We’ve all been there and it’s never fun. Christie Hartman breaks down how rejection works, and what it means.
Let’s face it: rejection sucks. I hate it, you hate it, and women hate it. Why? Because it feels crappy. However, rejection is an unavoidable part of life, especially when you’re single. And rejection may suck, but it shouldn’t hold you back from getting what you want.
When a woman says no to a date or never returns your call, people will often tell you, “Don’t take it personally.” Hell, even I’ve said those words. But the truth is, even if you have skin as thick as an alligator, it’s going to feel a bit personal. Why? Because you’re human. And humans take everything personally.
See, we humans have an innate need to feel important. We want others to like and appreciate us for who we are. When we get stuck in environments where we aren’t understood or appreciated, we long for a way out. When we’re lucky enough to find that place (or person) that appreciates who we are, we thrive. That’s why the wrong job or marriage can have such a bad effect on us.
When a woman rejects you, you may feel unappreciated and unimportant. You may dial in on whatever insecurity plagues you: your extra 30 pounds, your hair loss, the fact that you haven’t had sex in two years. You may even feel inadequate or like you’ve somehow “failed.” And, as a result, you may experience a variety of negative emotions: anger, hopelessness, resentment. These feelings suck so much that a life of celibacy, where you’re married to your video games or porn collection, starts to sound like a viable option. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
When a woman rejects you, it means you don’t have what she’s looking for. Yeah, that feels personal. But does that mean there’s something wrong with you? No. Does that mean you’re inadequate? No! She’s just not the girl for you, period.
All of us, male or female, have certain people we find attractive, and other people we don’t. Some people have the qualities we like, others don’t. There’s nothing wrong with those we feel no attraction to or have little in common with – they just aren’t for us. Likewise, a woman has NO control over her level of interest in a man. And if she can’t help how she feels, why should you take it so personally?
The best way to handle rejection is to believe in yourself. There’s another word for this: confidence. Not every woman will like your brand of man. Who cares? Focus on the women who DO appreciate it. They’re out there. And if rejection makes you feel inadequate in some way, either fix the inadequacy or get comfortable with it. Because if you’re comfortable with it, others will be too.
Years ago, a man I knew asked me out over email. I politely turned him down. He responded with a long, angry diatribe about how women “always use the same excuses” and it was “just a casual date and not a candlelight dinner,” etc. He took my lack of romantic interest in him, something I could not control, far too personally. He seemed to believe that by rejecting him I was somehow conveying that he was inadequate or unworthy. In actuality, he was neither. He was attractive and interesting. I just wasn’t interested.
I once gave my phone number to a guy who’d asked for it. I liked him, and he seemed to like me. He never called. Did I feel rejected? Yes. Did I wonder why he never called? Sure. But did I feel inadequate in some way, or resentful of him? No. Why? Because I believed in myself. If he wasn’t interested, someone else would be. And if no man wanted me, then I would make some changes.
In the end, what matters most isn’t women’s opinion of you – what matters is your opinion of you. When you’re comfortable with who you are – insecurities and all – you still won’t like rejection, but you’ll shrug it off and keep going.
When you get out there and date, remember that while rejection never feels good, a woman’s rejection can’t make you feel inadequate. Only you have that ability.
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Photo—Sad young woman from Shutterstock
Nowadays many women are going for the rich type of guys anyway unfortunately since most of these type of women are very greedy, selfish, spoiled, and very money as it is. Most women today just want the best and will never settle for less since they will just use men for money as well to get the nice expensive gifts that they want. Real Golddiggers.
Wow, that’s just some hateful misogyny you’ve got going on there, buddy.
It becomes personal when you have been facing rejection for the last 18 years, despite keeping myself attractive, confident, fit and upbeat.
Try focusing on the PERSONALITY then, not the appearance.
“He was attractive and interesting. I just wasn’t interested.”
Makes no sense.You either find him interesting or you don’t.Don’t sugar coat it.
Rejection sucks when there is a lack of options to compensate. The advantages of being a young girl, for instance, and her power to reject only becomes stronger when the males around her have fewer options which the school system often engineers in place. The heartache that so many lonely males go through is often due to the fact that the modern school system is enclosed, you see the same people year after year and any social mistake becomes known and held against you in perpetuity. Young women often have a joyous time in High School and college compared to… Read more »
“Not every woman will like your brand of man. Who cares? Focus on the women who DO appreciate it. They’re out there.” Fair enough, Christie – but what do you say to someone who in over 20 years of trying has NEVER found ONE woman who appreciates my ‘brand of man’?
