New columnist Hugo Schwyzer explains that men are too willing to muddle through a mediocre marriage—and women are less inclined to settle.
Vicki Larson had a piece at the Huffington Post the other day, “Why Women Walk Out More Than Men,” citing research indicating that two-thirds of contemporary divorces are initiated by women. Why, she wonders, are men so comparatively reluctant to file for divorce?
Larson notes the “bad behavior” of men like Sean Penn, Jesse James, Tiger Woods, and Tony Parker, habitual cheaters all, and asks why it was their wives who chose to end the marriages. Is this a case of men trying to have their cake and eat it too, combining domestic comfort and sexual novelty? Larson isn’t sure.
One thing I’m sure of: infidelity is far from the only reason women initiate divorce more often than men.
Though most statistics indicate men are more likely to cheat than women, the percentage of women who are unfaithful is rising. At the same time, the percentage of divorces women initiate is climbing, too. If there were a simple correlation between infidelity and divorce, then we’d expect men to be initiating divorce more often. But that’s not the case.
♦◊♦
The reason women are more likely to leave is less about cheating than it is about their unwillingness to settle.
Men and women are raised with very different attitudes toward marriage. Though marriage rates are falling, popular culture still foists a romantic ideal of connubial bliss onto young girls. When I ask my college students if they’ve ever fantasized in detail about their wedding day, 80 percent of young women raise their hands. (Only about 10 percent of the guys admit to the same.) Yes, young women are more likely to want to delay marriage, but their expectations of romantic fulfillment are as high as ever. Boys, on the other hand, grow up in a “guy” culture that sees marriage as the end of freedom.
Put simply, boys are taught that marriage is about “settling down” while girls are taught that marriage is about finding enduring fulfillment. And it’s obvious who has the higher set of expectations.
♦◊♦
I met the woman who would be my third wife in 2000. I was 33. I had already burned through two ill-advised marriages in my 20s; my drinking, drug use, and infidelity ruined both relationships. At 31, I got sober. I changed my life. After two years of focus on my recovery, I was ready for something completely different, something stable.
Elizabeth was unlike any woman I’d ever been with. There was no destructive, overpowering chemistry. There was no hint of drama. We were intellectually compatible, from similar social backgrounds. We shared the same values and aspirations. She was hitting 30, eager to be married. I was eager to do something right this time. We were engaged within four weeks of our first date and married within a year.
Too many of us confuse being a good man with the willingness to endure.
|
Elizabeth and I never stopped having those wonderful conversations. We never cheated on each other, never raised our voices in anger to each other, certainly never threw vases or glasses at one another. And of course, we had no “heat” together. The lovemaking was tender but awkward. I couldn’t orgasm without thinking of someone else—and as I found out later, neither could she. By our first anniversary, we were having sex barely once a month.
I never saw it coming. Fifteen months into our marriage, Elizabeth told me calmly that she wanted a divorce. She’d made a mistake, she said, in settling for compatibility and friendship. She wanted more. She deserved more. “And so do you, Hugo,” she added.
I begged her to reconsider. Sure, I’d noticed the lack of passion. Yes, I was unhappy about our sex life. But I was damn sure not going to cheat; after two disastrous failures, I took my marriage vows seriously. Elizabeth and I had a nice house, two nice careers, two nice dogs, many nice friends. At this point in my life, I thought nice was enough. Nice was worth settling for.
Elizabeth wanted more than nice. She wanted passion, romance, and friendship with a spouse. I told her she was unreasonable; she told me I was selling both of us short. She filed for divorce, telling me I’d thank her someday. “When hell freezes over,” I replied.
Six weeks later, hell froze over.
♦◊♦
I moved out of the house I shared with Elizabeth and into a little apartment. A fortnight later, I met the woman who is now my fourth and final wife. We’ve been together over eight years now, and though our marriage is far from perfect, it has the combination of both deep friendship and genuine heat that Elizabeth knew we both deserved.
If I’d had my way, Elizabeth and I would never have divorced. We would have gone on being nice for years and years, each of us vaguely dissatisfied but resolutely committed to what we’d begun. We would have had children. Eventually, one or both of us would have had an affair out of desperation. One way or another, the marriage would have ended. My way would not only have postponed the inevitable, it would have made the inevitable much uglier.
Too many of us confuse being a good man with the willingness to endure. Too many of us think that a “real man” keeps his promises—even when those promises are making him miserable. Good marriages need more than a grim resolve not to leave no matter how bad things get. Men are more likely to forget that than women.
And so, as the statistics tell us, men are more likely to be left.
—Photo by Alex E. Proimos/flickr
People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They don’t want to hurt their spouses. They don’t want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown.
