Good sex and sexual satisfaction is an important part of maintaining a happy relationship. Unfortunately, it’s also something that many straight couples struggle with. In fact, a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that heterosexual women had the fewest orgasms. The study, conducted by The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University and Chapman University found that while 98% of heterosexual men achieved orgasm during sex, only 65% of heterosexual women did. Meanwhile, 89% of gay men, 86% of gay women and 88% of bi men. Bi women came in second to last at 66%.
For many women, this was a “no duh” moment. After all, as scientists have confirmed before: one of the primary reasons why women aren’t into casual sex is that, well, straight dudes kind of suck in bed. And the sad truth is: it doesn’t take that much to be a legend in bed… if you just pay a little attention.
Here is a little of what women wish guys knew about sex.
Want To Be Better In Bed? Ditch The Porn
First rule of being an amazing lover: forget the porn.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying porn in and of itself; in fact, odds are good that your girlfriends and wives would dig watching some with you. But the fact of the matter is: porn makes you lousy in bed. It’s not that porn has magical powers that suck away your libido – no matter what /r/nofap says – it’s that porn sex is fucking awful and you’re learning all the wrong things from it.
Aspiring to fuck like a porn star is like trying to learn how to fight by watching Ip Man and Iron Monkey. The people involved may look like bad-asses, but it has no relationship to reality. Porn sex is the least-fun sex anyone is having, including the people you see having it. Everything about the sex you see people having in porn is about what looks good on camera, rather than how it feels.
Take the various positions you see in porn, for example. Reverse cowgirl looks great on camera: not only do you get the full frontal and penetration shots, but the cameraman doesn’t have to teabag the other actor in the process. In the real world, however, it’s lousy. Not only is your cock not hitting the spots it needs to – and more on that in a second – but it’s uncomfortable and you’re more prone to the bone sliding out than you are actually getting someone off. That invites the magic phrase “penile fracture” into the picture.
Porn sex is all about the progression to penetration as quickly as possible. The foreplay – what little there is of it – is all about getting it in, rather than actual mutual pleasure or arousal.
Just as importantly though: it gives you the wrong ideas about what sex is supposed to be. Porn sex is all about the progression to penetration as quickly as possible. The foreplay – what little there is of it – is all about the cock and getting it in, rather than actual mutual pleasure or arousal. It’s 99% about blowjobs with the occasional minimal nod towards cunnilingus. And once the dick’s in, it’s all about the fleshy jackhammer until the actress has a screaming orgasm that has next to no basis to reality.
(And this completely leaves out the way porn portrays anal sex, leading to a lot of incredibly painful experiences…)
The fact of the matter is: fucking like a porn star means having sex that’s unpleasant to everyone involved. If you want the kind of sex that makes you feel the way porn looks, you need to change how you approach things.
Which, incidentally, takes us to the next part.
Good Sex Takes Longer Than You Think (But Not The Way You Think)
Part of what makes good sex is the duration. In fact, studies found that women who orgasm more frequently tend to have sex for longer durations. It’s not a man’s staying power that gets her there, however; in fact, that hour-long, bed-rocking, wall-banging, neighbor annoying fucking you see in porn tends to be the opposite of good sex. Constant hardcore bangin’ actually starts to chafe and hurt after too long. It’s easy to get away with in porn, where editing can make penetration seem like it lasts forever and allow for the reapplication of Astroglide. In practice, that Gordon-Sumner-Approved-Le-Mans style fucking leaves her vagina feeling like it just drove full-tilt boogie across the Mojave.
One of the issues that leads to men being lousy in the sack is the way guys treat female arousal and the difference between male and female arousal patterns.
Good sex isn’t about vaginal hang-time – in fact, the perfect time from penetration to ejaculation tends to be between 7 and 13 minutes. It’s about the length of sex overall.
One of the issues that leads to men being lousy in the sack is the way guys treat female arousal and the difference between male and female arousal patterns. While everyone’s different – some dudes can take forever, while some women are easier to get off than a pair of shoes – in general men tend to reach orgasm far faster than women. This is in no small part because many women have a “responsive” arousal pattern. That is, instead of desire preceding action – “I’m horny, therefore I’m going to I’m going to start kissing and touching you” – sensual and sexual contact is what causes the desire.