At this point, I honestly don’t anyone will ever appreciate it – surely I would have had even a ‘warm lead’ by now??? Is there any point in even trying any more? I’m giving up because clearly I’m just meant to be chronically single.
You’re right, Christie, when you say that “All of us, male or female, have certain people we find attractive, and other people we don’t. Some people have the qualities we like, others don’t.” I certainly find some women attractive but not others. What gets me down is the idea – implicit here and explicit elsewhere – that everyone is attractive to someone. I’m 43 and can honestly say that no woman – that I know of – has ever found me attractive as more than a friend. I have lots of women friends – but none of them has ever… Read more »
Question – How can one deal with the rejection of not seeing their e-mail’s get replied to, winks ignored (and having trollers and a small group wink at you). It has been hurting me so much to see hidden profile after hidden profile after you express some interest in someone. I want to date but the rejection is wearing me down.
Note – I am a 51 yr old male who has been widowed for over 7 yrs. I am also very shy.
Only the first few times it really sucks, then you get used to it. Rejection is quite good actually, you definitely know that it is not worth pursuing any longer.
It goes like this:
You always get rejected by those, you are in love with. Then you get a mediocre replacement, are unhappy for a couple of months/years, break up and end up in the same situation as before except even larger percentage of the girls is taken.
I spent most of the time in the relationship by quantifying how many times better off I would be with one of the girls who rejected me.
Actually, I`ve decided to stop caring, but not in the way that I wouldn`t take rejection personally, but rather I won`t ask anybody out anymore.
Oh please, I’m a woman (early 30’s) and never get any dates or get hit on by men. (I don’t think I am too bad, always thin, fit, well educated, caring and understanding). In the last 10 years, I’ve only had one guy who called me and asked me out on a date. I accepted, even though he was 19 and I was 26. Even the few men that I thought showed interest in me and that I’ve specifically told I was interested in rejected me. All the men around my age that I would be attracted to are already… Read more »
maybe you should have approached some men. you might have thought they didn’t ask you out because they weren’t into you but maybe they just figured you were out of their league
I used to say, and I think that this holds true: “I like the kind of girls who like guys like me…” Sell that one to Travis Tritt— I think it would make a great country song. (he’s a country singer, right? 😉 Anyways– yeah, why not? Some girls liked me for a friend, some liked me for more, and I found the perfect one who likes me for exactly who I am, balding hairline and extra 45 lbs and all! And we couldn’t be happier, especially when I drop a few pounds, because she loved me for less-than-superficial reasons… Read more »
Rejection, romantic or otherwise, hurts so much because it is a rejection of who we are as a person. It has the potential to destroy a person’s self-esteem beyond repair, but if the rejected person has a degree of self-confidence, they will rebound. Such confidence is built in the formative years of a person’s life. Romantically speaking, if an individual has had positive reactions from those they are attracted to, being accepted, then that person’s self-confidence will have a strong foundation against rejection later on in life. Conversely, if someone has been rejected too often in their younger years, the… Read more »
Drew – Just wondering what it is you did to “turn it around” since I would NEVER, ever approach a woman. If she wants me, she can approach! I cannot imagine going up to any of them, to feel like a dog chasing a car down the street. You managed to do something to change your outlook!
Reading these comments is very interesting. I especially identify with AlexNovk’s thoughts about how unfriendly and unsociable people are when they go out these days. I remember high school and early college; me and another guy would go out, see some girls, go talk to them, flirt…it was about meeting people and having fun. As soon as college was done that stopped cold. I’m 30 and I haven’t had a real date in a long time (although I have hooked up with girls from time to time which is all I can get). Going out to clubs and bars is… Read more »
As a woman who is also 30, I can see where those women, who are somewhat hostile to you, when you approach them, come from and it definitely has little to do with you, as cheesy as it may sound. Women in this age group are sort of caught between what they want and what they actually get. They’ve already had quite enough of negative experiences with men and while men can go for younger women with less baggage, those who go for younger men find out those guys are just not mature enough for a steady relationship. They often… Read more »
I used to flirt a lot , if I saw someone I liked I let it be known, I never saw anything wrong with this. Unfortunately I have had friends get pissed at me for flirting with guys because it took attention away from them. Just a year ago I had a huge fall out with a friend for talking to a guy at the beach ( I initiated the conversation then invited him and his friend to join us) at forty-one years old and single I’m getting shit for talking to a guy, she was actually yelling at me… Read more »
It’s interesting to see this discussion go back and forth. Women do feel something negative when guys don’t approach them. They say something like, “I don’t feel pretty,” or “what’s wrong with me” or “what’s wrong with these guys.” This is a feeling of not being appreciated, of loneliness, etc. It’s not exactly rejection, but it is real and all women experience it from time to time. We can come up with a name for it, but let me be clear that I think women are completely free to feel this way. They don’t have to be aggressive and ask… Read more »
