There’s a rule about giving dating advice. I call it “The Purple Heart Rule.” It goes like this — You can’t give dating advice to your single friends until you have returned from battle into a happily committed relationship. Only then can you run those poor single slobs through exhaustive drills, dole out your tactical secrets, and polish your war medals…all while binging on endless sex and Netflix.
I hope to someday get to that lofty position. I am not there yet.
I get the frustration from single people. We are now forced to use these newfangled dating apps to meet people. And I use the word “people” lightly. I am sure if you met a man in real life, he wouldn’t walk up to you holding a dead fish. That is not human.
I grow weary too. There are days my blistered thumbs can’t make another right swipe, and my hardened corneas can’t possibly look upon another “Hi Beautiful” message. And I worry my heart might flatline if I meet another cowardly man using dating apps to cheat on his girlfriend or wife.
And still, I solider on…
But I have noticed a few positive dating trends over the last year. Some of these changes are within me. Others have swept me into the shifting cultural landscape. All of these changes are welcome.
To start, there’s the obvious. The days of serial dating are over. Every date is now a calculated risk weighing cooties vs.
companionship. As someone who used to go on 4 or 5 first dates a week (yes, that many), I now feel cured of my dating ADHD. The hamster has broken her wheel.
Now, once you get past the virtual dates, phone calls, and endless text messages, there’s also a new appreciation for human connection. There are days when I am so starved for adult conversation that I think I could love a leper with one witty turn of phrase.
My bar has not lowered. It is a new bar.
We may be having fewer in-person conversations, but we are also having more quality, intimate conversations. And like most daters, I have grown immune to the charms of the flashy narcissist. The shy guy with the slow simmer now gets the girl.
In the past, the slow prodders would get pushed out by the stormy Romancers. Not so now. Now, I stop the music on the inauthentic snake charmers before they play their first seductive note.
The reason is simple — values. We always knew that shared values were one of the biggest predictors of relationship success, but somehow it got lost in the ether. Our values have not changed, but they have become more transparent.
Take politics. Politics used to be a topic you saved for the third or fourth date. Now, many daters won’t even entertain someone who doesn’t share their views on climate change or kids in cages. Politics is no longer a matter of opinion or something you shed with a sigh and a “we will just have to agree to disagree.” Values are your core, and your core just got exposed.
Here’s an example. I have often been speaking to someone on a dating app and discovered they were a Trump supporter. It’s like an automatic “we will never be compatible” time saver. (Ok, I originally wrote “douche bag indicator” and deleted it. But you know I was thinking it…)
That might sound harsh, but I am not alone in this new dealbreaker. According to OKCupid’s survey, 53% of online daters said they would not date across party lines.
Distractions are also gone. Before the pandemic, you could plan small adventures with someone that might mask your incompatibility. There were parties, museums, concerts, theater, meet-ups, art nights, and rummaging through estate sales while making up wild backstories (Don’t knock it until you try it…)
Now, we are stuck inside having quiet, meaningful conversations. The whirlwind has become the maelstrom, and the sea holds more mystery. The people who can’t plumb those depths bob to the surface like dead rats.
Conversation crowns our weary hearts.
But it’s not just the power of these conversations that have changed. The pace has changed too. Before the pandemic, I would insist on a phone call before meeting in person. I got a lot of pushback on that. Now, I no longer. And those phone conversations have screened out many incompatible matches.
Dating has not changed. But our values and timeline have.
We always knew that shared values were one of the biggest predictors of relationship success, but somehow it got lost in the ether. Our values have not changed, but they have become more transparent.
…
A plastic skeleton dressed as a queen sits at my dining room table. Some men find it creepy. Some men get it. Some ask a simple question…why?
My response is always the same — The skeleton is my memento mori — a reminder of the inevitability of death.
During the Renaissance, people decorated their homes with skulls and incorporated them into their art and music — the dance of death. But these skeletons were not some macabre symbol of cultural norms. They had a purpose — they reminded people to live a life full of meaning, honor, and kindness. Because lurking around the corner was the specter of death, and it snuffed out life as easily as it did love.
Life was “nasty, brutish, and short,” but it was the short that sweetened each moment.
This past year has not changed the nastiness or brutishness of the battlefield. But it has reminded us that life is not long enough once you have found someone to share it with.
Trod on my fellow soldiers.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Leyendecker, J. C. (Joseph Christian), 1874–1951 | Public Domain