So not only are men more likely to get hit with the “boner out of nowhere” version of horniness, they’re also much quicker to peak… often to the frustration of their partners. So while men and women take approximately the same amount of time to reach peak arousal and orgasm, men tend to start the process before women do. It’s akin to coming to a race with a massive head-start; guys are half-way to crossing the finish line before women have even gotten to the starting blocks.
Since men come to sex already horny, they’re more likely to rush towards penetration while their partners are still getting warmed up. As a result: guys get off and leave their partners waiting to get some quality time with the showerhead.
So how do you overcome this? Glad you asked, convenient rhetorical device…
The key here is foreplay. Women don’t want foreplay because they’re hoping for a Red Shoe Diaries experience with soft-focus lenses and random candles, it’s because foreplay helps get them to the place where guys start off. Being someone who learns to love foreplay means being somebody that women will love having in bed. But good foreplay isn’t just “alright, there’s the boobs, there’s the nipples, go“. A great lover recognizes that a woman has far more erogenous zones than her nipples and takes advantage of them.
The right kiss (or nibble) at the junction of neck and shoulder can drive women crazy. Finger tips at the crook of the elbow or down the sides of her hips can make her shudder in the best ways. Even running your fingers over her scalp can be part of what gets her motor humming. Taking time to explore, kiss and arouse instead of rushing to the “main event” will have her seeing fireworks far more than grabbing her hips and saying “get ready for it.”
But while we’re talking about foreplay…
Quit Thinking With Your Penis and Start Thinking With Your Hands (and Lips and Tongue)
Let’s get back to the dick-oriented nature of porn. One of the biggest mistakes people get from porn is the idea that cock is all you need when it comes to sex. If you’ve got the right equipment – especially one that’s big enough to need a secondary circulatory system – then all you have to do is drive things home and watch your girl moan her way to ecstasy and bragging about you to her friends later.
In reality… she’s laying there contemplating the ceiling and hoping you don’t pass out before at least trying to get her off.
Penis size, shape, curvature, decorative ribbing… none of that matters. Vaginal penetration is one of the worst ways to try to get women off.
The reality is that while pretty much all men can orgasm through penetration, very few women can. In fact, less than 35% of women can orgasm through vaginal sex alone, while 44% of women can’t orgasm from vaginal sex, period. Penis size, shape, curvature, decorative ribbing… none of that matters. Vaginal penetration is one of the worst ways to try to get women off.
On the other hand, 80% of hetero and bi women and 91% of lesbians almost always orgasmed through a combination of oral sex, manual stimulation and deep kissing, even when vaginal sex was never in the picture.
At the same time however, more oral and hands means using them the right way. Many men mistake pressure and speed for “skill”. Attacking a woman’s clit with your tongue like you’re trying to pull off a hyper-combo in Marvel vs. Capcom 3 with your mouth isn’t going to do the trick. Similarly, fingerbanging and the come-hither isn’t the power move you think it is when you do it at Barry Allen speed.
Oral sex and hands are vital, but it’s really easy to end up being far more intense than women enjoy. Some women do require vigorous stimulation directly on the clitoris. Others prefer lighter, indirect contact and greater intensity just starts to hurt. It’s also important to recognize there’s more to her vagina than just the clitoral head and the g-spot. The clitoris is bigger than most people realize, with wings reaching down into the sides of the pubic mound. Rubbing the palm of your hand against the vulva can be more intensely pleasurable than just trying to trace the alphabet with your tongue. Having her sit on your thigh and grind against it while you make out can help give an intense pressure over her whole genital region and get her more excited than just a finger or two inside of her.
(And incidentally: trim and clean your damn nails. Nothing ruins sex like unexpected jabs and UTIs.)
