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I was Atlas and you, my world.
You were a heavy burden on my shoulders, constantly oppressing me into submission. My hands and shoulders were all yours.
I carried none of my own burdens because if I did, I would’ve collapsed and so would you.
And so my burden ate me up inside out. Yet, I couldn’t tell you anything, for you would simply stuff my burden back into me and force me to continue shouldering yours.
I had thought that that was simply my fate; to carry you. To live with constant anxiety gnawing at me while I tried desperately to keep you afloat.
It came to the point that that life was all I ever knew. The life of suppressing my feelings while giving 100% and never expecting anything back.
As torturous as it was, as much as it pained me, you were all I had to hold and whatever your request, I was ready to abide.
But then you left. You left and the weight that was you was lifted off my shoulders in a way that left me so, so empty. You, who I had dedicated my life to protecting, had just left without warning.
Without discussion.
And I knew I should’ve been happy. I knew that I should’ve been happy not to have to carry the burden of somebody else. Yet, I wasn’t.
It was as if all I knew was stripped from me and all of a sudden, I was nothing. I had no purpose, I had no meaning; I was worthless.
Now I realize that you washed that thinking into me. You made me believe that protecting you made me a better person. You made me believe that my only purpose in life was to ensure that you were okay, even if at the expense of myself.
Now let me tell you something.
I’ve met this person. This really amazing, wonderful person. I’ve come to love him and I’m trying to let him love me.
But you don’t know how badly you hurt me, do you?
You left me thinking that it would be better to push everyone away.
You left me thinking that to ask for help would mean to be a burden.
You left me thinking that to voice my feelings would mean to purposefully neglect another’s.
You left me thinking that I was worth nothing if I did not give my 100%.
You left me thinking that I was not and would ever be enough.
And let me tell you another thing; I still think all these. That is the power of the words you carelessly spout.
I still think that maybe it is better to keep everything to myself. I still think that to ask for help would mean to trouble people unnecessarily. I still think that to say what I think would mean to hurt someone unintentionally. I still think that I am worth nothing even if I give my 99.9%. I still think that I can never be enough.
I still think I am worthless; I still think the worst of myself.
However, hopefully, all these will leave me and I will be able to let him love me fully. To let myself trust him unconditionally.
Frankly speaking though, I don’t think it will be that hard. There’s just something about him, you know? Something that makes me so at ease and happy. Something that makes me want to set him down with a cup of milo and share with him all my problems. Something that assures me that he would never belittle me. Something that comforts me. Something that I love and that loves me.
Something far different from the pure black mass that you carried around with you.
Something far different from what anyone in this world could carry.
Something that just makes me… okay, you know?
Something that compels me to stay alive.
Something that just… makes me want to live. Something that makes me want to stay here on this wretched earth just so I can talk to him.
Something that just makes me so, so glad.
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Previously Published on Medium
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Photo by Slava Bowman on Unsplash