Monday morning, my husband and I argued before I went to work.
The day before, after shopping for nearly five hours, he’d casually said in a conversation about one of his co-workers, “My ex-girlfriend has the same Minnesota accent.” He then went on to imitate the way she pronounced certain vowels.
“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about your ex-girlfriend,” I’d said.
We changed the topic, but then I grew more and more annoyed throughout the night over that one comment.
They only dated a few months, and they broke up two years ago. Why the fuck is he still thinking about her? I thought.
I considered bringing it up again once we were in bed, but my husband fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Unbeknownst to his sleeping body, my mind had the following conversation with him:
MY DUMB MIND: Well, sounds like you brought her up because you’re in love with her.
HIM: Why, of course! We’re going to run away together tomorrow!
MY DUMB MIND FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT: *fuming, rage-filled insecurity*
By the time I woke up the next morning, I was tired, irritable, and furious. My mind had added a 50 gallon drum worth of meaning to that one comment, and I was ready to let him have it after stewing over it all night.
As soon as he woke up, I did what any kind, sensible, and rationalhuman would do by storming into our bedroom and saying, “I am really mad at you. When do you want to talk about it?”
He blinked at me and rubbed his eyes. “What? You’re mad at me? I just woke up. What in the hell did I do?”
“When do you want to talk about it?” I repeated.
“Well, now, I guess.” He said, opening up a Coke Zero and looking at me.
What ensued was exactly as unreasonable and ridiculous as you might imagine. May I point out as well, that the unreasonable ridiculousness was coming from me and not my partner. The poor man was half-awake and had said what, to him, was merely a flippant, meaningless comment.
EVERY couple fights. And if you and your partner are anything like me and mine, then you may even have incredibly stupid ones rooted in fear and insecurity instead of reality.
John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says it doesn’t matter how much a couple fights, but in how they repair after a fight.
“The word ‘repair’ doesn’t mean that your relationship is broken and needs to be fixed. A ‘repair’ is instead a way of getting your relationship back on track.”
On track, meaning back to where you are mutually loving, benefitting, and respecting each other.
The thing I value most about my current relationship is how quickly we can come to an understanding of what a fight was really about, share that, and then ask for forgiveness and forgive.
Once I realized what the real issue was, I was able to communicate that: “hey, I’m just feeling really insecure. Can you assure me that you don’t want to run away with Ms. Minnesota?”
Here’s a list of ways to repair that Gottman suggests:
Taken from here.
Notice that a lot of these require taking responsibility and owning our truths. My partner said something that made me feel insecure. That insecurity + sleeplessness had spun out to much more that had nothing to do with my partner.
I owned my part, apologized for it, and asked my partner for what I needed. He, in turn, did the same.
Throughout the rest of the day, we did other little things that showed we were trying to get things back on track:
- We told each other how much we love and appreciate each other.
- We thanked each other for talking things out and being willing to work on issues.
- We were physically affectionate.
- We went out of our way to be helpful to one another.
Within a couple of hours, we were back to loving and laughing with one another. Within a couple of hours, we were back on track.
“Repairing” is work. For many of us, saying things like, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me,” is terrifying. There’s always a chance our partner could respond, “I AM leaving you!” but we take a risk whenever we love.
We risk every day we are vulnerable and open with someone else who can cut us in our softest, most tender places. But the risk is worth it if it means happier, healthier relationships.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |