Joceleyn Wentland has discovered the joy of sex research and wants to share with her findings.
1. Sexual needs
Just because you are not in a ‘relationship’ does not mean you are dead. And solo sex just doesn’t cut it sometimes. As one of my participants said: “Casual sex is now more popular than it used. Even really good friends will have sex together to compensate each other’s lack of affection from elsewhere and sexual needs.” Ditto, friend. Ditto.
2. Convenience
FWBs provide convenient access to sex while not in a relationship. Don’t feel like shuffling off to the local watering hole tonight to prowl for drunken sex? No need. You can make a sober phone call (yes, as in speaking with someone on a telephone) to your FWB and make plans that might involve dinner and an après dinner show.
Oh, you’re single again? Interesting. So is your former FWB. Is it rebound sex if it’s a former FWB? I don’t think so.
3. No strings attached!
As a good friend of mine once told me “Friends with Benefits are great because you get the benefits of sex without the bullshit of a relationship.” Yes, that’s a direct quote.
No fights. No boring family dinners. No lame Christmas parties.
Just great sex. And hopefully lots of it.
4. Repeat sex = better sex + experimentation
Tired of sloppy drunken sex at 3 in the morning? Worried that you’ll never get that person out of your house tomorrow after they pass out after lackluster sex and then they’ll try to move in with you the next day? Then how about having repeat sexual encounters with one person? Heck, who said you couldn’t bring in a third to your Friends with Benefits?!
As another participant said: “You can be yourself, experiment, they already know you so you don’t have to be overly embarrassed, and there’s no judgement.”
5. Safety
Some people feel safer having sex with a friend than a stranger. This is especially true for some women (all date rape statistics aside). Also since this is a friend, hopefully you are honestly disclosing previous STI histories with one another.
6. Sexual intimacy
Some people have difficulty being sexually intimate with someone they don’t know well. For FWB, since this person is a friend, it may be easier to be intimate with someone when you know you won’t be judged.
7. Ideal wingman/wingwoman
If you and your FWB are not romantically interested in each other (which is a basic ground rule for getting into a FWB in the first place) then there’s no reason to lose your shit when they meet someone else. Your FWB could be your best wingman/wingwoman ever!
8. No gifts!
How about not having to buy those requisite holiday or birthday gifts for your significant other? Hello $3 birthday shooter at the bar. $1 if you live in Indiana.
9. The ultimate answer to “Who pays?”
Who pays? You both do. You pay your half, your FWB pays theirs. No debates. No fights. No negotiations. It’s always separate cheques for FWB.
10. Knowing where you stand
Compared to many other casual sexual relationships, there is often the most discussion in a FWB. What are we doing? What are the boundaries? What am I allowed to post on your Facebook? Am I allowed to text you late at night? Do we tell our friends?
I started a FWB relationship about 10 years ago and I ended the sex 7 years ago. We are still good friends today. It can work, but communication and respect are very important. I felt like he was getting too attached so it was the right thing for me to say no more sex. I care about him as a friend and didn’t want to hurt him.
People are so afraid of getting hurt now days; you can have all that with a real relationship without getting into some empty meaningless sex. So what is wrong with actually having a real relationship? A friend with benefits still requires you to do something, go out Be a friend, spend time …INVEST. Feeling horny, so feel horny, good time to navigate what is it that you want in your next relationship, Feel lonely? so feel lonely, stop trying to use other people to fill a gap you can only fill… FWB is a way to avoid emptiness, to avoid… Read more »
Exactly !
And you loose a friend in the proses.
Fwb has its ups for sure I have been this before but I will say it helps with the relationship they have at home with their other halves….nsa (no strings attached) rules need to be placed between fwb before things get out of hand!! Control fwb so it don’t get out of hand I am still a fwb with the same person. And I also will say same sex fwb helps more than you think…we still hang out and have a great time together even with their other halves that’s the best part of no strings attached don’t get emotionally… Read more »
So really you are just talking about cheating in your scenario which is pretty dodgy behaviour and not the kind of FWB relationships that are being advocated or discussed here….
I recently became singe nd a friend of mine did as well. We get along very well and we talked about how our long term relationships had made the thought of a new relationship grow stale. We became FWB and we have had a few nights together, we hang out, watch flicks and I enjoy cooking so I made her a meal. However, we recently met fr a later dinner after we both got off work and when the bill came I asked for seperate checks and she basically snubbed me. “I give you sex” she said. I returned, “What?… Read more »
Hey Charlie…You’re totally right. You’re not expected to pay for dinners out with a FWB. Sounds like maybe you and your friend need to have a little bit of a convo re expectations of your arrangement. Check out my blog for other posts related to FWB. Best of luck, FWB can be tricky to navigate 🙂
Seems like you both are getting into a little more than The sex… Cooking dinner together? Going out to dinner. You my friend want more, and have not yet realized it.
FWB is a fantasy invented to avoid the responsibility of sex. And the supposed benefits listed above are mostly wishful thinking – or denial. I’m sure many people think they’re pulling it off but I think it’s an illusion. Fire away!