And then some women wonder why psychopaths and socipaths have an easier time getting laid and dating. The traditional gender dating script requires you to LITERALLY feel no emotion or care what women think of you AT THE MOMENT of rejection. Do you folks not see the issue with this? How does one not care at the exact moment of rejection, but then care about her and her opinion BEFORE and AFTER the rejection? Do you people not get why so many guys turn into emotion-less aholes? I’m sorry to inform you of this – humans are generally made to… Read more »
The thing with me is that I dont just find any and every girl attractive. And by attractive I dont just mean physically. I mean sure I find many girls physically attractive but I’m interested in more than just that. So when you dont just fall for anyone, the one’s you do fall for are extremely important to you. I am currently madly in love with a girl who is my best friend and she tells me i’m hers too. She rejected me a while back and I told myself i’d rather have her in my life as a friend… Read more »
So many things I want to say to you right now. I sense your worry and fear for this person you care for very much. And if she is being abused you are right to worry and fear. There is a lot of complexity to what might be going on for her, and I really would ask that you not internalize her choices as a commentary on you or your worth. Her issues with him (and with herself and the cycle she might be in) has nothing to do with your worth as a person. She needs help and support… Read more »
I second what Julie Gillis says. It is sad to see somebody engage in self-destructive behavior or allow themselves to stay in any kind of problem situation due to immature thinking. I hope this woman does not suffer too much abuse before she gets out. But you’ve done all that you can do, which is point out to her that the evidence of abuse can be seen by others, and point out that she has other options in her life. Having said that, both she and you are stuck in thinking that your feelings are god-like super-messages. In other words,… Read more »
No, no, no. Rejection works more like a smart investment strategy. Imagine if you made investments in two stocks in the stock market. You bet that both will go up. One goes down however. You get out of that when it loses 15%. The other goes up and doubles! Yes! So when you get accepted, you win big because you end up on a date and maybe a great relationship. When you lose, you get out after 5 to 10 minutes. Yes it is annoying. But it is not a huge catastrophic loss. With that attitude, you can stay in… Read more »
I think of dating as social darwinism with a vengeance. All you have to do is question the status quo – even within yourself – and you lose instantly.
I’m an interested and avid dancer since more than 15 years. (Not salsa, but other forms of couples-dancing that are quite popular around here) I partake in my friends’ family lives, often accompanying their kids with public school days, homework, and spare time activities where I’m also sometimes engaged as a group leader and meet lots of other parents and get lots of appreciation for what I do with the kids. I have and have always had and partaken in several outdoor types of interests and hobbies. (Since you wrote an advice somewhere else to “get out and get a… Read more »
speakeasy, I tried online dating years ago and it was a total buzzkill. Never again, at least not until the day I decide to spend perfectly good money to be decieved and humiliated by perfect strangers again. I actually go out a lot, and am involved in community activities. Last night was First Friday, and I went to a couple of gallery openings, an opening and party at a vintage clothing store, saw a couple of bands, and went dancing in a disco (I am a pretty good dancer who never hesitates to get on the floor) and hit a… Read more »
It seems some of the commenters can’t seem to get passed the initial rejection, it takes some time to learn how to read body language and signs. If I talk to a guy and he is giving short answers and not looking at me I’m assuming he isn’t interested ( not attracted , has a girlfriend), that is not rejection. I move on. I need to say if you don’t learn some basic skills of approach and reading signs you might be a nice person that comes across in all sorts of ways that aren’t good. Also if someone is… Read more »
Thoughtful post, speakeasy. I was standing on the sidewalk after a cultural event not too long ago, with a group of attractive women of various ages and orientations, both friends and people I had just met. For some reason, they were talking about their criteria for rejecting or accepting the overtures of an interested party. There was a general focus on looks, clothing, social status (ie. money), and personality, but none of things that you mentioned in your first paragraph came up at all. I casually interjected that I had to settle for any woman that would have me. Talk… Read more »
Oh yes JP , I can see how that would be a conversation killer! We all have choices, it’s our self doubt that is the problem. Most people have it ,some are better at hiding it then others . I have learned to not put my insecurities on display. The “nice guy ” I mentioned , was from an online dating site , he sent the initial email that I found friendly as apposed to creepy , while I wasn’t crazy attracted to his pictures ,we had a fun email exchange that went on for three days then he asked… Read more »
The problem is that is almost impossible when you’ve suffered from a long long long string of crushing rejections. In my experience, rejection gets worse each additional time, not better. Whether we like it or not our experiences shape who we are and if your experience in dating was “I’ve asked out 100 women and not even one of them has said yes to a date” then you’re going to lack confidence and want to make it so the first girl that says yes works out at least a bit. It is like telling a man who’s been walking in… Read more »
Agreed.
