I once read a Dear Abby column responding to a letter from a girl who, as I recall, was in middle school. She was asking for advice about an awkward incident that happened to her at school: a boy asked her out with her peers watching, and she turned him down. She was subsequently told by her peers that she was cruel for rejecting his advances.
In modern terms, the girl of this boy’s affection placed him in the “friend zone.” In a nutshell, “friend-zoning” somebody is basically not reciprocating their romantic feelings. This places them in a “zone” of people who will never be more than friends to them, which apparently is this dreaded place where they are of no value to the object of their affection.
I have never had a romantic relationship or even asked a girl out, so I’m not a dating expert. However, I find the concept of the “friend zone” to be a misguided approach for a number of reasons.
Interestingly enough, the concept of the “friend zone” actually originated from an episode of the sitcom Friends, and though the definition seems to be gender-neutral at its core, it is most often applied to the scenario of a woman not reciprocating a man’s feelings. That gender-specific way in which the concept manifests itself is problematic, not only because it perpetuates many misogynistic ideas that are widely accepted in American society, but the implications of it can be chillingly dark.
For example, it contributes to the idea that a woman can’t say “no,” and that a woman who doesn’t reciprocate a man’s interest in her, whether for a relationship or sex, is cruel and heartless, as the girl from the Dear Abby column was told. This places an unhealthy amount of pressure on women, and I suspect it to be a factor in the prevalent fear among many women of rejecting a man’s advances and the man retaliating with violence.
Our culture at large tends to put romantic love on a pedestal, and within that is this tendency to take offense when someone says they’re not romantically interested, as if that is an insult to one’s character or ego.
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I’ve seen it argued that the “friend zone” idea perpetuates rape culture, and I think that’s an accurate assessment — the idea that a woman can’t say “no” is the epitome of rape culture. Romantic relationships and sex require consent, and sexual consent is a basic human right, so it is vital that comfort zones and consent are respected. Therefore, the notion that a woman is cruel and heartless, or a “bitch,” for simply exercising her right to consensual relationships or sex is inherently rapey, and quite sexist as well.
Beyond that, there are other harmful attitudes at play. Our culture at large tends to put romantic love on a pedestal, and within that is this tendency to take offense when someone says they’re not romantically interested, as if that is an insult to one’s character or ego. Again, the lovestruck one is often a man and his romantic interest a woman, and this attitude is often accompanied by bemoaning the prospect of being considered “just a friend” by the crush.
But what’s wrong with that? Why is being “just a friend” a bad thing? At least you still have contact with the person, and you can have some sort of relationship with them and be valued by them, even if it’s not in a romantic way.
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That’s the beauty of platonic friendships. I have many friendships with women where there is no romantic interest involved, and I highly value those friendships. Without the romantic aspect, there is less awkwardness and complication, and these friendships flourish on simply enjoying each other’s company and relating to one another through our shared hobbies and interests. I don’t see myself ever being romantically interested in some of these women, and that’s okay. It’s also fine if they never feel that way about me.
It’s important that people learn to value platonic friendships, and learn to relate to the people of the opposite sex as comrades and friends.
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Honestly, the “friend zone” sounds great to me. It’s better than the alternatives: the “I never want to see you again” zone, or if the guy really can’t take rejection, the “restraining order” zone.
It’s important that people learn to value platonic friendships, and learn to relate to the people of the opposite sex as comrades and friends. Some in my generation have this problem of viewing anyone of the opposite sex as a potential romantic partner, and for men in particular, I think there is an objectification factor within that, and an inability to see women as comrades and friends, or anything more than sex objects. That, I think, contributes to the lack of value placed on consent, or a woman’s say in the matter.
Other times, the inability to take rejection results simply from unhealthy emotional attachment from building your crush up in your head too much. And I totally get it. I had some unreciprocated crushes in high school myself, and being rejected is not pleasant. If you have a romantic interest in somebody and want to ask them out, go for it. If they don’t return your affections, it’s fine to feel disappointed, at least for the moment.
But keep this in mind: you are not entitled to a romantic relationship with anyone. You are not even entitled to a friendship with anyone. Everyone is free to choose who they want in their lives, and some people might decide that you are not worth their time, for whatever reason. That’s just a reality of life, and it’s important to develop a bit of a thick skin in this area, and learn not to take offense when someone says they are just not interested. If that is the case, respect this individual’s ability to consent and move on.
If somebody lets you into their friend zone, that means they value you as a person and consider you worth their time. So savor it, and be thankful that you are valued.
