Being fed up with her was more to do with my lacks, than with any of hers!
I’ve regularly felt ‘pissed off ‘ with other people for one reason or another, but I
discovered that when it came to my partner, that frustration was rooted in a totally
unjustified sense of entitlement; of having “rights” in my relationship, and the
feelings of frustration when the expectations that go with that weren’t met. But the
reality is that, except for basic “human rights”, as an adult I have no ‘rights’ in my
relationship at all – other than the right to decide what is I like and want more of; and
if I’m not getting enough of those whether or not to stay.
As a child, I had a right to expect care from my parents. As it happens, that wasn’t
forthcoming from them, which I think created a sense of anger and disappointment
which stayed with me as I grew older, and came me to the surface whenever I was in
a conflict with a partner! I can see now that as an adult, being hurt or disappointed
by somebody else is always mostly a replay of some feeling or lack I had in my
childhood.
When I let go of that and any other misplaced sense of “rights“ I might have with a
partner, I can be clear with myself, and with her, about what things are essential and
important for me in a relationship. And if those things are not there – and there
doesn’t seem to be any interest in them being understood or offered – rather than
being “pissed off“, I can accept that I won’t get what I need, and look after myself by
leaving
As I let go of ‘expectations’ with my partner, I have no need to engage in passive
aggressive games or secret attempts at hurting and retaliating. All of that can be
bypassed, framed by the simple acceptance that no one else is to blame for, or is
responsible for, my feelings except myself. And since only I am responsible, if I stay
in a situation that isn’t working for me, once I have understood what I need,
reflected on whether it seems reasonable or not, and waited to see if there seems to
be a willingness to provide it- well then I only have myself to blame.
I can have a reasonable – and clearly described – ‘expectation’ of qualities such as
honesty, support, kindness from a relationship, but if that expectation is not met,
instead of being angry, I can explain what I need and confirm that that if I’m not
being offered enough of it, I can leave.
With this frame of mind, I’ve found out that I never need to be “pissed off`’ with
anybody ever again! -Instead I can be compassionate, kind and patient with myself
and with everybody else, at the same time as looking after myself. Life is a lot more fun like this.
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