
- ___ General massage, receiving
- ___ Having my chest, breasts and/or nipples touched or rubbed
- ___ Touching or rubbing a partner’s the breasts, chest and/or nipples
- ___ Frottage (dry humping/clothed body-to-body rubbing)
- ___ Tribadism (scissoring, rubbing naked genitals together with a partner)
- ___ Having a partner’s mouth or tongue on my breasts or chest
- ___ Putting my mouth or tongue on a partner’s breasts or chest
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on penis or strap-on), receiving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers to penis or strap-on), giving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes), receiving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on testes), giving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva), receiving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on vulva), giving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina), receiving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside vagina), giving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus), receiving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers on or around anus), giving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum), receiving
- ___ Manual sex (hands or fingers inside rectum), giving
- ___ Ejaculating (coming) on a partner’s body
- ___ Ejaculating (coming) in a partner’s body
- ___ Having a partner ejaculate (come) on or in my body
- ___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), alone
- ___ Using sex toys (like vibrators, dildos or masturbation sleeves), with a partner
- ___ Oral sex (to vulva), receptive partner
- ___ Oral sex (to vulva), doing to someone else
- ___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), receptive partner
- ___ Oral sex (to penis or strap-on), doing to someone else
- ___ Oral sex (to testes), receptive partner
- ___ Oral sex (to testes), doing to someone else
- ___ Oral sex (to anus), receptive partner
- ___ Oral sex (to anus), doing to someone else
- ___ Vaginal intercourse, receptive partner
- ___ Vaginal intercourse, insertive partner
- ___ Anal intercourse, receptive partner
- ___ Anal intercourse, insertive partner
- ___ Having food items be part of sex
- ___ Cross-dressing during sex
- ___ Having a partner cross-dress during sex
- ___ Biting a partner
- ___ Being bitten by a partner
- ___ Scratching a partner
- ___ Being scratched by a partner
- ___ Wearing something that covers my eyes
- ___ Having a partner wear something that covers their eyes
- ___ Having my movement restricted
- ___ Restricting the movement of a partner
- ___ Being slapped or spanked by a partner in the context of sexual pleasure
- ___ Slapping or spanking a partner in the context of sexual pleasure
- ___ Pinching or having any kind of clamp used on my body during sex
- ___ Pinching a partner or using any kind of clamp on them during sex
- ___ Communicating my sexual fantasies to/with a partner
- ___ Receiving information about a partner’s sexual fantasies
- ___ Role-play
- ___ Phone sex
- ___ Cybersex, in IM
- ___ Cybersex, on cell phone
- ___ Getting sexual images of a partner in my email or on my phone
- ___ Giving sexual images to a partner in their email or on their phone
- ___ Reading pornography or erotica, alone
- ___ Reading pornography or erotica, with a partner
- ___ Viewing pornography, alone
- ___ Viewing pornography, with a partner
- ___ A partner reading or viewing pornography
- ___ Giving pornography/erotica to a partner
- ___ Getting pornography/erotica from a partner
- ___ Using emergency contraception
- ___ Having a partner use emergency contraception
- ___ Becoming pregnant
- ___ Creating a pregnancy with a partner
- ___ Helping a partner throughout a pregnancy and delivery
- ___ Experiencing a loss with a pregnancy, like miscarriage or abortion
- ___ Supporting a partner through a loss with a pregnancy, like miscarriage or abortion
- ___ Parenting with a partner
- ___ Parenting by myself
- ___ Paying child support for a pregnancy I co-created
- ___ Terminating a pregnancy (abortion)
- ___ Having a partner terminate a pregnancy (abortion)
- ___ Choosing adoption if there was a pregnancy
This list is also available in .doc format on ChangeFromWithin.org so you can edit it to suit your needs.
Also read Jamie Utt’s Want the Best Sex of Your Life? Just Ask!
Found at http://www.changefromwithin.org/
Adapted from Scarleteen
Photo courtesy of Flickr/I Can Teach You How to Do It
Check out YesNoMaybe @ http://www.YNMList.com — this is an site that allows you to fill out a Yes, No, Maybe list and invite another to share it. When they fill out their list – both lists get automatically compared and you both see what kinks you have in common. Really neat — and FREE!
If you want to check out a cool online YesNoMaybe list tool that allows you and your lover to fill out your own surveys and have them automatically cross referenced, check out YesNoMaybe @ http://www.YNMList.com
The problem with a chart like this is that the counter-argument is that it is too organized and not organic enough for most people. I agree with Joanna that it’s probably a good thing to look at this more for self-reflection. I also think it’s a good idea to sort of keep a checklist like this in the back of your mind whenever engaging in a sexual relationship with someone. I don’t think it’s necessary to sit down with whoever and go over it bit by bit, though. I think people make consent a lot more difficult than it needs… Read more »
For the men out there on the singles scene, when do you recommend exchanging this information? Third date? I’m thinking the 3 minutes of the speed-date is not enough time to cover all the necessary material…. : – )
I’m not a man, but as a lady, I’d say that it’s good to have an honest conversation about boundaries before first having sex with someone. To me, although Jamie may disagree, this chart is more for self-reflection at first, to facilitate a conversation. Once intimacy is established, then actually looking at the checklist together is probably a good idea.
But I may be old fashioned!