“It’s true. You can laugh me to bed,” remarked a female contestant on my favorite reality show Love Island.
“She’s pretty and funny. I don’t stand a chance,” a friend of mine confessed while we were getting coffee at Starbucks.
Both statements are common.
And both statements are false.
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The Pitfalls of Humor
I’ve spent the last eleven years developing my social skills.
I didn’t kiss a girl in high school. I knew I had to make a change so I began to read and watch videos about socializing, dating, and relationships in college.
Often, “improve your humor” or “learn to become funnier” was a suggestion by authors and content creators. So I did.
I bought I Only Roast the Ones I Love by Jeffery Ross — famous comedian and “roaster” on Comedy Central Roasts.
I watched stand-up comedy and improv tutorials on Youtube.
My humor improved significantly. My ability to make people laugh was undeniable. I went from shy introvert to most charismatic amongst my coworkers at Starbucks.
And the girl I liked more than the others said I made her laugh more than any other guy.
The approval and praise I was getting from becoming wittier and funnier were addicting. And it did help garner more attraction but my bed was always vacant at the end of the night.
Now I’m no sex-hungry masochistic male. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. I’m the least horny or sexually motivated amongst my friends. It’s never been a priority for me.
But sex is a biological drive, a necessity to have kids, and an indicator that someone is willing to take the next step with you relationally for you can’t have an intimate relationship without intimacy.
So what was the problem?
After some intense soul searching and reflection, I realized my focus on making others laugh was killing my results. Here are 3 reasons how:
1.Validation-Seeking
My self-perceived value became dependent on being funny or making others laugh. If I wasn’t getting a chuckle or smile I felt unattractive or assumed the person didn’t like me.
Humor was my validation-seeking tactic. And when people feel you’re trying to get something from them (in my case, a laugh), they retract and lose trust and interest.
In other words, I became the try-hard. And who likes a try-hard?
No one.
But I wasn’t an overly obnoxious try-hard. I was the type that felt the need to turn anything into a joke because I believed humor was the best attraction tactic.
So while I was conversing with a girl I found attractive, I’d be stuck in my head thinking of what funny thing I could say. This tension and anxiety were unconsciously felt and created a boundary between me and the woman I was attempting to connect with.
2.Comparision
Hyperfocus and dependence on humor forced me to compare myself to any male I encountered.
Whether it was in real life or on television, my ego was observing and judging each man based on their ability to make others laugh.
“Yes! He’s not funnier than me. I’m more attractive,” I’d note to myself.
Or, “shit! He’s funny. Maybe funnier than me? I’m skewed.”
And as with physical beauty, money, and success, comparison is a loss for there will always be someone better.
3.Humor is High-Energy
One of the main problems with humor is its high energy. Which is great for creating attraction, building comfort, and trust (if done right).
But horrible for sexual intimacy for the energy of seduction is slow, calm, and mellow.
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The Attributes of Sexual Energy
Even though I didn’t kiss a girl in high school, I still got plenty of suitors. And many girls that I didn’t know and was too afraid to talk to, found me attractive.
When I happened to build the courage to converse with them, they would initiate sex. But I was too afraid to take the next step.
I didn’t realize this until the girl I liked in high school came over to my house to watch the Superbowl last year.
Seeing her brought back memories of who I was as a teenager. And how my demeanor translated into sexual interest.
What I realized was being quiet, shy, and introverted created an aura of mystery and intrigue that lured people in. And because I wasn’t trying (because I was too scared) to get someone to like me, I appeared trustworthy, indifferent, cool, calm, and collected.
Cassanova — whose sexual aura inspired a self-titled movie starring Heath Ledger — was noted for his suave, sensual mannerisms.
My uncle used to be a wedding crasher. His stories are so engaging they should be novelized. And his presence is similar to Cassanova’s — calm, centered, and mysterious.
My best friend was the first person to help improve my love life. We met senior year of high school. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have gone to prom because I didn’t have a date.
He pushed me into the girl I liked at the time and in a rare moment of courage, I asked her to be my date.
Anyway, he’s the best I’ve personally seen creating sexual interest from girls. He does very little. Basic conversation.
A witty comment here and there. But nothing over the top.
“No girl has ever gone from hysterically laughing to ripping her clothes off,” he exclaims. “Let the sexual attraction build and naturally control your behavior.”
What About Funny Women
Thus far this article has been about men and how their humor increases (or decreases) their attractiveness.
But what about women? Or more specifically, men’s beliefs about humorous women.
Women today, more than ever, are persuaded to become funnier because of the rise of comedic females. Tina Fey, Lena Dunham, Mindy Kaling, Abbi Jacobson, Ilana Glazer, and Amy Schumer are amongst the most popular women in the world. In 2016, Amy Schumer was the first female comedian to headline Madison Square Garden.
But men and women view humor differently. Women find men that can tell jokes attractive while men find women who laugh at their jokes attractive (1).
So, women, you don’t have to be the next Tina Fey or Amy Schumer to bed a man.
The facts remain the same regardless of gender: humor is attractive, but not sexy.
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Attractive vs Sexy
I’ve been pretty harsh about humor thus far but it does have its perks.
As previously mentioned, it creates attractions, breaks down walls, builds trust, and is pleasant to be around. But it doesn’t ever directly result in sex.
Attraction is great in the beginning phase of an encounter. Would you want to get to know (or have sex with) someone you aren’t attracted to? Probably not.
But being labeled as sexy has direct implications of sex for sex is in the word sexy.
You need both for a relationship to blossom. But many (like me) focus too much on the attractive aspect of an interaction.
Improve your humor. It won’t hinder your results unless your value becomes dependent on it.
But remember, they won’t go from stomach-aching laughter to sex-hungry animal.
But I digress.
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Dream Chasers is my email list for those who imagine a future different than their present.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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