I remember two FWB relationships I had in the 80s. One was a long distance relationship. So I saw her about twice a year for six years or so. Once, she told me, “I’m going with a guy, and I’m only sleeping with you now so you’ll sleep with me if he dumps me or I dump him.” The other I saw once a month or so during the same time period. The sex was pretty addictive, it was so good. But we didn’t connect emotionally. She was bi, and made her emotional connections with women. I was a lot… Read more »
It’s interesting to hear so many talk about how most FWB relationships don’t work out.
Umm… MOST relationships don’t work out. What makes you think a FWB relationship would be any different? A lot of people enter a FWB relationship after their last relationship has failed, and when the FWB relationship doesn’t work out so well they miss the common denominators (you, relationships in general) and blame it on the FWB. In my experience, FWB relationships work well when the people involved in them are good at relationships.
True, most relationships don’t work out, but I often find I can be friends with my exes with no problems. My ex-FWB, however, is an entirely different matter.
To paraphase the FWB deal: “Don’t expect dinners out or gifts. I just need you for sex, while I look for someone I like better.”
How very very sad.
I completely agree. I don’t know when finding someone that you care about became such a chore for people. I was always under the impression that relationships were a good thing, but people act like they’re such a drag. Sure, they’re not always easy, but most worthwhile things in life aren’t. When people talk of “no strings attached” what, exactly, are the strings that they’re referring to? Having to consider someone else’s feelings? Maybe having feelings of their own? Having to – gasp – know someone as a person? Not just getting what you want from a relationship, but giving,… Read more »
The “strings” for me have to do with having to make any commitment and not having to provide that person with any additional (above and beyond friendship) emotional support. I guess stuff doesn’t get awkward for me in a FWB situation because (a) I’m polyamorous so I usually have multiple people of FWB or more status in my life, (b) I don’t believe in possessiveness in relationships, (c) I never think of myself as being anything more than friends with that person.
It’s all a matter of perspective as far as I can tell.
Thanks for all the great comments on this post, folks! As some background, I wrote this list in rebuttal to Nic and Neely’s 9 Reasons Why “Friends With Benefits” Doesn’t Work (http://bit.ly/oEkVJN) as I felt that their list did not capture the potential benefits of a FWB. I agree that FWB are difficult to negotiate and may not end well. But roughly one out of every 2 college/university students in North American report having had at least one FWB relationship, which suggests to me that people are getting something out of these sexual relationships – regardless of the final outcome.… Read more »
I don’t know of any way not to be emotional about someone you’re sleeping with. If there’s no emotion, I lose interest in the sex.
Exactly–same with me.
This is kinda dumb. The problem with FWB relationships is that it screws with the friendship. Continually having sex changes the dynamic with that person. You might not realize it at first, or even deny it, but it’s true. It creates a kind of intimacy that is more physically dependent on that person. It gets down to the physical, chemical urges in your brains. Not to be taken lightly.
Yeah, I was in a FWB relationship with a guy best friend of mine, and he became less of a friend for me and more of a sex toy. For me, it was no longer about just hanging out with him anymore. There was then that sexual aspect to it, and once it was all said and done, we didn’t even do things as friends anymore. It was just all about the sex in the end. Now I don’t know every person who has been in a FWB relationship, but the ones I do know ended up regretting it in… Read more »
I have to agree. I was in a FWB relationship a couple of years ago; it ended up being less of a friend thing and more of a sex thing. In the end, I began feeling used, and the great friendship evaporated when I put an end to the sex (I say that as though it hadn’t faded long beforehand). I realize this isn’t exactly a scientific study, but I think it’s a good example of why it’s not something to just throw around like it isn’t anything to worry about. There is a lot more to a FWB relationship… Read more »
Yes, you have to be very careful with a FWB relationship. It requires a lot of pre-sex conversation and setting of boundaries. Yes, chemicals can have an impact which is why you don’t have sex with any particular friend all the time. I would say, about twice a month maximum for me.
I’ve had about four of these relationships now and none have ended badly. For some reason, I have never fallen in love with any of these men despite the affection and respect I feel for them. On the other hand, the love relationships have caused me tremendous heartache.
“It requires a lot of pre-sex conversation and setting of boundaries.”
I don’t know if this is an enlightened response or a male-chauvinist-piggy one, but if I’m putting in the hours to have lots of conversations, I might as well have a real relationship.
LOL
I don’t see how that would be a male-chauvinist-piggy response. I mostly just meant that you shouldn’t just jump into bed with a friend and expect everything to turn out okay. It doesn’t require hours of conversation…probably just an hour…which is a pretty involved conversation if it’s just about sex and boundaries.
I agree with you there! It’s not being a chauvinist to say that if you are going to incorporate conversations like that to suggest it may as well be a relationship or a potential relationship! I know men who I have no romantic interest in but I don’t really have much desire to have sex with them. There is a reason I have no romantic interest in them 😛
I doubt you would just be having the one conversation about boundaries, wouldn’t it be necessary to keep checking in?
In my world, the FWB isn’t dropped once you’re in a relationship. You incorporate your FWB into your new relationship. Just sayin’…