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This article originally appeared on Medium
Photo credit: Getty Images
Yes. Absolutely. This. I am frequently clueless when someone flirts with me. I just think they’re being nice. We never know if they are going to attack or stalk us. So I hate the “friendzone” concept.
I can appreciate and relate to this article. I’ve been rejected a few times in the past and one of them would reach out to me later on to come hang out with me. When she had a baby with her partner, she sent me a picture of her little boy and asked to meet up one day to catch up. She could have moved on with her life and put me out of hers, but she didn’t. There is no greater joy than to know that after all these years, your friend still thinks about you from time to… Read more »
But what’s wrong with that? Why is being “just a friend” a bad thing? At least you still have contact with the person, and you can have some sort of relationship with them and be valued by them, even if it’s not in a romantic way. What’s wrong is that the rejected person wants more than simple friendship. Simply put when a woman is into a guy and she wants to make more of it but guy that isn’t reciprocating is told that she should stay in contact with him and continue being his friend? No she is told that… Read more »
My understanding is that not being into someone and platonic friendships are not “friend zoning”. Friend zoning is when a woman, or far less frequently a man, leads on an interested party whilst being unclear about their level of interest. This is done to obtain things like free dinners, or to use the person and their resources in some fashion or another. When the interested person finally asks for clarity, they are friend zoned so that the investment is one way and the desired party doesn’t have to reciprocate. Friendship is about balance. If you want to be friends, and… Read more »
I think you’re missing the point. Or rather, that you are deliberately avoiding it. “That’s the beauty of platonic friendships. I have many friendships with women where there is no romantic interest involved, and I highly value those friendships.” That’s exactly the point, isn’t it? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with platonic friendships. As long as none of you have a romantic interest in the other. And also, about the guy who got turned down in your anecdote. Since it was HER friends pointing her out for benig cruel, in what way whatsoever was HE being entitled? There is nothing in… Read more »
I’m not saying it’s wrong to be romantically attached to a platonic female friend or act on it. I’m saying don’t do anything stupid if she says no. Take some time to be disappointed if you need, but if she’s not interested, she’s not interested. I did actually ask a girl out since I first published this article, and she said no. I was a little disappointed, but I was able to quickly accept her answer and move on, and we’re still good friends. Nowhere in this post did I outwardly call the guy in my example “entitled.” Admittedly, it… Read more »
My one criticism of this boy in my anecdote is how he asked her out publicly. That isn’t a good idea, for obvious reasons. It places a lot of undue pressure on her to say “yes,” and sets him up for public embarrassment if she says “no.”
Which runs counter to the expectation that one should be able to face and over fear of rejection.
Guys are expected to be the ones that put it on the line to make the first bold move but when they do they then criticized for “putting pressure” on the women they ask out.
I think the point you’re avoiding is that the issue with friend zoning can’t be summed up in a single interaction with no past context as you presented it. I once read a Dear Abby column responding to a letter from a girl who, as I recall, was in middle school. She was asking for advice about an awkward incident that happened to her at school: a boy asked her out with her peers watching, and she turned him down. She was subsequently told by her peers that she was cruel for rejecting his advances. The only way this would… Read more »
I’ve been friends with women I’ve had crushes on. I’ve been friends with women who’ve had crushes on me and it wasn’t reciprocated. I’ve also known women I wouldn’t deal with except for the sex. I’ve even had the experience of being rejected by a few girls in grade school as I was an nonathletic, book worm only to return to the old neighborhood a dozen or so years later having packed on nearly 40 pounds of muscle weight lifting and kick boxing and parlaying all that book worming into a career in information technology. Now they had interest, but… Read more »
Re: a boy asked her out with her peers watching, and she turned him down. She was subsequently told by her peers that she was cruel for rejecting his advances. When the boy asked a personal question of a girl in the presence of others , or any question for that matter, then the boy should be prepared for any answer. That specifically includes answers he would prefer not to receive. The boy in question asked in a public manner and should have been prepared for a no answer. (Presuming of course the question was asked and answered in a… Read more »
@ Bryan Kelly
“When the boy asked a personal question of a girl in the presence of others , or any question for that matter, then the boy should be prepared for any answer. ”
I think you’re glossing over a very significant section before you start “blaming the boy. It is ” She was subsequently told by her peers”. The boy in this story didn’t tell her she was being cruel. The peers are probably reacting to his disappointment. Was he required to have a cheery response?