Dear Sexes: I’m dating this guy who has to always be moving me around during sex. It starts out all romantic, face to face, but within minutes he’s got me on my back, then my side, doggie style. It never ends! What is this about?
She Said: Yes! WHY do some men have to do this? They’re tossing you around, and you’re looking for a hidden camera or small studio audience, because it seems like a performance and it’s definitely not for my entertainment… Up on the knees, down on your belly, on your side, one leg up by your ear, he gets on top and the next thing you know he’s perpendicular to you and your right leg is losing sensation.
Men: Don’t do this. Most of us don’t like it! One or two position changes are fine, but stick to the ones that get you a good reaction. If you hear a moan or a squeal or a “YES!” then stay there, do that, keep doing that! If she goes quiet and looks bored, then switch it up -but slowly, gently, and find that moan spot again. Or here’s a nutty idea: ask her what she’d like!
He Said: Does your boyfriend sample 15 flavors of ice-cream in one outing, or is he only so indecisive/experimental/a.d.h.d in the bedroom? If this behavior only happens in the bedroom, he’s under the influence…. of porn. It happens. He’s a guy. He’s aesthetic oriented, and probably just trying to reenact his favorite moves from the internet with his favorite gal in real life!
His heart’s in the right place, even if his penis is not. Don’t be afraid to try new things, but don’t feel obligated either. Do what feels good for both of you. You can always beat him to the punch, and steer him into YOUR favorite positions. And remember, you’re allowed to research too!
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo yuankuei/Flickr
Or here an idea, just tell him you dont like it, and tell him what you like.
END PROBLEM
1. Like someone else said-porn influence
2. so he doesn’t come too fast
3. sex is a hobby for men, so of course he always wants to try something new
I hope I’m not too late to join in on the degradation conversation. Degradation is a LOT more about attitude than act, I believe. Doggie style often enters the conversation. My partner had an ex who thought man-on top (huh?) and blow jobs were degrading, for example. A lot of women felt this way about doggie style in the past. Nowadays there’s a controversy over facials. There’s a huge difference between a guy who wants to try something fun and cum all over your beautiful face while you taste and feel the results of his pleasure–and one who wants to… Read more »
I’m with you Aya. I just wonder how many men will admit this to themselves and stop downplaying the importance porn plays in this example. 🙂
Aya,
Good point! I see nothing wrong with porn but I do hate the violence. Why are penises weapons in porn? Women scream out of pleasure not pain. They really need to make porn a lot more sexual rather than violent.
The only way that sex works well is for the man to dance to the woman’s needs. This can include his being passive if she wants to be active. Sex can be considered an “internal martial art,” where receptiveness and appropriate assertion at times are felt internally, and responded to. If you think you have psychic moments with a partner normally, you’ll really have them in good sex. I find that there’s hardly any need to talk, and, indeed, too many instructions can be a problem. Porn is the non-sex because of its need to foster external, visual “excitement.”
I’ve also had this same issue. And I do think it’s portionally porn influenced. It was really hard to just have fun and enjoy the intimacy and sex. I don’t think that they were trying to degrade me but I did feel like more of a prop then a person when it happened. Unfortuntely, sometimes I just put up with it because it took me a long time to feel like I could even say anything to men about what I liked sexually. I think alot of women are conditioned to think about what brings a man pleasure first even… Read more »
good points- understand that it’s tough, though, for a young man to identify what he wants when porn is pervasive these days.. Many guys do see sex through the prizm of porn, and feel that only through re-enactments of it can that feel sexually competent. Because women have been conditioned not to speak up (hopefully that weill change), guys generally don’t get any positive feedback from them on their ‘performance’, and it always turns into an awkward conversation whenever preferences are brought up..
I had this same issue, I felt like we were changing positions every couple minutes, I couldn’t really enjoy myself. I finally had to sit him down and explain that I liked the creativity, but maybe we should spread all those positions out over a couple sex sessions, not try all 100 within an hour. I am a bit surprised the writer didn’t mention if she had brought this up with him? That seems like the first step. Maybe he is just trying to impress her or something. Also, it is possible to decline position changes, I have done that… Read more »
Hey Guys! Would you mind telling me why my comment is awaiting moderation? Is it because I criticized HS one time too many, or what?
