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“What does Gov. Cuomo have to do with me?”
By Mira Kirshenbaum
There are two huge problems with what we’re hearing about New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo.
First: Based on allegations, he has created a toxic work environment filled with harassment and intimidation against women, making their lives a living nightmare (as in accounts by Rebecca Traister, Erica Schwiegershausen, and Bridget Reid, among many others). This would be a huge problem for the women who’ve come forward, and for whatever women have been afraid to come forward.
Second, it’s a huge political problem for Cuomo’s supporters.
There’s a far more insidious problem here. We don’t see ourselves in Governor Cuomo – and why would we? When we read about a man or woman who massively and horribly uses their power to oppress and terrorize people, a chasm opens up between that person and us. Thank God, we think, I’m not like that. I’m a good person. I would never do something like that.
When I, Mira Kirshenbaum, touch upon the power moves that I claim men and women make in their relationships, it’s easy to think, “Moi??”
This is the way denial works for problem drinkers. They hear about some raging drunk who drives into a van killing five people, and they think, “Oh, I’m not like that! I’m not an alcoholic.”
You don’t have to be convicted of drunk driving and vehicular homicide to be an alcoholic. You don’t need to be an out-of-control governor to be someone who is reduced to using power moves in his or her relationship.
What’s more, saying “Oh, that’s not me” is the surest way to allow the power dynamics to work their cancerous path towards harming your relationship.
How do I know that you and your partner abuse power when you’re trying to resolve conflict, in spite of the fact that you’re a good person with good intentions? The best answer is that I’ve never known it not to be the case.
Here are two examples of power plays. I had a patient a number of years ago who was a world-famous negotiator, a guru for bringing about peace around the world through non-confrontational negotiation. If ever there was a person dedicated to peace, this was it.
I saw him in his marriage. And no, this isn’t about hypocrisy. He tried to be as good there as he was elsewhere. It’s just that he experienced his wife as difficult and his wife experienced him as difficult. They had trouble getting their needs met with each other. Welcome to the club!
As an expert in negotiation, he had all the tools he needed for brokering an understanding with his wife. She too, an educated, cultured woman, had everything a person needs not to be a go-for-the-throat power-move person. Still! After a minute or two of frustration, one with the other, the power moves would come out.
“Sarah, you’re talking like a crazy person!” he’d say. “You should be telling this to your therapist, not me. You’re not even close to being reasonable here.”
It’s the “you’re a nut” move. This is a power move if there ever was one. How do you come back from being called crazy? Maniacally scream, “I’M NOT CRAZY!”? Good luck! She was far too sane for that. Instead, she’d counter-punch with another power move: threaten to leave him, or to tell everyone how awful he was, preventing her from doing this or that.
“It’s for your own good!” he’d say. As if she needed a legal guardian.
“It’s for your own convenience!” she’d say.
They couldn’t even begin to deal with each other without making power moves. He was universally loved and respected by everyone who worked with him, including those who worked most closely with him. Inside his marriage, he and his wife had arrived at a place of terrible disempowerment, painful feelings of not being loved and cared for. They didn’t know how else to cope other than falling back on power moves.
The other example is me. I know! I mean, come on! I wrote the book on the subject, right? I should be the master of not using power moves.
It turns out that power moves are my instinctive go-to response. If I feel attacked, I’ll attack back. If I feel threatened, I’ll escalate the threat. I’m good at sh*t like that. I’m a nice, loving person, or at least try to be. I have a hostage video of my husband saying so!! We’ve been happily married since we were in college, and I’ve worked hard to become self-aware about my use of power moves and to dial my use of them way back.
If my husband points out a power move I’ve just made, I really do what my book Why Couples Fight says: I accept the feedback and do a do-over.
Still, I know what it’s like to grab for power.
So what’s the point here?
We can’t be thinking the world is divided between horrible power-mad monsters—governors, dictators, producers, CEOs, assistant principals, and stuff—on one side and on the other side the rest of us where butter wouldn’t melt in our mouths. We have to be humbler and more self-aware than that. Normal, decent, well-intentioned people—under the pressure of feeling disempowered and frustrated—are almost certain to default to power moves of some sort in their relationships. These power moves will soon take on a life of their own.
The proud and blind are condemned to commit the same tragic mistakes over and over forever. Only the humble become self-aware and learn how to have better lives.
With respect to learning how to have a better relationship, do check out Why Couples Fight.
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This content is brought to you by Mira Kirshenbaum.
Photo: Shutterstock