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She’d left my house early the previous night. She wasn’t texting me like she had been texting me. So when I was at my friend’s house, and she texted me to ask where I was and if we could meet up, I knew what was coming.
Of all the times I’d wanted her to text me to ask where I was and to meet up … and now, this time, it was the last thing I wanted. Because I knew what she’d say.
We met just outside a park near my friend’s house. She was wearing a purple top. Why did she have to look so good when things looked so bad?
She told me she couldn’t do this anymore. She told me we wanted different things. She told me that she didn’t want a relationship, not now, and that I clearly did.
She told me it was over.
I didn’t accept it and I refused to accept it, and so I did everything I could to keep her in my life.
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I didn’t argue. It hurt, but because I’d prepared myself, it hurt less. I guess I just felt numb. If that’s even possible.
I walked back to my friend’s and told him what had happened. He said he was sorry. What else was he supposed to say? I told him I was going to walk home because I didn’t feel like being around anybody.
I hadn’t accepted that she’d ended it with me. I hadn’t accepted that she wouldn’t be in my life any longer. I hadn’t accepted that she was now gone to me, forever.
I hadn’t accepted it because I didn’t want to. Because that would mean it was real. And then I’d definitely be hurt.
I didn’t accept it and I refused to accept it, and so I did everything I could to keep her in my life.
My friend was still “seeing” her friend, and so we still met up every so often, because I invited myself along every time I knew she was going to be there.
I took everything as a sign.
If she talked to me, maybe she liked me again. If she didn’t talk to me, maybe she was trying to make me want to talk to her. If I texted her and she texted back, surely she was starting to like me again.
Anything and everything she did was some sort of sign, some hidden message, some way of communicating with me.
How arrogant was I?
I started to text her almost every day. Sometimes, I’d tell my parents I was going for a walk, and I’d just walk past her house a few times, just to see if she was in there, and if I could see her, and maybe she’d somehow sense I was around and come running to me.
My texts became more aggressive. I never threatened her or anything like that, but I wanted her to tell me why she’d ended it. I wanted to know. I had to know. I thought about it every second of every day and if I didn’t know then how was I ever supposed to move on?
Not that I wanted to move on. I wanted to know so I could promise her I’d never do it again and that we could fix everything if only she gave me another chance.
She told me she was going to stop speaking to me.
She blocked my number.
I tried to speak to her online and she blocked me there too.
She sometimes spoke to my friend, which I fucking hated them both for, and I’d ask him to copy and paste the exact conversations they were having because if I didn’t know what they were saying then my heart would hurt.
I chose to believe that we weren’t really over. That we still had a chance.
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I think that was my lowest point.
Trying to text her, trying to speak to her online, asking my friend to copy and paste their conversations … I was putting myself through so much pain. Every night I’d feel that pain. Every night I’d feel more hopeless.
I don’t think I ever got over it. Not at the time. I just moved on.
I gave up trying to speak to her, trying to get answers, trying to get her to say anything at all. I guess I realized I’d had enough pain, and that the pain of moving on would be less than the pain of holding on.
Something I’ve realized now that I couldn’t seem to realise then: you don’t need closure to let someone go.
I could’ve chosen to let her go as soon as she ended it with me. Why she ended it with me is irrelevant. She was completely entitled to end it for any kind of reason.
I chose to believe that we weren’t really over. That we still had a chance. That if I could find out exactly why she’d ended it, I could change, and then we could be together again.
I chose to believe that she HAD to tell me why she’d ended it with me, otherwise I’d never be able to understand what I did wrong.
But it wasn’t her responsibility to tell me what I’d done wrong.
It was my responsibility to accept what I’d done wrong, and learn from what I’d done wrong, and then let go of what I’d done wrong.
That’s real closure.
When you give it to yourself.
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Useful article about the heartbreak involved in the death of a relationship. Having experience this life-changing event after 14 years, I can attest to the hurt that this occasions. It is the quest to “find the body”, or to discover the reasons that is so taxing to the one who has been rejected. When this understanding is denied, the angst and turmoil is that much worth. The writer surmounted this human desire and I applaud him for his maturity in accomplishing this.
She did tell you why, though. She said you wanted different things. That means that your needs in the relationship and what she wanted out of a relationship were different. She said she didn’t want the kind of relationship you did. That means you needed more than she had to give you. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. That means she knew you loved more and she didn’t want to go on trying to give more and more when it wasn’t ever going to be enough. It sucks to be the one who loves more in the relationship, particularly… Read more »
Yeah, that’s one of the most unfair things in life: while it takes both people to agree to begin an intimate relationship, it only takes one person to decide to end it, and it’s over.
Guys, my gf wrote this msg to her ex (eventhough she says sh7e never dated him? She did tell me after meeting him that they met, but not these details. is it acceptable? She is a married woman going through a divorce and says her marriage failed after a couple of yrs after getting married .. When we met I just was so happy to see u that I didn’t even talk n couldn’t talk much plus that fear of getting caught with u was there … But day before yesterday when I had to let go of u a… Read more »
It is true, the only form of closure is the one that you give yourself. However, it doesnt excuse the fact that someone treated like crap and just pulled the drawbridge up and expected you to somehow just miraculously understand, particularly if you hadnt done anything to warrant such a sudden volte-face.
had this happen to me once with the love of my life. she cut me off completely and i was a wreck for a long time trying to make sense of it. the lesson i thought i learned after 2 years of heartache was that love is not always a 2 way street, and that’s ok. she didn’t love me the way i loved her and that was ok. after many years had passed i reconnected with this person, but it wasn’t until 20 years later (recently) that the next person made me feel so strongly and i came to… Read more »
Sorry but it definitely WAS her responsibility to tell you why she did this. You cannot conveniently stay mum and walk out without letting your partner know the reason. I’m happy you had the courage to move on..but I would say she wasn’t worth you in the first place if this was her irresponsible behaviour. Such people are not mature to be in a relationship. Good luck.
Absolutely. It’s a cruel and vindictive thing to treat a lover as a stranger. It’s damaging and leads to the suffering he describes in the article. If someone gets close enough to you to have sex with you you have the right ask whatever questions you need to ask and they do have a responsibility as a lover to answer you, even if they need to say they need some time before they can do it.
I’m going through the same right now. I want her back because life does seem pointless without her, days get monotonous knowing that she’s talking to someone else she’s looking for someone else and here I am holding on because she’s my home
I have no clue what to do, she tells me we can’t even be friends because she WILL be into someone else and I’ll not be able to deal with it
Brilliantly and courageously written, well done. Just a point – maybe you ddn’t do anything wrong. People make decisions for all sort of reasons…sometimes they’re a reaction to what we’ve done, sometimes not. The fact is you’ve accepted it is her right to decide for herself and I applaud you for this.
Thank you! And yes, I agree with you that I might’ve done nothing wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as clear as I could’ve been about that. And thank you, again 🙂
Wow Matt, I been in this situation before and with my previous ex. but now i see the big picture, i know what i had done wrong in that relationship and i truly forgive her for her mistakes. She is happy with someone else and i can wish her all the best with no Bitterness. Now im edging closer to the end of my current relationship, This article helps me understand and gives it more clarity. Sometimes things arent what they seem, but if its true love, then it will bounce back. I hope nothing goes wrong with my current… Read more »