Is it ever OK for a man to keep nude pictures of his former lovers?
Dear Sexes: A while ago I found some nude photos that my amateur artist boyfriend has of his ex-girlfriends. I’m cool with his friendships with these women, but the photographs are too much for me. But he is really against deleting them. It’s been bugging me and not discussed since then. What do I do now?
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She Said: First, I don’t think he should delete them.
Second, it “came out” that he has these photos? Did it, perhaps, come out because you were snooping? Just curious.
I feel like my entire adult life I’ve been hearing that men are visual and women are multi-sensory. I always bought this because men use the majority of pornography. But after many deep conversations with lovers and male friends, it seems to me this generalization is really off. The men I’ve known almost always rely upon memories for masturbation, even if they’re initially aroused by pornography. They go back to smells, touches, and sounds as well as images in their memories at least as much as we do.
Not very comforting, huh? Well, it should be. Your boyfriend doesn’t need those images in order to hang onto those exes; it’s all there inside of him. You can’t control the images in his mind, you have to trust him on that. The images on his computer, if respectful and consensual, are probably just his art. You can’t ask him to delete his art.
I grew up with nude paintings and photographs on every wall in my house, it seemed, as my father is an artist and photographer. I learned early on the difference between “nude” and “naked”. Try to be objective with these photos and comfort yourself in the knowledge that they’re probably nudes rather than nakeds.
If you trust that he loves you and is true to you, then who cares? Pose for some yourself or encourage him to find models who will pose for him. Watch the process, it’ll help you understand why each exposure is unique and can’t easily be replicated.
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He Said: It’s no crime to have old photos of exes. But your boyfriend is really using his photographer card as leverage here. Of course he knows you won’t ask him to get rid of his “art.” Does he display these naked ex-girlfriend photos as art on the walls of his apartment? How does the subject keep coming up? Tell him to make (and display) some new art of his current muse: you!!!
Really, he should be thankful you are secure enough in your relationship (and yourself) to allow him to be friends with his exes. That should be enough freedom for him. Alright, maybe he’s a sentimental dude, and he needs to keep a few pictures of his exes around. Fine. But the naked pictures?!? Is he using them for his current portfolio? Doesn’t he have any clothed, artistic pictures of his exes?
The naked pics need to go! He needs to throw them out, or he needs to hide them away, so you don’t need to see them, and no one’s thinking about them. As long as you’re not being the nagging, insecure, jealous girlfriend, you’re well within your rights. Maybe you can close your eyes, plug your ears, sing a song to yourself, and he can hide them far away! It’s like hide and seek, but with photos—and there will be no seeking! When the music’s over, and you open your eyes, the two of you will be able to go back to normal bliss. If that’s not viable, buy him a shredder for the holidays, and tell him “For the new year, let’s make a fresh start.” Happy 2012! Don’t you just love new beginnings?!
If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo leo.jeje/Flickr
Try reading ‘I Hate His Ex’ by Alex Moore. I’ve just read it and it has really help me sort out loads of problems within my relationship. It is definitely worth a try!
His archive of photos is a wonderful gallery of erotic musings, both empowering and celebratory.
The new girlfriend’s insecurity is manipulative and troubling – does he really need to stay with a manipulative emotional abuser? Time for him to move on.
I don’t see why he would have picture, nude pictures of his past loves. I for one would never take nude or suggestive pictures for any man. Obviously he really doesnt care about the pictures or the womnen in them. if the girlfriend can find them how many guy friend seen them. He is not cherishing the photos, he is parading them in her face. She should dump him for someone more mature and righteous.
The original letter is a fascinating Rorschach test. It includes almost no context, and most of the posters here have been quick to supply their own. We’ve had people assume that the boyfriend is “parading” the photos, and that girlfriend wants him to forsake his entire erotic past. Either could be true, neither is supported in the OP.
I enjoyed your take on the amount of projection in a number of the comments. We see the world through the lens of our own lives, dark, light, rosey, or twisted. I try to put my reality check glasses on. Sometimes I even succeed.
Wow, some really strong feelings are erupting here. I am a woman who experienced what Grinir is describing, and it is really hard to deal with. I’m a poet, and one of my favorite poems was written about someone from my past. I have absolutely NO FEELINGS for that guy whatsoever at this point. I don’t lust after his memory or wish I was with him or think fondly of him when I read the poem. The poem itself is important to me, because I remember the day I wrote it, how freely my thoughts seemed to flow that day,… Read more »
^^^ The best comment I’ve read here so far. It’s all about trust and being considerate of your partner’s feelings. If neither one of them can do this, then I suggest this lady end the relationship.
