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I fell madly in love earlier this year. Actually, I fell in love on a first date. Actually, I fell in love before I even went on a very first date. I Face Timed with this woman prior to our first-ever meeting, and knew, simply by meeting her virtually that we would fall in love. I was not wrong.
I know what you’re thinking…that’s fucking crazy! You can’t fall in love on a first date. That’s not even possible. Believe me, I had heard stories about people falling in love on first dates and thought it was all romanticized hogwash. I never truly believed it was possible until it happened to me. Also, lets just be clear here: of course it takes time to fall in love! But you can begin the process of falling in love from the very first date. I will cover this topic of love at first introduction in a future blog post.
Falling in love on a very first date wasn’t even the craziest part of it all. The real kicker was that the woman whom I fell in love with on this first date was a Christian woman. To be clear, she’s still a Christian. She did not change her faith from the time between our first date and me writing this article.
Most of you reading this are probably like, “okay, yeah, so what?” Doesn’t every white person in America belong to some affiliation of the Christian faith? This is true — America by majority is a Christian country. You just have to understand where I’m coming from. I grew up in a household where religion wasn’t even considered. While we weren’t Atheists, religion was never, ever something we talked about. In my family, people who were religious were the “weird ones”. Those who were Christians were seen with a definitive negative connotation. Further, growing up, the only times I ever remember stepping inside of a church was when someone died. That and the occasional Christmas Eve service — but, I usually got stoned before those services. Seriously, this is true. I just needed something to ease the tension and stuffiness of being inside of a church. Churches made me uncomfortable. They felt restrictive and full of ‘rules’.
To give this blindsided Christian love affair even crazier context in my life — I basically have spent the past five years of my life writing about sex. I also have a liberal tongue and do not filter out all the dirty and perverse thoughts that cycle through my head on a very, very regular basis. So I wrote anyone religious off when it came to dating, including Christians. I would shuffle through dating app profiles, and anytime the word “Christian” appeared, I would swipe left without even thinking.
I just never thought that my liberal attitude and crazy antics would fly with someone who was Christian. I never thought that someone who was Christian could ever possibly see me as a legitimate, viable romantic option. To me, all Christians were sexually reserved, boring, and full of rules and restrictions. I thought it would be an immediate lifestyle clash. So I didn’t even consider Christian women to be an option.
Then, for some unbeknownst reason, I didn’t swipe left when the word “Christian” appeared on a dating profile. And I fell in love with one and the whole game changed for me. Could you call this the workings of God bringing me toward some personal destiny I wasn’t aware of? Well…I’m not going to spoil the story…more on that later. But I will say that this person changed the way I view Christians. But more importantly, she changed the way I view love.
So, here’s what I’ve learned about love from loving a Christian woman…so far. I’m sure there are many more lessons to come.
Speak Out Of Love
This probably sounds utterly simplistic. And you’re right, it is. But it’s one of those things that’s simple, but difficult. I mean, if you listen to all the married couples out there, how often do you hear one of them complaining about everything they dislike about their spouse to their friends? Speaking out of love is the common love language. But we forget, we get lazy, and we get complacent. In previous relationships, I was one of these people. I would be reactive, jealous, self-absorbed with my own agenda. I would thrust my own insecurities onto the other person, rather than speaking from a place of love.
This woman taught me about that. It’s through her own love actions that I was able to see what real, healthy communication to your partner looks like. If you can manage to do that, you avoid arguments. You can be honest without being aggressive. Everything you say comes from a place of love, a place where you’re putting the relationship first. Arguments can be avoided, if we just give it a moment, think, think about what’s most important, being right or being in love? Love is an action; it begins with the way we speak to each other.
I owe this woman great gratitude for both showing and reminding me that speaking to each other out of love is one of the fundamental keys to staying and growing in love.
Love Is Patient And Gentle
‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’ — 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I think about this passage from the Bible every time I think about this point. It’s the way love is when it’s at its purest. Yet so often we can be malicious, deceiving, and self-serving with our love. Through my relationship with this woman, I have found myself becoming more patient, and gentler. I want to do right by this woman; I want to learn how to love better, the right way. Of course, this point is also painstakingly simple, and of course you must be gentle and patient with the ones we love, right? Yes, but I’m experiencing its effects firsthand, right in front of my own eyes on a daily basis. Through our love I am seeing what it is to want to live out that exact verse from the Bible — love in its purest, brightest, and most powerful form. God is love. So love, like faith, softens our heart and makes us inherently softer, kinder, gentler, and more patient.
Respect Your Relationship And Love The Right Way
I’m going to cover this sub-point as an entire blog post soon, but for now, a preview.
How often do you see people in relationships that still seek attention outside of their relationship? Whether it’s a flirty conversation to give them that novel rush of excitement, that social media friend who always likes their photos and helps them to still feel hot, or that male friend who they swear is just a “friend”, but come on, they would probably be banging them if it weren’t for their relationship getting in the way of some lusty love making.
This can be for a whole host of reasons — they’re tired of their own partners, they’ve grown complacent in their relationship, their partner doesn’t fulfill the entire quota so they need to find the other missing parts in other people without losing the stable partner who fulfills 2/3 of their relationship needs, or they’re simply a flirt, an attention whore. They allow this attention to exist in the atmosphere because they do not respect their relationship enough to remove it. Even worse, they might not be able to function without it.