My comments always await moderation. I think its because I use penis and vagina a lot. But they always get approved! Check out the comment policy to make sure yours meets criteria!
I know that links are somewhat verbotten here, but here’s the guide (with videos too!)
www . sexinfo101. com
It’s a gooder with, eh… 100’s of positions. I don’t think I’ve even done 10 in my whole life. That said, there’s plenty of bedroom adventures left to be had. Yay for me and sweetest one in the whole wide world!
Some research shows that men often like the dog position best. If you have much experience, you know that that’s the position women are least likely to enjoy (although some love it.) In my experience, a lot of quick position changes isn’t likely to please most women. I also think porn has misled us into thinking that fast beats slow, when slow works much better with most women.
Henry,
I think since doggie has been seen as degrading, some women may feel uncomfortable in that position. However, I personally prefer doggie or any position similar. I don’t consider it degrading just because we are not face to face. Its just a practical position for both involved and both can get the maximum pleasure. He can stimulate her, caress her all over, even kiss her, have better access to her g-spot, and penetrate deep. However, if he goes too fast or too hard then it hurts and I think as you said, men just need to slow it down.
Right, what I’d call G-spot focused women seem to like doggy, or even legs over shoulders in missionary, which most women don’t seem to like. Sometimes they like slightly faster, and can come almost continuously. The G-spot is just the other side of the clitoris, which is actually large, like an internal penis. The other extreme seems to be a front-clitoris focused woman, who gets off best from having the clitoris ground against slowly (or cunnilingus.)
Wait a minute. There’s more than one position?
Exactly, Mark. It sounds as if in this particular relationship, she’s sacrificing her own needs to please her partner and isn’t willing to speak up for herself. This, unfortunately, happens in many relationships. Sometimes it’s the man sacrificing and sometimes it’s the woman (we’re talking heterosexual here). Often, they both are because they’re scared to talk about such a touchy subject. Often, a compromise is possible and sometimes–you’re just incompatible. You have to chose whether it’s worth it to stay in the relationship despite this. And you’re right–there’s a huge difference between being influenced by porn and just liking something… Read more »
This is really a communication and accommodation issue. While she may want to stay in missionary to “stay in the groove” or because that’s the only position SHE ENJOYS or feels comfortable, he may not like missionary or may want to change positions because that’s what works FOR HIM. To say he’s just “influenced by porn” and just needs to stop it, is as disrespectful as his desires as the man in this scenario is being to his partner by putting her positions she doesn’t like. For their sexual relationship to work they’ll need to communicate and work on accommodate… Read more »
I agree that no one wants a position shift when the current one is amazing but he may also be trying so many different positions so he can last longer. I think her problem isn’t really the positions but intimacy. She wants that face to face connection with him. Missionary usually provides good connection between partners because it is face to face and heart to heart. However, in different positiions we can still establish romance and intimacy. If he holds her hand, kisses her foot, her legs, shoulder etc. Even in doggie he can bend forward and kiss her back,… Read more »
Good response, JR. Too quick and mechanical position changes can be red flags that a guy is trying too hard, using you as a prop, obsessing over his performance, or practicing for a porn audition/his next girlfriend–instead of being present in the moment and having fun. Yet,–there are PLENTY of positions other than missionary that can also be very intimate if you have the right attitude, even if you’re not the most adventurous person in the world. A partner wanting to try something new doesn’t mean that he/she hates what you’ve been doing. It should be looked at as an… Read more »
The letter-writer shouldn’t worry. Faced with a woman who’s uninterested in trying anything new sexually, he’s very likely going to try someONE new very soon. And then her problem’s over.