I’ve tried to keep my spirits high but when you have literal decades worth of rejections its hard. And I know that the “all you gotta do is believe in yourself” crowd means well but it just rings hollow because (at least from what I notice) is that is usually coming from people that have at least some measure of success.
Its like the guy that’s “loved and lost” trying to tell the guy that’s “never loved at all” that love isn’t that big of a deal.
And that’s what it comes down to for a lot of people.
speakeasy, Believe me, I have a pretty high opinion of myself, as do my many friends of both genders. It’s just that none of those friends are women who have any interest in having a relationship with me, at least not lately. The comment I made to those women was a bit of a reality check for them, and it was also true. There was absolutely no possibility that I was going to get anything besides drinking buddy status going with any of them. I think that good looking people assume, wrongly, that people that are not so good looking… Read more »
I want to go back to your original comment to me. Everyone should have a some sort criteria , mine is more about style then looks, personality, and genuine interest in me as a person. A turn-off to me is if someone is only into me cause they think I’m hot, this means they only wish to have sex with me. If someone says they have no criteria I guess that raises an instant red flag. That being said looks don’t hurt in the pursuit of love or sex. They get you in the door, looks with nothing to back… Read more »
As lame as this sounds , learn to like yourself, it will actually make you more attractive. I think the problem is this. How can you learn to like yourself when you have a life time of evidence that you are an unlikable person? How can you feel attractive when you have a life time of evidence that you are not attractive? Its almost like folks in situations like that missed out on some fundamental thoughts and beliefs when they were younger and now that they are older they are trying to pick them up. In short an old dog… Read more »
The problem here is that most people live in a mathematically definable social circle. In other words, there are only a certain number of people that they are going to interact with socially because of their interests, profession, geography, or social status. Once a guy gets rejected by a small number of women in that circle, they basically have to stop trying because they are going to perceived as a desperate creeper by both women AND men if they continue, That leaves hitting on strangers in the supermarket or bars (thus the popularity of PUA), or the hopeless, humiliating con… Read more »
“The problem here is that most people live in a mathematically definable social circle. In other words, there are only a certain number of people that they are going to interact with socially because of their interests, profession, geography, or social status. Once a guy gets rejected by a small number of women in that circle, they basically have to stop trying because they are going to perceived as a desperate creeper by both women AND men ” Most people perceive it this way. But its pretty easy to widen or alter your social circle by joining a meetup, club,… Read more »
“Most people perceive it this way. But its pretty easy to widen or alter your social circle by joining a meetup, club, event, meeting friends of friends, chatting online, even going to a bar.” Friends of friends is exactly what he was saying – if the friends of your friends’ friends are all either taken or the same sex as you, it won’t do you much good. A lot of women say they don’t want to be “harassed” (read: approached) at meetups, clubs, or events. They say they don’t want men hitting on them when chatting online. There’s a ton… Read more »
Rejections of romantic/sexual approaches would not suck nearly so much were it not for that minority of people who chose to act offended that you approached them at all. It’s hard not to internalize those sorts of rejections, and I’d guess most guys over 20 have experienced at least a couple.
Yeah that doesn’t make it easier.
How can we really know whether someone wants to be approached, before we ask? There’s a lot of talk about the importance of communication when it comes to sex, but when approaching we’re expected to just guess?
It’s about body language, though that’s definitely not always easy to read. But it’s also about context. Are you just looking for sex? Well then chances are the place to approach someone is a club or bar, and not on the street or the subway. Are you just looking for a chat with anyone, and sex has nothing to do with it? Well then, most places are fine for that, though any place where people are in transit is less likely to work out. If you’re trying to get from point A to point B, sometimes the last thing you… Read more »
“Questions like this often make me think that men are portraying themselves as like, sex-hunters, or something. As if all they do all day is look around for some tail. Which is a disservice to men, I think.” Perhaps you should take a closer look at your gendered assumptions. There’s more to relationships than sex and conversation. Think of all the things women look for in a relationship. Why would men be any different? The chances of a hetero relationship working out are the same for men and women (it takes two to tango). However, the women almost never approach… Read more »
Female same-sex dating is just as screwed up. There are successful couples just as there are in straightland, but I personally know two bi girls who’ve been waiting for each other to make the first move for about six months now, and I’m betting that happens quite a lot, albeit perhaps (?) not so much in exclusively lesbian spaces where the participants carry less heteronormative baggage with them.
