Every straight guy needs at least one platonic female friend. It’s better to have more, but without at least one it is easy to get wrapped up in the vicissitudes of sex and miss out on important lessons that are best taught by women—outside of the bedroom.
Most of what I know that is useful to romantic relationships I learned from being in platonic relationships. Once you cross the Rubicon of the first kiss and experience all the other sexual firsts (unless you’re holding out until your wedding night, which I do not recommend for pragmatic reasons), a romantic relationship is not so different from a close friendship. A lot of the same skills and competencies apply. You have to be a good listener, a good communicator, sensitive, assertive, and flexible enough to put aside your own desires for the sake of the other. All of this is true in a close friendship.
I am not implying that a close friendship and a romantic relationship are mutually exclusive—they’re not—nor am I implying that there aren’t times when one leads to the other. I will also acknowledge that there are a lot of friendships between men and women that are untenable due to unrequited love and the pain and confusion that comes with it. Men, especially, tend to harbor hidden romantic feelings toward their female friends while their female friends do not have as much trouble maintaining boundaries. I want to be clear that when I discuss my friendships with women, I am not talking about the kind of situation where I secretly, or not-so-secretly, desire more than friendship (or less than friendship in the case of a meaningless-sex opportunity). Friendship to me is predicated on honesty as much as a genuine romantic connection. If I decide to be in a long-term “friendship” with a woman while secretly wanting to sleep with her, this is closer to stalking than friendship in my opinion. Such a secret should be brought to the light. Otherwise, you’re not being a good friend.
It’s no secret to my close female friends that I learned all this from them. I learned how to be brutally honest about my intentions or lack thereof and—most importantly—how to be brutally honest about myself: my victories, defeats, humiliations, uncertainties, insecurities, and all the peccadilloes that only a loyal friend or partner could know and still return your phone calls. Most chose to reciprocate.
If nothing more, a close friendship is practice for when you meet the one. If that close friend ends up being the one, then you have already established that which is much harder to develop than sexual chemistry. Cherish the friendship. Most of my exes never rose to the level of close friends, and most of my close friends never fell to the level of exes. I would not be half the man I am today without my female friends and mentors.
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Lady Number 9: To Lady Love, the Valentine Who Never Was
Lady Number 10: The One Who Got Away—and Tried to Do Me Over
Lady Number 11: A Very Close Flight Connection
Lady Number 12: Damsel in Distress
Lady Number 15: Xena Warrior Princess
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