Joanna, I see typhon’s point. The problem perhaps is that you are addressing men directly while he is addressing women directly. The result? Your response reads as advice to men without indicating that women could simply speak up and say what they want in the moment. “He Said’s” response invites women to do some of their own research and speak up about where and how they like to be touched. That said, I’m definitely a fan of changing positions a lot during sex, and I don’t think it’s because I’m trying to recreate anything I’ve seen the pros do. I… Read more »
And if your partner digs that it’s great. Some women need a very specific position over a period of time to have an orgasm (if they orgasm during penetration). Changing it up that much will not allow for them to get in their groove. But the woman should certainly tell you that and there should be give and take for each partner’s pleasure.
That reminds me of one partner I had. She was able to reliably get off in one position, but once she did it was pretty much, “okay, hurry up and finish your part.” Kinda made me feel like a prop.
Yeah, it should be either way, but both/and and variable based on who is into what. Communication, of course, is key.
Travis,
I agree!
Ahh I can see that it comes across that way. Not that this matters, but often we try not to double-up information, so if Eli says something I often just won’t — it just gets too redundant, even if it “protects” one of us from being told we’re leaving something out. Also, generally, I try to talk to the guys, and he tries to talk to the girls, if applicable. It has nothing to do with stripping women of agency. I certainly didn’t say, “Whatever you do, don’t tell him what you feel or want.” And if you go read… Read more »
Aquarians are known for this.
What do fish tanks have to do with anything?
@Craig Williamson Vandenburgh: “Aquarians are known for this”
Really? 😮
Actuallly I DO that (and I’m an Acquarius). I like changing position, I get bored staying in the same for several minutes in a row.
And I’m not thinking about porn when I do it, I try to follow my sensations.
Maybe I have bed-related ADHD? 😉
Huh. I didn’t realize switching it up was considered degrading now. Husband and I do at least three positions each time as each one has its unique benefits.
Incidentally could ‘she said’ possibly strip women of agency any more?
Hmm, I don’t see where anyone said it was degrading.
Definitely didn’t say it was degrading. I don’t think it’s degrading, I just don’t see the purpose of eighty bazillion switch-ups, and almost all the women I know think it’s hard to get into their “groove” when the moment you start to enjoy something, he’s making you slide to the end of the bed, put one leg up, the other between his two legs, your hand on his ass and the other just trying to hold yourself up. I mean, just as a theoretical ;). But degrading? Nah. PS I, too, enjoy a few position changes. But I’d say three… Read more »
Agreed. Didn’t seem like she felt degraded, just annoyed. In which case she should do what anyone should do…speak up. People often write advice columnists knowing what they should do. Many people just want the permission. That’s not Joanna denying her her own agency, that’s her maybe not taking it to begin with. And HS/SS often addresses one gender or the other, eh.
I get tired of being treated like a piston. One position, in and out, after a while, gets boring. I get tired of feeling like I should be grateful just for being present while she has a good time. After all, I’m just a guy. Sex is sex, right!? 🙁
Also curious how I’m stripping women of agency?
I think typhon meant that your advice was for men to try to do whats working for the lady and for her to lie there and hope he does it right, rather than taking control like “he” said.
Sorry, just noticed you got this below 🙂
Yeah, sucks to be you. Oh for the days of 5 minutes of missionary and a good night’s sleep 🙂
I read the subheading “A woman wonders why her boyfriend can’t just be happy with Missionary Position.” and was prepared to offer a spirited defense of switching it up once in a while. But during one session? I can see adjusting when things aren’t working – I know I’ve had to try out three or four positions until I found one that was just right – but I think all of the moving and contortions would just be distracting.
Ummmmm…. Maybe she should get off her lazy back and do the work of woman on top from time to time.
Geez!
I bet she would if he wasn’t tossing her around 😉 She needs to tell him to HOLD STILL! 😉
and men still don’t see the problem with watching porn. Its not a how-to guide. those things you use that you think make you look competent in bed are the same things that women make fun of you for the minute you leave the room. Do us all a favor and check back in reality now and then. Plenty of women read erotic/romanitc novels. I have yet to hear a woman exclaim: “No, you can’t leave me, I simply couldn’t live without you my dear” (in exaserbated tone) because they actually thought it would play over as well in real… Read more »
amen.