Maybe you saw them together. Maybe you found a racy text. Maybe there was a confession.
It really doesn’t matter how you found out.
What does matter is that your heart was shattered. Your sense of security and trust was erased.
And your self-esteem?
Down the toilet, right?
And now they’ve come crawling back with a tearful apology.
“I love you,” they say.
“I was a one-time thing,” they say.
“I’ll do anything to make it up to you,” they say.
“I’ll never do it again,” they say.
And you love them. You can’t imagine your life without them. You want so badly to believe them.
The question is, “Can you live with the knowledge of what your partner has done?”
And if you’re trying to decide, there are some things you may want to consider.
Because no matter how strong the urge is to jump back into their arms, a tremendous amount of damage has been done — both to you and the relationship. Damage that will, in all likelihood, never completely go away.
Will you be able to recover your self-esteem?
I’m going to make a guess that even before you found out about your lover’s infidelity, you did a lot of looking in the mirror and not liking what you saw.
After all, most of us are our worst critics. If you’re like me, you notice every pound, wrinkle, and imperfection. As a result, it takes a great deal of emotional work to move past our flaws and maintain some degree of self-confidence.
And the truth is, your self-esteem probably didn’t need as much upkeep when your partner reassured you in the past.
By telling you how beautiful, handsome, or alluring you were, their words provided a coat of armor, one that protected you when you looked in the mirror or at the scale.
But now that the truth has come out about your partner’s cheating, not only has that coat of armor been destroyed, the thin layer of self-confidence you had before the deception has peeled away too.
And what you need to think about is whether or not you can keep a healthy self-image if you stay in the relationship.
Even if your remorseful lover is trying to soften the blow by slathering on the compliments, can you really take their words to heart?
Or will a part of you always doubt what they say?
Will a part of you be unable to move past the fact that, regardless of their past and present praise, it wasn’t enough to keep them from cheating?
I’m sure that since you’ve found out, you’ve probably conjured visions of your lover and the person they were with a thousand times a day.
And with each image, your rational side throws the naked facts in your face.
It reminds you that your partner wasn’t thinking of how wonderful you were when they were in bed with their lover. It also reminds you they were likely telling their lover the exact words they told you.
And after a while, your mind takes combines these thoughts and images and compresses them into two painful thoughts.
One: You weren’t enough.
Two: Your partner lied.
And you’re my hero if you can manage to overcome these issues. Lots of people do.
But I know I couldn’t.
And if you feel that way as well, you might want to reconsider continuing the relationship.
Will you be able to trust your partner again?
Your partner’s soundtrack of lies won’t stop playing in your head.
All the times they texted you that they were working late or that the company scheduled them for a last-minute business trip out of town. All the times they called to tell you they were going out to have drinks with an old friend who popped into town. All the times they gave you excuses accompanied by what seemed like a heartfelt “I’m sorry.”
But those aren’t even the worst of their lies.
The worst were when your partner looked into your eyes and used their words, face, and body language to manipulate you to get what they wanted.
Can you move past that?
Can you trust them when they really do have to work late? Can you trust them they leave the room to take a call in private? Can you trust them when you walk into the room, and they immediately end their phone conversation?
The Healthy cites dating and relationship coach Laurel House, who explains the true meaning of trust between couples. She states:
“[Trust is when] you don’t sit and wonder if what they are saying is what they’re actually feeling, or what they’re saying is what they are actually doing. You trust that they are being honest and true.”
And the question to ask yourself is if you can get back to that point with your partner?
Because if you can’t, you’re going to remain in a cycle of suffering, one that makes you emotionally and even physically unwell.
Will you like who you become if you stay in the relationship?
When someone hurts us, our heart erects shields to try to protect us from re-experiencing that pain.
And so it’s very likely if you’ve been cheated on, you’re going to be on constant guard.
And this may turn you into a person you don’t really want to be.
For example, how will you feel about yourself when you’re playing private investigator twenty-four hours of the day?
How will you feel about yourself if you grab your partner’s phone and check their texts the minute they take a shower or the moment they fall asleep on the couch?
Are you going to feel guilty? Dirty? Ashamed and embarrassed?
And what about the other emotional and behavioral changes that may occur in you due to your partner’s affair?
In an article published in Psychology Today , psychologist and marriage counselor Dr. Randi Gunther explains that the feelings one experiences after being cheated on are a form of PTSD.
She lists the trauma-induced actions that may result in those who’ve been victimized by their partner’s infidelity. Here are just a few of them.
- constant rumination or unwanted thoughts
- emotional instability
- feelings of anger or resentment that may cause the lover who’s been cheated on to engage in acts of revenge for their partner’s deceptions
- a paranoia that makes the victim unable to stop “scanning for any new data” that may signal additional acts of infidelity in their partner
The question is, can you come to grips with your partner’s betrayal?
Because if you can’t, some or all these things listed above will become a part of your life, and more importantly, a part of your identity.
The bottom line:
Suzanne Finnamore, author of Split: A Memoir of Divorce, states:
“Already things are changing; it’s starting with small shit but oh it’s starting, the change, the irrevocable, impossible change.”
And even if you’re still undecided about the future of your relationship, the reality is that things between you and your partner will never ever be the same.
As Finnamore states above, even before you were aware of the cheating, the change was happening. And now that you know, monumental things are changing, multiplying exponentially with every minute that passes.
And only you can decide if you’re prepared to do the things necessary to overcome these changes.
Who knows?
Maybe choosing to “hang in there” will turn a bad situation into one where your relationship becomes stronger than ever.
Just please remember these things before you make a decision.
- You deserve to be happy.
- You deserve someone who always thinks you’re enough — more than enough, actually.
- You deserve a life of peace where you feel desirable, loved, supported, and secure.
Associate professor of psychiatry Jessica Griffin says:
“Our partner should be our respite from the outside world, a soft spot for us to land. In order for trust to exist and grow, we need to know that our partner ‘gets us,’ has our best interests, and that we can depend on them to be available — e.g., be physically and emotionally present — for us.”
And if this isn’t what you’re getting from your special someone, maybe it’s time to say your goodbyes, wipe your tears, and hit the road.
Because someone’s out there who will give you these things, be these things for you.
Do you know why?
Because you genuinely, honestly, completely deserve it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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