As for gay men, I don’t know any well enough to comment. They’re too busy just fucking each other.
I’m sure your comment was made in jest 🙂 But as for gay men… rejection stings us to the core as well… not all of us are just too busy fucking each other (wink). I’ve spent many a night with my heart in my stomach, lamenting just the tiniest rejection from another man… Ugh, the pain just cuts so so deep.
Approaching strangers is kind of like using “cold calling” to sell life insurance. You will piss off a lot of people who didn’t want to be bothered. A lot of people will hang up on you. It’s inevitable. If you are someone who gets irritated at telemarketers, you can probably understand why, if you approach strange women, some will react negatively. I don’t think you should take it personally.
If you are someone who gets irritated at telemarketers, you can probably understand why, if you approach strange women, some will react negatively. I don’t think you should take it personally. That’s not the issue – the issue is that feminists are now passing laws to declare this a crime. In britain they just adopted laws whereby they’ve effectivelly made flirting illegal and punishable in all locations and areas. – Again, we men don’t mind that the vast majority of women are lazy and wait for the men to do all the work. – We don’t even mind the harsh… Read more »
“That’s not the issue – the issue is that feminists are now passing laws to declare this a crime. In britain they just adopted laws whereby they’ve effectivelly made flirting illegal and punishable in all locations and areas.” The what? Link? I believe this is your experience. Man, it’s just so not mine. Growing up? Everyone flirted. People asked each other out. Girls asked out guys. People started coming out and were supported by us. In college, I pretty much was like…”You, come here, help me learn about ahem ahem…” I know women who asked their husbands to marry them.… Read more »
I actually remember the 90s (I was just a kid, but my older cousins took me to parties). Everyone flirted with everyone, groups chatted to each other. Groups talked to groups and mingled with each other… Since the mid 90s people are just completely asocial and hostile. Past high-school most parties are very tightly-knit groups of only-males or only-females where nobody approaches anyone all night. And when they do, the women usually harshly shut down the men with rude comments. In my generation the attitude amongst women is “rapist until proven otherwise”. And women don’t send men signals, don’t stare… Read more »
Yeah, that’ just seems…well quite sad. I don’t know Alex. I guess find a city and group of people in your age range where you see a lot of happy attitudes, or date older, or…well, I work with folks on a college campus and I don’t see this kind of tension. Maybe I’m just missing something.
I’m sorry.
I wasn’t asking you for advice. My dating life is fine thank you very much, but I’m privileged as I’m part of a hobby where we travel and meet hundreds of like-minded people from many countries, meet actors, dancers, producers and generally work with media projects and celebrities. You can say it’s like having an extended social circle with tens of thousands of members. That doesn’t change the scenario of what happens in the typical club or party out there in terms of strangers. This isn’t about me or julie, it’s about the general society out there. Check out those… Read more »
I mean this is such basic reality, I think it’s a mismatch of reality to even discuss it. Go into any club or bar and notice if the women stare and smile at ANYONE at all. Stand around and observe what happens to the rare man who decides to walk up to a group of women and say something. I mean, this is a total mismatch what you are saying. I’ve interviewed literally hundreds of men and asked them if they have EVER had a woman ask them out EVER even once. I only had one american Bass player say… Read more »
This comment was in response to Julie above who said Yeah, that’ just seems…well quite sad. I don’t know Alex. I guess find a city and group of people in your age range where you see a lot of happy attitudes, or date older, or…well, I work with folks on a college campus and I don’t see this kind of tension. Maybe I’m just missing something. Also be sure to google for and find the articles talking about virginity rates at ivy league schools and campuses and how they are increasing. Numbers paint a better picture then whether you “see… Read more »
Hey, I wasn’t trying to step on you. Totally not. Just hearing what you were saying and it sounds harsh. Like…shit, I don’t want that for anyone.
I’m sad for that generation because flirting and dancing and sex and joy is a wonderful thing. I even got to experience it after the dawn of HIV, and it’s shitty that there are people out there who didn’t. So don’t think I’m patronizing you, I’m not.
I was just trying to connect.
Here’s my story of rejection: \ I asked a girl “out” when I was 12. She said yes, and I was on top of the world for a day. (At that time “going out” meant a bike ride to get a Slurpee, with maybe a kiss). The next day, she told me that she did it as a joke. The problem I have with the idea of confidence and “believing in yourself” is that often some of the worst people have the most confidence in themselves. I’m not going into a Nice GuyTM rant because I’m not even talking about… Read more »
I think you’ve got that backwards.