While you’re at it though…
Change Things Up
There’s more to good sex – or bad sex, for that matter – than just technique. One of the worst things you can do is make sex boring. Good sex quickly becomes mediocre sex if you’re doing the same things over and over again.
Think back to the honeymoon period when you first get together with your sweetie. The sex is often mind blowing – not because you’ve mastered the Transylvanian Twist and the Inverted Vulcan but because of the novelty. The human brain craves novelty and excitement. We process new stimuli completely differently than something we’ve already experienced. Part of what makes those first few months with a new partner so intense and amazing is that your brain is flooding your system with dopamine. Because everything about them is new and different, even basic sex has a passion and fervor that you don’t find in most long-term relationships.
What was mind-blowingly intense at first can become “meh” inducing over a surprisingly short time. Boredom can set in pretty quickly, especially when sex is the same thing every time.
Unfortunately, our brains are also good at getting used to just about anything, including bed-rocking sex. What was mind-blowingly intense at first can become “meh” inducing over a surprisingly short time. Boredom can set in pretty quickly, especially when sex is the same thing every time. Even a man who can lick his eyebrows loses his appeal when going down is the exact same routine.
Boredom is the antithesis of good sex. It’s the killer of attraction, the muffler of orgasms. If you want to keep your stroke game strong, then you need variety. New positions are a good start; changing positions also changes sensations and the topography of your bodies. Sex from behind lets the penis reach different part of the vagina than the missionary position. Sex toys can be another valuable way of keeping the novelty factor high; a vibrator on her clitoris (or your shaft, for that matter) can lead to intense new orgasms. So too can introducing other forms of sexual contact; prostate play, role-playing, or various flavors of kink can turn good sex into great sex.
Of course the point isn’t that good sex is a neverending escalation of newness – it’s that falling into a rut of the same ol’ same ol’ will kill even the most ardent affair.
But the most important part of good sex?
Use Your Words
As I’ve said before, the key to being an amazing lover isn’t about what’s between your legs, it’s what’s between your ears – specifically your brain and your mouth. Great lovers aren’t just about what happens in the bedroom, they’re about the holistic relationship. One of the contributing factors to frequent female orgasms? Treating sex as more than just bodies. Talk is a big part of keeping sexual arousal high. Flirting outside of sexual situations, praising your partner for the things they do in bed, teasing and tantalizing one another keep the arousal levels up and the feeling of gratification high.
So does communicating clearly about one’s desires and needs in bed. Women who felt empowered to advocate for their own needs – and feeling that their partners would respond to those needs – had more orgasms than those who didn’t. Studies have found that the practice of being good, giving and game increased sexual satisfaction in one’s partner.
But the single greatest key to good sex? Being willing to just ask questions. Women, after all, are not a monolith. The same oral technique that gave one woman screaming orgasms may set another’s skin to crawling. The things that repulse one partner may well be exactly what your next one needs to get off. While porn makes good sex look instinctual, it’s actually born from communication. Asking your partner – whether a single-night hook-up or a long-term lover – what they want and what they need will be part of what leads to great sex… and make you the sort of lover they’ll always remember.
This article originally appeared on Dr. Nerd Love
Photo credit: Getty Images
Harris you are 100% right this time!
And this kind of knowledge should be an important part of any persons sex education.
Actually, because “good sex” (like everything else in a heterosexual relationship) is all about the man pleasing the woman. Nothing about _mutual_ satisfaction or what he might get from it.
Hi Flyingkal You sound unhappy …. Dr.NerdLove is a dating coach for MEN, so I guess that is why he give advice to men about how to make love. But the fact is that he knows a lot about women. I am aware that men here don’t like him,and lots of women do. Flyingkal , of course a man can end up with a woman that just want to use him for sexual release as if he was a male prostitute. Jerks, and egoistic persons comes in all genders, but you don’t have to date or marry a woman that… Read more »
“But the fact is that he knows a lot about women. ”
Really? Where has this been demonstrated?
“I am aware that men here don’t like him,and lots of women do.”
That is because all his columns are basically the same. Man is at fault, woman is innocent victim. Man exists to better himself for the benefit of woman.