Definitely agree with the author. It is really an eye opener to see in the last 4-5 years how many more couples are choosing to end long-term relationships. It’s not uncommon now for 20, 25, 30, 35+ years old relationships to end. The kids are late teens or young adults and the parents have just be existing in a roommate style relationship to keep the peace. I wish that more men would step up and end their relationships instead of live with the guilt of being in a long-term affair. Women seem to be able to figure out that ending… Read more »
Well now that many women have their careers and independence today which they’re very likely to cause more divorce unfortunately since they have become very greedy and selfish these days.
How it is greedy and selfish to want too leave an unhappy marriage?
crap i made a typo
So men and women want different things from marriage. No wonder most fail.
Because Most of us men are the committed one’s.
One thing that is overlooked here is that women have a huge financial incentive to divorce where as men do not.
Yeah, let’s take marriage advice from a guy on his fourth wife. It’s a good thing you don’t have any kids from a previous marriage, bro. I’m sure people with habits like yours will totally allow for stable households raising children who don’t grow up and commit crimes.
(This has been up for a year and a half, so I may have already said this.) The question of child custody has to play a big role in many cases. The divorce structure most often means that a man who gets divorced will get less time with his children, so a man who asks for divorce is asking for something that means he will be less able to see his children grow up. A woman who asks for divorce generally has less danger of “losing her kids” to the divorce. We could actually test this with the statistics. If… Read more »
I think more women initiate divorce more for several reasons… 1. Women gre up listening to stories of divorced women that took their exhusband for everything he was worth. They got part of his retirement, house, house contents, children, car etc… It gets worse if the divorced woman went on to find a man that had more money or was better looking. Divorce is then viewed as a positive that enriches a woman and creates options and opportunity. It is fortunate for males the courts are more interested in justice and equity now as my exwife found out to her… Read more »
hear a nonstop litany (need to spell check)
Actually most women initiate divorce out of boredom. Bored of their men, bored with their sex lives. It doesn’t help that most men in North America are not fit, are usually not vain enough and ugly, are freaking bad in bed and not as giving (women give much more – oral sex, handjobs, dirty surprises, etc. – and make their men come much more, almost 80% of the men achieve orgasm all the time, while only 30% of women achieve orgasms all the time with their partners, intercourse is a given but it doesn’t focus on the woman’s pleasure, men… Read more »
Women want novelty. Then why do they marry in the first place?
Hugo. I’m sorry any of us go through this. I’m not going into one-upmanship, but I can’t wait till I get to my disclosure article where my abuse as a child was heinous leveraged against me. I was shown at gun-point by two sheriffs who sneak-attacked me in my own shower…oy vey…too much to tell and its all sick-making. $140,000 in lawyer fees alone, I was horse-dragged through life.
Well written article sir! I feel relief when I read such things…that I’m not alone in many aspects.
In my limited experience, when the women initiates the divorce/break-up it’s only after the man has practically forced her into it. I think men are less comfortable being seen as the “bad guy” who abandons his wife and kids, and would rather be passive-aggressive and force a preemptive strike by the wife.
BS, if you look at statistics, women initiate first and gets guy by surprise in majority of cases. Guys role is normally to be more aggressive, to think he would be passive aggressive in this case is dumb, and research supports it if you google it. Author hit a nail on a head, guys ready to settle down, while women want romance and friendship. Two words that doesn’t work well together. In fact nice guys who try to start with friendship, most of the time fail and get no romance.
Get them by surprise because men believe women will actually keep putting up with bullshit eternally. Of course women want romance (ignites passion) and friendship. If your partner can’t be a friend they are useless. Women get bored with sex too fast in general, they need new stimulation, more romance, passion. Women didn’t create marriage and weren’t born to be with one man only for the rest of their lives, with the plus that females in nature are always looking for a better male (better genes/sperm) to mate with. And are these nice guys handsome? or just nice, but ugly… Read more »
@ SHARON
I think you may be right on the mark with your opinion.
If I could do one thing to save marriage today, it would be removing all of the bullshit, Oprah-change your man crap is in the media. Don’t get me wrong, I love weddings and grew up in a religious conservative family that cherished marriage above all else but if you believe that walking down the isle is going to be the answer to all of life’s questions you are sorely mistaken. A short time ago I saw the second twilight movie, and though it wasn’t all bad, I really didn’t like the bit at the end when the two guys… Read more »
Oh my god.
Men talk about their feelings to each other in my Country. And for real, equating it to a “pornographic” fantasy? What the heck? lol.
That is not ridiculous that women expect men to be in tune with their emotions and feeling and that they will be emotionally intelligent. And men keep changing, all the time.
I am here because of heterosexuality? Nah, my father is bisexual..