I have been like this in the past. I flirted, had people I talked to regularly that I swore were just friends, and they were just friends, technically, but I was attracted to them. So they weren’t really friends. Allowing real estate for these types of connections, these kinds of contact with the opposite sex, and attention grabbing exchanges, is not respecting your relationship. You’re dishonouring your relationship, slowly jeopardizing what is most sacred with every attention-seeking, moment of weakness.
This woman taught me this. She taught me that there is this line you can cross in a relationship, some people get close to that line, some people tight rope that line and hang onto their relationship by a thread, but to love the right way, is to never even get close to that line. You need to protect your relationship. You need to protect your love. You need to be 100% committed to that love, and if you aren’t, there is no point in being in a relationship. If you need to seek attention in other places, that person is not the right person for you and you’re staying with them for the wrong reasons, or you need to seriously look at the way you love.
“You need to deposit love into the love account,” she says. I couldn’t agree with her more.
Through my love for her and her guidance, I have started to see how you love someone the right way. When you respect your relationship, and do not seek attention of others that aren’t your partner, you grow and strengthen your love for each other. Your love for your partner is respected, acknowledged that your heart is taken and spoken for, which makes your love even purer than it was before. That’s how you love the right way.
Sex Is A Physical Expression Of Love
Duh! Of course it is. Well, I don’t think most of us are using it for its intended purpose, myself included. For years I engaged in casual sex with people I didn’t care about. It sucked. It never made me happy. It was a bad habit that yielded no positive effect in my life, other than emptiness and a few pregnancy scares.
But did you know Christian women orgasm more than any other women? This is true, actually. And no I did not read this in some terrible Elite Daily or Thought Catalog post. The reason is because the way Christian women typically go about sex is the most intimate. Besides sometimes waiting until marriage, Christians have sex as a way to express love, not simply to get their rocks off. They’re also so spiritually connected to their partners that the experience is heightened so much. I always joke that it’s because they have God on their side. It makes sense that God knows how to get off those whom he created. He did create vaginas after all, he better know how they work. Slightly incessant? Perhaps, but it’s the true. Why do you think they call it the G-spot after all?
Enough. Back to my story!
This woman showed me that your most intimate moments in a relationship are actually outside of the bedroom. If intimacy were a totem pole (I will be covering this topic in another future article, also), sex would be the smiling Indian-esque face at the top, while all other forms of intimacy (spiritual, emotional, intellectual etc…) would be working their way up from the bottom, helping to fuel and stabilize the sex at the top.
So many couples misuse sex. They use it as a misleading path to connectedness with their partner. And it’s true, sex helps you connect and get closer, clearly. But if you rely on it as your main source of connection, your intimacy is temporary, and fleeting. When you connect with your partner emotionally, physically (not sex, though!), spiritually, and intellectually, you become closer and more connected, which leads to better sex when you have it.
This woman calls it “making love”. Often when I would write about sex I would call it “fucking,” mainly for its comedic OOMF. Hearing her call it “making love” was weird at first. To be honest, it was really weird. But now it’s not weird at all. That’s because, through our love, I started to see it. I got it. I’ve started to see how you use sex in a relationship the right way — as a way to not seek love, but to confirm love.
And for all the men reading this, want to know the secret to making your girl orgasm more often? Start using sex the right way. Love is the best foreplay after all.
Love Is Innocent
You know when you see two older people falling in love they look like teenagers all over again? Or when two middle-aged people flirt, they are right back to their origin schoolboy or schoolgirl self? That’s because love makes us young. Love makes us alive. Everything that’s dead or stagnant inside of us suddenly blossoms and becomes reborn. Love can bring us back from the dead and resurrect our souls into a forgotten state of excitement and aliveness.
When you truly experience love in its purest form. It takes you back to your youth — back to the time before you’d experienced any real pain or been hurt before. It’s that return to the innocence kind of feeling. And it won’t come around with every love you experience in your life, but it will when love is at its best. When love is at its best it will inspire you and change your life altogether.
Loving this woman makes me feel like I’m loving someone for the first time. I feel like I’m my 17-year-old self with a wide grin, hopeful, entirely optimistic, with the whole world in front of me. If it wasn’t for loving her, if it wasn’t for our experience together, I might have never remembered how love should make you feel.
When I met this Christian woman, I was at my most broken state. I’d experienced the death of a tumultuous, toxic relationship earlier that year. I was broken on myself. I was broken about love. Then I met her. She saw something beautiful inside of me, she reminded me of it. She helped me to remember how love should feel. There’s nothing I’m more grateful for than that.
I’ll never forget that moment — her and I were sitting underneath a tree in the warmth of summer, she spoke about God, I listened with an open heart. She looked at me, I looked back at her, and we both felt it, the start of something neither one of us expected.
So now you’re probably wondering, do I now believe in God?
Well, I will say that I believe in something — I believe in angels. I met this woman at my most broken, and she saved my soul, she’s my angel. That’s what I believe to be true.
This article originally appeared on Jamie N Rea
Photo credit: Getty Images