The truly NUTTY, and ugly developments springing from the computer world & the internet age continue to amaze me. Very early in this article, an observation was made which was as true 1000 years ago as it is today… *** “You can’t control the images in his mind…” Most folks SHOULD have been aware of this 50 years ago — long before the advent of computers & digital photos. Most women of the day also seemed to be OK with this, as there were few instances of girls chainsawing the boyfriend’s neck off in an effort to control his thoughts.… Read more »
I feel like the answer for the original question might be putting them in a safety deposit box (which odds are the boyfriend either already has or could use for other documents). That way he has the images if he needs them for work or if they break up, but they’re also not just laying around the house. Because jerking off to the idea of your ex is a little different than keeping photos of her snatch in your office.
Ugh, this is among the most noxious, manipulative bullshit I can think of. A woman who pulls this sort of stuff is not a woman I could ever consider dating. There is a word for groups that make you sever ties with your past in hopes of preventing you from remembering what your life was like before you joined– a CULT. That is exactly what this behavior is. It’s unhealthy and unacceptable, and I will not put up with it. If you want my love and attention, you need to be awesome enough to merit it on your own. Making… Read more »
Way to read into things! In the original question she makes it clear she is fine with friendship, it is just the nude photos that make her uncomfortable. She’s hardly trying to cut him off from his friends and family.
Okay, you toss out the pictures, but then where does it end? As a guy that has had completely platonic letters from women that I never even had a romantic relationship with thrown out by a significant other, I have to wonder far this erasure of a person’s past has to go. What if the person who is the subject of the photographs is living on the other side of the world with a spouse and six kids? What if the subject is deceased? What if it is stills or video of a past love in a bikini, but it… Read more »
It is simple. Speak to him of your concerns. If you are deeply concerned by these images and are not finding the conversations with him comforting, I would wager he is not meeting a deep seated need for your in this relationship. It is not your job to change him. If he is not willing to make a change that allows you more space in his half of the relationship, your options are limited based on your level of integrity. You can manipulate, you can wheedle, you can become emotional, you can accept with grade, you can accept with passive… Read more »
Of course, I mean you should delete photosd your GF found about. I am too sleepy after writing that essay.
So… you should delete nude photos of your former girlfriends which you learned about by breaking into his computer/stash/safe/whatever without his permission because it makes you uncomfortable, right ?
Remind me of this topic next time some feminists bring up the topic of “slut shaming” or something.
i agree, he should keep this “art” nude photos of his ex-girlfriends. but sometimes you have let go of the old( or just put it away) to make room for the new.
No, because men should always do what they want regardless of how their gfs feel. *sarcasm*
I’d say the bigger issue is why she’s insecure about it, if it’s really art. If it’s simply “porn” then I could understand but artful shots? Why does our society have such a bee in it’s bonnet about nudity?
I would hazard a guess that it’s the way the art was handled. She apparently was shocked to find it. If this was his art, why was it a secret? The artist I dated who did this kind of stuff had it proudly displayed on his walls, was eager to show the work to me, etc.
There could be many reasons why she’d have a bad reaction to it. As for me, I’d bet on the above.
Where do you get the impression that it was secret? Photographers store their pictures in albums or portfolios, or more recently on computer drives; that’s hardly acting “guilty.”
Unless you have a suspicious mindset already, of course.
Because: If she knew his type of art, it wouldn’t have been shocking.
Most artists who make this type of art use their partners as models. Good practice, convenient scheduling, it just works. If she knew he did that kind of art, then finding such pictures wouldn’t have been shocking in the least.
@alice said…
“No, because men should always do what they want regardless of how their gfs feel.”
Yes they should as a matter of fact.
You know reading some of these comments here… I have to wonder if their situation was reversed, how many of you guys would like it if your girlfriend kept nude pics of ex-boyfriends?
I guess I’m thinking what I don’t like for myself, I don’t like for anyone else.
Change the photos to old love letters from exes–does he still have an obligation to destroy them just to make her happy? Should he also refuse to mention any of his past relationships too, just in case THAT makes her uncomfortable?
When does she take responsibility for her own feelings and consider WHY she’s so uncomfortable with this, when he’s done nothing wrong?
MANSPEAK:
snooping=when you catch a man in the wrong and he’s trying to blame you
I love you= i can do what I please sexually, and that’s ok because I love you
Question: Would it be fine for her to send nude art of herself to an ex???
Want some coffee with your misandry?
How about you answer my questions…It’s not misandric to point out how hypocritical men are
Was the art made before or after they were dating? Are they a photographer or artist or is it for erotic and fantasy reasons? What matters is the reason behind the photos.
