I hate Valentine’s Day. I hate it so much I’m writing about it a day in advance in order to undermine it. Sure, I love chocolate and even the stale taste of those little hearts with the words on them. But Valentine’s Day is a manufactured non-holiday (if the banks don’t close, it’s not a holiday) designed to make couples spend inordinate amounts of money on greeting cards, candy, jewelry, fancy dinners, and (expensive) cheap memories. The subtle message is your relationship isn’t special unless you’re going to a lot of trouble to—do what everyone else is already doing.
On the other hand, if you find yourself single on February 14, prepare to feel shame—especially if you are single and unfortunate enough to have nothing better to do than browse social media and judge all the seemingly happy couples. I have been there many times, and I am ashamed to say this. However, I cannot say I was much happier on those Valentine’s days when I was in a relationship.
So in honor of my least favorite day of the year, here is a tribute to the valentine who never was: the woman of my dreams. Let’s call her Lady Love.
Who is Lady Love? She’s the princess whose glass slipper fell off in a haste, and I, the prince, returned it to her in exchange for a (premature) marriage proposal that was destined to be accepted. She’s the damsel in distress who only I could save—Don Quixote-style. She’s the goddess whom I worship at the altar of unrealistic expectations. She’s the fantasy that frees me from the drudgery of my mundane, nine-to-five existence. She’s the air-brushed model who looks just as vibrant at 80 as she did at 20. She’s the steadfast workhorse who can tend to the children, clean the house, cook the dinner, let the dog out, and hold down a steady office job. She’s the powerful matriarch who allows me to continue being a man-child for life. She’s the heroine who rescues me from the pit of my own despair. She’s the psychotherapist who doesn’t bill me. She’s the mother whose belly looks as if she never had kids. She’s everything a (delusional) man could ever want. I could go on.
So, as long as we’re celebrating romantic fantasies, I thought I would do it more directly—by celebrating all the things I have never had in Lady Love. And I never had them because they aren’t real.
Just like Valentine’s Day.
◊♦◊
Lady Number 10: The One Who Got Away—and Tried to Do Me Over
Lady Number 11: A Very Close Flight Connection
Lady Number 12: Damsel in Distress
Lady Number 15: Xena Warrior Princess
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This post is republished on Medium.
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