8of10 I agree with you that he does not give us links to recent recent research about women . You are right and I should have written ” he knows a lot about me ” ). I am pretty sure that is exactly why some women like him,just like I do. Has he read up the issue ” women ” I really don’t know. As a former PUA he might have some of his knowlegde from that period in his life and I don’t see any pick up artist as a person that see woman as innocent victims. But there… Read more »
Does he really know a lot about women?
Or does he mostly know how to address a female audience by painting men as being lazy idiots and the sole source of every conceivable problem within a relationship?
You tell me.
And also, the problem isn’t a person who turns you down the second or third time you are looking forward to some intimacy. The problem is a person who suddenly shuts you out, and starts refusing intimacy and mutuality, just when (or perhaps just because…?) you have entered the “committed exclusivity” phase of your relationship.
Flyinkal Since he is a daing coach for men and for men only I can not see why he has any interest in the women that read him. We can never change others Flyingkal,we can only change ourself, And it is also my opinon that I can not set boudaries for others only for myself. You have to ask a psykologist why the woman you cohabited with turned herself of sexually the day you two moved in together and set up house. I am sure there are lots of reasons why this happens. You also have to look at yourself… Read more »
Iben, What do you know about his interest in the people reading him? I guess to him it is rather unessential or unimportant if it is men or women clicking, liking and sharing his articles. He gets his revenue regardless, don’t you think? Yes, he is (most probably) right about men reaching orgasm faster and more often than women in heterosexual relationships. But there’s also research (that I’m not going to dig for right now) saying that there’s more women reaching orgasm during hetero-sex sex, than reaching orgasm by themself, either while being single or when playing alone with themself… Read more »
Hi Flyingkal . “But there’s also research (that I’m not going to dig for right now) saying that there’s more women reaching orgasm during hetero-sex sex, than reaching orgasm by themself, either while being single or when playing alone with themself while in a relationship ” I would like to see a recent serious peer reviewed study that show that it is easier for women to reach orgasm when then they have sex with a man.then when they do it themselves . I simply don’t believe it! ( unless we talk about girls very very very young ). But since… Read more »
Iben, I think you are misreading or misinterpreting me (again). “I would like to see a recent serious peer reviewed study that show that it is easier for women to reach orgasm when then they have sex with a man.then when they do it themselves .” I read it 10 years ago or more. As I said, I’m not going to dig for it cause I don’t remember what it was called or if its even available on the internet. However. The study said that women in relationships had orgasms more often. This can have a lot of reasons other… Read more »
I have been thinking about you today.
The reason is that I watched this video with Jordan Gray and Ken Page. Ken talkes about a phenomena he calls “The Wave” and it is that fact that some suddenly loose all interest in their partner when that person becomes avaible and wants them (for example committs ).
it starts 47-48 minutes into the video. He give advice about how to act when it happens.
Ken Page see things in a way I like a lot and I bought his book to my Kindle today.
Iben, What Nerdlove, you, and even Ken Page seems to conveniently forget or ignore around this subject, is that women are people with different experiences, agendas, libidos and interests. I have tried doing all the things Nerdlove describes in his article, and more. Not as a part of a hidden agenda to “get more sex” or because I view women as popsicle dispensers where you insert coin In slot A and pull lever B to be rewarded with C. I have taken my time, before during and after sex. Warming her up with words, hands, fingers, lips and tongue. Trying… Read more »
Flyingkal I don’t have time to respond right now. I need to think . I am sorry about all your negative experience sexually. Apart from sex as a married woman,all my other sexual happenings has been good ,many fantastic. And with the great love of my life ,sex with him made we believe God actually exist ! Did do read Ken Page’ book Deeper Dating ? I bought it,but work my way through it slowly as he recommends. Will I ever date again? I am sure,since I am not good at creating romantic relationships and I am tired of trying… Read more »
Will I ever date again. I am not sure…
But I love to have the company of some men in my life.
It is a totally different experience from being with women friends.
