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Women ask me, “Where are all the good guys?”
It’s a funny question because the good guys are literally all around us. We don’t have to look far to find one or two specimens of this seemingly endangered species. The problem is they go unnoticed.
Now, I’m not talking about the guys who say they’re good but actually aren’t. I’m talking about the guys who are good and don’t say anything (because good guys are too good to say they’re good). They’re the ones who have a secure attachment style. They’re comfortable depending on others (and vice versa), comfortable with intimacy, and open & direct about their feelings. In short, they don’t play games.
But back to the question at hand: Why can’t women see the good guys who surround them?
The way I see it, there are two glaring blind spots…
Gone Game
A big problem with a lot of good guys is they can’t/won’t flirt to save their life.
Flirting is a vital skill. If a guy doesn’t flirt with the woman he is interested in, how will she realize he is interested in her? if he’s into her, he needs to make the first move and show her there’s some attraction. It’s by flirting she sees there’s more to him than his nice guy-ness and she’ll consider him a potential lover.
Flirting is a vital skill. If a guy doesn’t flirt with the woman he is interested in, how will she realize he is interested in her?
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I know tonnes of these types of guys who can’t/won’t flirt and it breaks my heart because they would make great boyfriends, husbands and dads. But chances of that coming to fruition seem so slim because women see them as BFFs, not BFs.
Some guys don’t even notice a woman’s flirtation. She may gaze into his eyes longingly, flip her hair or even say, “You’re so cute, why are you still single?” but even if he’s interested he won’t realize (or doesn’t want to show he’s realized) she’s flirting so, unless she’s got mega confidence to make the first move even though he hasn’t shown any interest, nothing comes of it.
Drama Queens
I’m not blaming men completely. Women have their issues too. Namely, we have this habit of equating drama and volatile behaviour with love.
Good guys with secure attachment systems are supportive and kind. They’re straightforward with their feelings and don’t give mixed messages. These are all wonderful qualities but we seem to have a knack for falling for guys who give us the hot-and-cold treatment. That emotional rollercoaster is addictive.
The guys who give us mixed signals usually have an avoidant attachment style. They avoid commitment and intimacy, and think being dependent on a person is a personality flaw. Their “subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability” can make you feel anxious and insecure. Each time you attempt to get close, they pull away. But when they feel sufficiently independent, they come back with a loving gesture.
After a while, these ups and downs get you equating “the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion…(and) you become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy” — Amir Levine, in his book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love.
So here’s the issue: If she has fallen for her fair share of avoidant types, she will equate the emotional roller coaster to be an indicator of love.
Conversely, if a nice guy who is forthcoming and honest tries to position himself as a possible SO, she may think there’s no chemistry and/or he’s boring because she’s not getting the highs and the lows she’s become accustomed to.
What to do?
We need to work on both sides of the equation.
If the good guys want to expand their options, they need to get their groove on, and show their sexy and playful sides. Sound hard? It isn’t. It’s a question of learning some skills, building confidence, understanding what is appropriate, and practicing. Let’s talk if you’re interested in coaching sessions.
Women, on the other hand, have got to realize that love can be passionate without being dramatic and good guys can be passionate while still being good.
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Women, on the other hand, have got to realize that love can be passionate without being dramatic and good guys can be passionate while still being good. Sound hard? I think this one is harder because dramatic love affairs are crazy addictive and it can be hard to convince a woman that it’s worth breaking the cycle because good guys are her best choice.
Take it from Sheryl Sandberg (Chief Operating Officer at Facebook). In an interview with The Financial Times, she advises women to marry the nerds and good guys. She would know – her late husband, Dave Goldberg, was the epitome of the good guy. He wasn’t a babe and didn’t seem super suave but who fucking cares? He made up for any of those shortcomings by being supportive, kind and understanding. And he was an amazing dad. It would have been such a pity if she hadn’t looked past his blah façade to discover the gem of boyfriend/husband/father behind.
For there to be more successful relationships us women need to be less reactive to the first impression and give good guys more time to show us their multiple layers. The good guys, by the same token, need to learn how to flirt and be confident enough to flirt so they can show women that behind that squeaky-clean exterior lies the man of their dreams.
xo MD
P.S. If you want to find out what your attachment style is you can do this quiz (2 minutes) or this one (15 minutes). I prefer the latter because it’s more comprehensive and gives you a nifty graph to show you where you score re: previous or current romantic relationship, your mom, dad, and friends.
This article originally appeared on MaitreDate.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Woman these days are absolutely horrible. Most good men have realized that feminism and the courts have made it far too dangerous to enter into a relationship with today’s manly women. Ladies, we’re not looking for Educated, we’re looking for Feminine and that’s Extremely Rare anymore. Men have simply stopped participating in society at all these days. There are more available Good Men than Ever right now. We’re just out doing what we enjoy doing. And we’re running the other direction from the “ladies” and courtrooms of today …
The thing is I have no time for bullshit and it’s usually the women wasting my time with their stupid games. If you show genuine interest then they don’t want you, if I ignore them they want me. There is no way to have a win-win situation. It’s more like a battlefield and it’s very repetitive. The juice is not worth the squeeze. All the time I have wasted on women I could have used more productively. I am a tall goodlooking man, well built, smart and successful. Women always give some signs that they are interested and flirting, I… Read more »
First off thanks so much for your candidness coming From a woman who has been burnt by guys and is willing to give them chances. I apologize on all hormonal and confused women’s behalfs as I am one but the problem has to do with conditioning on women’s parts and inconsistencies in what they’re taught by family friends popular culture. We want the chase but the good guy. I’m so sorry we don’t know how to accept good ones we have potentially It’s our self esteem and past hurts causing us to doubt ourselves and good men. If only we… Read more »
Natalie, that’s a lovely response. A very good example of how we always need to lead with love. Everyone benefits. Thank you.
Welp. Here’s the thing Natalie. So many guys have been burned too many times. We may forgive, but don’t forget. After being through the roller coaster several times, and getting the same results. We become wary of even bothering. Another problem is that we know that not every woman will take us to the legal cleaners, but that any woman can. At this point most men can’t tell which ones will or will not. Frankly if wemon want to start fixing the problem; they have to start bitch shaming. If one your friends break up with a good man because… Read more »
Face it- marriage is dead
It is if you don’t believe in it xo