I was in the same boat, and actually was very unhappy for years. I felt as if I was drowning, suffering and my ex played with my emotions. I initiated my breakup and mentioned divorce many times before I walked out with my daughter. This article really touches me because this was me. There was no passion, or heat, that was the worst feeling. I slowly felt like I was losing me and I did, for a while. Was I selfish; yes I wanted to be happy, did I harm my child; yes. I feel happy now and I would… Read more »
I totally agree with you Hugo. Great article, and oh-so true.
Men are the victims of this feminist culture which places all the blame on men’s shoulders. Even women are waking up to this hypocrisy as this video proves: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plkeKMTDM9g
Blame isn’t on all men. Just the one.
Of course it’s complicated and there are lots of factors at work. Divorce is an event that happens a thousand times a day with people all over the country. But, I think the article is onto something about expectations going in to marriage. There’s a good argument to be made that women are generally likely to have higher expectations of marriage than men do, or maybe demand more from marriage than men do. Maybe for wives there is a bigger letdown after the honeymoon period than there is for men, so the disappointment hits them harder than for men. It… Read more »
Hugo, First of all, thank you for finding me and reading my HuffPost piece. I just stumbled upon your article while looking for another article in the GMPM; glad I did. In reading what you wrote, it seems more an issue of marrying the wrong people than marriage=settling. Who would argue with “settling” with the right person? (Of course, when Lori Gottlieb suggested that in her book, “Marry Him!,” it got a lot of women upset). That’s choosing wisely, not “settling.” In my article, I did take not of other reasons for divorce besides infidelity, as well as the fact… Read more »
Maybe its because men stand to lose a lot more when they divorce (financially and otherwise — married men live longer)….
They don’t live longer, it just seems that way.
” this phenomenon stood even when we’re talking about faithful, non-violent unions where there is a roughly egalitarian split in housework and childcare.” Which phenomenon? Men not initiating divorce? How men and women are socialized differently? I assumed at first you meant the former, but I don’t see how you could possibly know. First there’s the problem of identifying and defining egalitarian splits in domestic labour. From the housework studies I’ve read about, something even “roughly” egalitarian is quite rare. Then of those egalitarian relationships, you’d have to find ones that have divorced. From those, you’d then be able to… Read more »
Rain, what I had to cut to fit the word limit was a sentence I ought to have worked in to the effect that this phenomenon stood even when we’re talking about faithful, non-violent unions where there is a roughly egalitarian split in housework and childcare. kryptogal, My ex wife didn’t leave me because we didn’t connect sexually. Our lack of sexual connection was a symptom of a deeper incompatibility. Sex waxes and wanes in any marriage. Flames grow weaker. But if the flame was never there in the first place, then trying to deny that “heat” is as vital… Read more »
There’s a word limit on the internet? That’s ridiculous.
It’s very bizarre reading a criticism of men who choose to “endure” in their marriages written by a man who has been divorced three times before the age of 35. I don’t mean to be rude, Hugo, but I hope you can at least appreciate the humor. You’ve been married FOUR times before the age of forty!! I guess it should come as no surprise that you’re a big proponent of trading up. I too, am a serial monogamist (though luckily I’ve only been married once), so I identify with your need to convince yourself that THIS time it’s “for… Read more »
What an incredibly honest, relevant, and potent response. In my humble opinion, this post has refuted not one, but every one of Hugo’s points of argument in this blog. I understand this entry is dated, but I find it unfortunate that this post did not receive a proper rebuttal from Hugo. As far as I’m concerned – this response is succinctly successful in unraveling the original argument.
Wow, this is a sad story. I endure. I endure every day for my two daughters. I had an affair for two and a half years that tore me apart and I debated whether to leave my wife for her or stay and endure niceness.One year later, Im still enduring. You endure for the kids. My kids are happy. Though mom and dad are barely physical and quite remote. Its probably not as bad as that, but it sure feels like it. I hate guys like Mark Sanford who left his wife for that Argentine woman. I should havedone the… Read more »
Too many of us confuse being a good man with the willingness to endure. Too many of us think that a “real man” keeps his promises—even when those promises are making him miserable. Good marriages need more than a grim resolve not to leave no matter how bad things get. Men are more likely to forget that than women.
Is it that men forget or are they socialized to believe that grim resolve is the only option (as in not that they forget but are told that there are no other options)?
Are you out of your mind? I initiated at least two of my divorces. And it felt good. There comes a point when you just can’t take it anymore. There comes a point when you’re sick of hearing about her issues, and why they don’t like her at this one particular store at the mall, and how all of the women who frequent this store talk about her, and they don’t like her shoes, and they think that her hair was better when it was longer, and then they talk about it, but there’s always this one friend who–and I’m… Read more »
Great video:
Sex Differences: Why Won’t Men Commit?
https://www.youtube.com/user/1menaregood1#p/a/u/1/Va-YTf5Caj8
Men Are Good.