Hi Flyingkal “Iben, What Nerdlove, you, and even Ken Page seems to conveniently forget or ignore around this subject, is that women are people with different experiences, agendas, libidos and interests. ” Here you clearly underestimate Ken Page. And how can you tell us that you have tried everything ? How many sexologists have you consulted? How many hours of therapy do you have ? Let me guess : zero… You always and again and again just tel us that nobody knows anything about this issue ,even men like Ken Page . I can assure you he knows more than… Read more »
Iben “And how can you tell us that you have tried everything ?” I didn’t… Read what I wrote again. I am now getting really, really tired of repeating myself because you are seemingly just glossing over my posts to find something irrelevant to critizise me for. Quote me: “I have tried doing all the things Nerdlove describes in his article, and more.” But like you, I have also had good, perhaps fantastic experiences around sex. And (like you?) the best ones have not been within but outside of a committed relationship. You go out in the summer and ask… Read more »
Flyingkal I am sorry that I misunderstood you. Truly sorry. “But like you, I have also had good, perhaps fantastic experiences around sex. And (like you?) the best ones have not been within but outside of a committed relationship. You go out in the summer and ask yourself what that really mean.” Hmmmm I do ask myself what that means. And I don’t find any answer other than this one : Some of us are not cut out to live in committed relationships but thrives and have healthy happy sex when we are more “free “. I personally will never… Read more »
I have the opinion that love-making should never be about obligations or contracts, but all about lust, desire, and mutual effort, mutual satisfaction.
Perhaps the biggest problem with contracts and commitment is not that they bring an obligation to fulfill your partner’s needs, but that they are a tool effectively tying your partner’s satisfaction to you and no-one else? That it either becomes a tool for oppression, or a tool for bargaining and transactions?
Regarding your last paragraph: A woman can not stop doing what she has never started.
“Regarding your last paragraph: A woman can not stop doing what she has never started.”
If I understand you correctly ,you think a woman never fell in love with you ,and even worse ,you think it will never happen in the future.
Is that what you believe ?
You have more than half your life ahead of you Flyingkal.
Anything can happen, and I hope that when you meet a woman that like you a lot,she will be brace enough to show it.
Iben, It would have been interesting to get a comment on my opinion on commitment and contracts, and not just on my age and dating failures. But I digress. Thank you for your optimism and encouragement. I am sorry to say I’m not able to share your sentiments, though. First of all I really doubt I have more than half my life ahead of me, but that’s a sidetrack. Other than that, I mostly think I’ve made the mistake of being born ugly and awkward, with too many good-looking friends. I won’t bore you with the story how I was… Read more »
Let’s assume that Ken Page is on to something when he talks about “the Wave”, and that it’s just natural that we lose interest in something that is readily available for us.
Question is then, what can I do about this, when my girlfriend loses her interest in me, and doesn’t seem interested to do anything about it?
And also, why don’t I lose interest in her, the same way she loses interest in me?
Flyingkal “Let’s assume that Ken Page is on to something when he talks about “the Wave”, and that it’s just natural that we lose interest in something that is readily available for us.” Have you heard the expression ” men tend to want what they can not have “? It can happen to all genders but it wrong to say it happens to us all. I am not qualified to answers your question Flyingkal. So I suggest you ask Ken Page since he has several articles here right now! I have been told by more than oanyone one man,how their… Read more »
Iben, Thank you for your answer. I am well aware that things we have full access to then to lose some of its’ appeal. Think about, for instance, being 17 and dreaming of having a license and a car, driving all day every day (in Sweden the legal age for driving cars is 18). Then you got older, got your license and a car of your own with full access to it, but now you only drive it when you really have to. But people and relationships are not “things”. If you lose passion or even interest in your partner,… Read more »
Flyingkal “. If you lose passion or even interest in your partner, why does it seem to be okay, if you are a woman, to just shrug your shoulders and settle for a like without passion just because you think its the way it’s supposed to be. With no explanation and no effort from your side towards your partner?” I prefer that you stop taking about this as something only women “do”. Here is a woman’s story : https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jun/09/i-havent-had-sex-with-my-partner-for-24-years-and-i-am-tempted-to-sleep-with-a-friend Actually I think you have to ask a sexologist Flyingkal. Romantic relationship,marriage and cohabitation is difficult for most of us. I… Read more »
Iben, I am sorry that I offended you. “You can of course expect her to change to meet your needs and ask like you ask me ” why no effort ,why no explanation..”. Your focus is on your own needs your unfulfilled needs .” The reason why I write the way I do is that on several occasions, actually more times that I care to count or remember, I tried to initiate a conversation by some way of “Honey, I love you deeply and I don’t want anything more than that we are happy together (stating my love for her… Read more »
One more thing.