It’s not misandric if you point out SOME men, but to assume it as all men is the misandry. Be careful on how you word statements. The way you have written it sounds like everytime a man says I love you, it’s for a devious reason. Do you really want to stir the pot and have a bunch of men detailing womanspeak?
Question: Would it be okay for her to send nude pics of herself to an ex?
ANSWER: Not when she’s currently dating him, no. Nor would it be acceptable for him to send dick pics to an ex right now.
Follow-up question for Alice: Would it be OK for her to keep love letters from her ex-boyfriend, or should she be required to publicly burn them and swear never to mention his name again?
Why throw them out? I had naked pictures of my ex for a long time. I forgot they were there, really. In any case, I’d be more worried about sentimental pictures – of them kissing or touching moments. Even those, however, are his property, and a memory of something that, hopefully made him happy. Why be so insecure that imagining him happy with anyone else makes you think less of him or his fidelity?
Gosh, I’m an insecure person and even this is just kind of a meh event. I just hope he doesn’t use them for a desktop! 😀
If they’re his art, why are you only seeing them now?
I’ve dated an artist who had a lot of photographs he’d taken and paintings he’d done, and I knew about them and saw them right after we started dating. It strikes me as odd that they weren’t shown off, if they’re art.
It’d never occur to me to take such photos. But I have a good memory. I think I have a lot of written erotica from one long distance relationship.
By throw them out, I don’t mean the pictures. I mean the person doing the requesting, just in case I wasn’t clear.
If anyone asked me to delete nude pictures of my former girlfriends I would say “no”. If they persisted, I would throw them out. That’s my personal history, and they don’t get to control that. Nor would I ever ask her to throw old boyfriend pics out. In a society, such as ours, that doesn’t believe in any permanent relationships, such demands are even more ludicrous. Maybe, in the end, my former girlfriend will have treated me better than my current one, but oopsie, I threw away all my pics of her both nude and unnude because they made my… Read more »
I don’t have a strong opinion here, but do want to weigh in that this was very entertaining, especially that last bit about the shredder. 🙂
“I found some nude photos that my “amateur” artist boyfriend has of his ex-girlfriends.
If they aren’t in a show or have the potential to be in a show…
I’m cool with his friendships with these women, but the photographs are too much for me.
Which insecurity is has longer consequences, you abandoning you or him abandoning you?
But he is really against deleting them. It’s been bugging me and not discussed since then.
He won’t consider your feelings or discuss a solution that you both can live with?
What do I do now?
Josie, you mentioned growing up in a house with nude works of art on the walls. Just curious–were they all female nudes? Seems like female nudes are considered much more acceptable and mainstream than male nudes. I wonder if the level of comfort would be different with most people if the pictures on the wall were male. From personal experience, I can say that of the nude artworks that were presented or taught in school/art classes, most were of the female form. If this is acceptable and truly art, then where are all the depictions of the naked male form?… Read more »
Just look at some roman art. 🙂 Plenty of lovely male nude statues, at least! Females too, really, but thats beside the point. I imagine that it is to some extent harder in this day and age to find men willing to pose for the nudes.
I grew up around male nudes, too, so I was referring to nudes that were equal-opportunity. Though there were more female as it is customary that more women are models in life drawing class. I grew up so comfortable with classical art of nude males that when I first saw a circumcised man I was like, “What’s wrong with your penis?” We had nude Jesus, complete with pubes and weener in our house and lots of books with statues of David and classic Roman and Greek art.
It doesn’t matter if it is art or not. If you are so uncomfortable with them that you are asking him repeatedly to get rid of them, and he is so attached to them that he repeatedly refuses, this is not a good match. You need to decide if this is something that is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, by itself or in combination with other things going on, then it’s time to leave. If not, get over it and move on. He’s already shown his intention not to get rid of them. And, of course,… Read more »
Depends, there really isn’t enough information here. If they’re genuinely art gathering dust in a portfolio somewhere, then there’s no reason to be jelous. He probably worked hard to make them and asking him to throw them away just because he has a new girl isn’t very fair. If, on the other hand, they’re in a folder full of porn or something… I think you get the drift. That said, Josie raises a good point: even if you police his porn folder, you can’t police his memories. If him thinking about other women bothers you then you need to talk… Read more »
We agree Peter. Talking about it needs to be the first step. I think he has the right to his arousal and things that turn him on, just as she does. No doubt her memories are filled with images of past lovers, sex symbols etc. I see little difference. She shouldn’t snoop, he shouldn’t flagrantly throw them in her face, but they should, as a couple and lovers, be able to discuss.