You Weren’t Replaceable
They banked on the wrong person
The person they left you for ended up being a failed investment. Their flaws began to surface and suddenly they weren’t so “perfect” anymore.
Abruptly the love story began to fail and all those flaws that made you so difficult (and “crazy”) to deal with weren’t really that bad. The grass isn’t greener, and ironically this all became obvious once you were removed from the picture.
They might’ve had a different belief system, sexual preferences, social status, or looks — something they believed was integral to what they needed. The person they picked might’ve even had more money than you.
Regardless, now they realize this other person was not better than you, and it’s (ironically) because that person isn’t you. They were only gunning for this person because they felt like they had what you lacked.
But that never guaranteed them that this person would also come equipped with what you already had. Still, they gambled on you (and everything they had with you) and now they’ve lost everything,
because even in what you “lacked” you still had more to offer than what they’re getting now. And depending on how bad they tried to convince themselves you were, the guilt of what they did to you will begin eating them alive.
Because little by little, the lies they’ve told themselves about you refuse to hold up. And suddenly, it turns out you weren’t so replaceable after all.
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You (YES You) Became The One That Got Away
And all you had to do was be discarded — and stay that way
They regret discarding you because they really didn’t know what they had until it was gone. They’ve now had time to realize this once they were forced to experience life without you.
Narcissists learn the hard way that perfect does not exist, each time they replace older models with newer ones that they falsely believe are ‘perfect’. And now they regret what’s been abandoned and destroyed — because it’s their fault, and you both know it.
They carry that weight and it’s their helplessness to be able to fix it, despite how effortlessly they were able to destroy it, that fuels the rejection of their accountability.
These lifetime hoovering attempts are your biggest indicators of their regret. Consider it a signal that they’re once again feeling the regret of their choices when it came to you. Whatever it was about you, it was special.
And now they’ve finally realized they will not come across it again. At least, not in this life. Simply put, it’s too late. You were a one-of-a-kind supply and they haven’t been able to find it anywhere since, because it’s yours.
Your individual supply is your “it” factor.
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Here’s What They Don’t Tell You
The narcissist will live with this regret
What they don’t tell you is that narcissists actually do carry that regrets for life, and in many cases it is genuine. After all, if they can’t forgive others, you bet your ass they do not forgive themselves.
They simply ignore the issue and deflect by focusing on their good traits. The tragedy is in many of them never realizing that this is actually what’s happening to them.
Many narcissists remain, narcissists because the guilt is too deep so it grows. Shame is humiliating — and humiliation is a public affair. There’s nothing worse than knowing you left a poisoned legacy in someone’s life — even if it’s just one person.
It stays with you, especially if you evolve. The more mindful and self-aware you become, the more angles you can see the way you’ve hurt somebody from — that’s a responsibility. That takes maturity.
In some cases, they knew (or felt) they were making a mistake but chose to convince themselves they were right. The embarrassment of being that fucked up for no reason is part of what makes them so long to come back. They need a better strategy because,
what the hell could they possibly say?
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It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane — Oh, It’s Just The Narcissist
Back at it again and here’s why
Their own cowardice has slowly begun eating away at their subconscious mind. Your absence has made their heart grow fonder of all those good qualities of yours that weren’t “good enough” before — now that somebody else doesn’t have them.
This is also why, and when, many narcissists will start watching you closely (more closely), and wait until they see you’re vulnerable to hoover and love bomb you again. They will watch your social media until usually around the time of —
- a recent death
- an illness
- some stressful life event or circumstance
- or when you’re doing really (really) well
and then they’ll move in to catch you when your defenses are low — to catch you off guard. Forgiveness may be easier that way. As selfish as this is, they still don’t even realize why this is selfish. They actually consider this making amends.
It’s also actually their cowardly way of checking to see if you hate them, this does involve some guilt — maybe a lot, depending on the narcissist. This is especially so if you’re doing well without them.
They return because your success creates a deep panic, as they’re reminded who really depended on who in the relationships. Narcissists have a way of making their partners need them, or seem needy when the reality is it’s them who are reliant on their own victims to be powerful.
How weak is that?
Hovering veils a deeper fear (and guilt) of being hated for leaving. They don’t want to be forgotten, by you. Being forgotten is an even deeper fear of the narcissist because it’s equal to death in their eyes.
Maybe worse, because let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to forget someone that broke their heart?
They time their hoovering because they don’t want to let enough time go by for you to get over them. But remember, if they keep coming back to you (no matter the time frame), they aren’t moving on either.
They need to change the narrative you have in your head, of them — because they need you to like them again. You hating them hurts. It forces them to acknowledge that who they are is fully capable of making someone like you refuse to acknowledge them.
In other words, this is finally a mess the narcissist cannot clean up. Correction, it’s finally a mess the narcissist has no control over cleaning up.
You do.
…
Checkmate!
The discard did you a favor
It was in your discard that your power move was directly hidden. You just couldn’t (or can’t) see that through the pain. You see, by allowing yourself to be discarded, you allowed the narcissists both, their power and their destabilizer — responsibility.
Narcissists only like taking responsibility for things that make them look good. Imagine blowing apart a relationship or a connection that could have lasted a lifetime, for no real reason other than being greedy, unappreciative, and slick? Who wants responsibility for that, unless you’re willing to admit your own darkness?
By you leaving them with the responsibility of pointlessly burning bridges with you, you have now forced them to eat their words, and remain haunted by every cruel action they’ve taken toward you, every time a new prospect fails.
Because they are left to wander their entire lives with “what if”. But the reason for your victory isn’t because of their regret — it’s because you stayed discarded. You kept your distance.
You went through the grueling process of healing and began moving on. Many are still moving on, myself included, but the point is we’re moving — and not back towards our narcissists. This is why you have beat the narcissist at their own game.
It’s important to remember that when narcissists will go to very many lengths to control their ability to be immortal in your heart space. They will hoover to maintain your attention — even if it’s only to re-write their legacy, in your perception.
Depending on how close to hate (anger) you are, the more you will be hoovered (and even love-bombed) because they truly do care about you seeing them as a “bad guy”.
It’s also actually their cowardly way of checking to see if you hate them, this does involve some guilt — depending on the narcissist. The fact that you’ve remained silent and upheld no contact is why you’ve beaten the narcissist at their own game.
These hoover attempts are evidence that some part of them (and their lives) is now irreversibly incomplete without you. As every person after you becomes just another shattered illusion — You remain the one that got away. You are that significant. And, hey, if it makes you feel any better —
You win.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Felix Mittermeier on Unsplash