Ken Page has two key concepts :
It is highly possible one of your core gifts are sexuality .
Ken then suggest that you choose a partner that cherish and value this your core gift ( one of your strongest points)
He writes a lot about that ,how to figure out what exactly is your core gift ,and how to choose friends and a partner that value ,respect and cherish this because it is who you are at your best.
“He writes a lot about that ,how to figure out what exactly is your core gift ,and how to choose friends and a partner that value”
Knowing what you want, your core values and “gifts” is one thing.
But how do you “choose” a partner when the slection is non-existent?
“But how do you “choose” a partner when the slection is non-existent?”
As long as you resist listening to advice from persons that know more about this than you do,then you will never get that answer.
Buy his book on Amazon for your iPad. Use the Kindle app.
I don’t have more time now .
Just for the record, despite your rather pretentious attitude about it, You have absolutely no idea whom I’ve listened to, what advice I’ve taken, or what books I’ve read during my years of involontary loneliness and celibacy.
“Flyinkal Since he is a daing coach for men and for men only I can not see why he has any interest in the women that read him.”
So why does he the write articles about “nerd privilege”, “Nice Guys” and “toxic masculinity”? He isn’t a dating coach, he writes whatever left-leaning women want to read.
You might be right because I really enjoyed reading this one 🙂
You know. I would love to hear DNL explain why I as a man am just expected to shrug off women posting images of male super models, or writing about how only big penises will do. While it is a given that images of fit women with big breasts will make women feel bad about their bodies, and therefore have to be removed.
As you well know he never responds to comments here on GMP,but he does on his own websiite.
Those women you talk about are not looking for love, and of course it is near impossible to shrug what they do. It is stupid what they do.
Hi, I just re-read and wanted to come back to this. I think a reason that a lot of men find Nerdlove’s article hard to swallow, while he at the same time seems very popular among women, might be this: For all he writes about how important it is with communication to maintain a healthy relationship and sex-life, the overwhelming part of his writing is still about how a man is supposed to cater to woman’s needs. Rarely if ever, like perhaps a passing in one article out of 20, does he say anything about how a man may get… Read more »
Flyingkal “. Rarely if ever, like perhaps a passing in one article out of 20, does he say anything about how a man may get his wants and desires met by stating them in a respectful and affirmative way.” 🙁 I guess I am bad really bad. I have never made love to a man to fulfill his sexual needs ….. I just do it because it feels right ,or I love him,or I feel desire for him,or even to comfort him when he cries. A man that states his desire in a respectful way,would simply make me smile .… Read more »
I have absolutely no idea how you made the leap from “Men should be able to respectfully state their desires within a relationship.” to “Women should have sex with men just to fulfill the men’s desires”?!?
Are you really saying that men shouldn’t even think about having their desires met, or even consider talking about them?
I wish you Good luck with your “deeper dating”, then…
Flyingkal “Iben, Seriously. I have absolutely no idea how you made the leap from “Men should be able to respectfully state their desires within a relationship.” to “Women should have sex with men just to fulfill the men’s desires”?!?” If I am expected to have sex with a man when I don’t want to then he expects me to fulfill his “sexual needs” . “Are you really saying that men shouldn’t even think about having their desires met, or even consider talking about them? I wish you Good luck with your “deeper dating”, then…” My experience my whole life is… Read more »
Actually, consuming too much pornography is indeed harmful! Porn is one of the worst visual drugs out there.