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Allison and Tommy were both hanging out in the kitchen waiting for dinner to finish cooking.
While Allison stood in front of the stove, she was telling Tommy about a political situation she was dealing with at her job. She was hoping for some sympathy as well as a suggestion about how to handle it. When she turned around, she noticed that Tommy was on his smartphone, staring intently at something on the screen.
“Anyway,” Allison said, “I was really hoping you would have some ideas…”
Tommy glanced up, and said, “okay.”
“So what do you suggest?” Allison asked.
“Hmmm…” Tommy answered. “Can you tell me that again?”
“Sure. What I said is that I came home at lunch, went into your closet, and shredded every piece of clothing you own. It was a great way to let off tension. So I was asking if you want to go shopping this weekend for the new wardrobe you are going to need or if you wanted to do it all from the Internet. I suspect you will just do it all from your phone.”
“What?”
Allison rolled her eyes and sighed. “You didn’t listen to a word I said. I have to admit, you’re good at not listening. You even grunted at the right time. If I hadn’t turned around to look at you, I might have assumed you were hanging onto my every word. But you weren’t.” She shook her head. “Tell me the truth. Am I that boring?”
One of the best ways to honor another person is to actually listen to them when they are speaking.
So, on one hand, you might be thinking: “That’s all I have to do?”
And on the other hand, you (or your partner) might ask: “So why is listening so hard?”
Think back to the last time you had a conversation with your partner, and ask yourself:
- Was I trying to do something else at the same time they were talking (like surfing or texting)?
- Was I listening selectively and tuning out what I didn’t want to hear?
- Was I thinking more about what I was going to say as soon as they paused for a breath?
These are just a few examples of what gets in the way of really listening. And it all comes down to not being fully present, not giving 100% of your attention. Now, we’re all guilty of not always giving our full attention to the person who is talking to us. So if you find yourself zoning out when your partner is talking to you, you are certainly not alone.
We don’t live in a world that exactly supports listening. We are surrounded by constant distractions and rewarded for multitasking. The result is that we have become accustomed to focusing our attention in multiple directions at the same time (generally unsuccessfully). It’s not easy to quiet our noisy minds and focus on a single conversation. On an especially stressful day, it can feel impossible.
Not Listening Has an Impact on Relationships
But think about the consequences, for your partner, for you, for your relationship. Your partner may feel like what they say isn’t important to you. Or that they’re saying something you aren’t open to hearing. You miss out on hearing something that your partner needs you to know, along with the opportunity to be heard. And not listening, over time, can drive a wedge between you and your partner.
And when your partner has had a rough day, having the opportunity to disclose feelings, and to vent, to know you care enough to want to listen to what they have to say, means a lot. Being listened to contributes your emotional wellness and the emotional wellness of your partner.
Listening is a gift you and your partner can give to each other every day. Here’s how:
Focus! Start by dropping whatever you are doing. Put your smartphone away. Turn the TV volume down. Force your mind away from wherever it has drifted and toward your partner.
Paraphrase. This is a great way both to help keep your mind focused as well as to let your partner know you’re listening. As your partner talks, repeat back what you’re hearing. Not word for word, just the basics. Here’s an example of a paraphrase: “So the day got off to a bad start before you even got to the office. Wow, I didn’t know the traffic was that crazy this morning.” Paraphrasing can also be a good way to check in to make sure you aren’t misunderstanding what your partner is trying to tell you. Paraphrase signals to your partner that you are tuned in to what they’re saying.
Ask questions. Most likely, if you are really listening, a few questions might come up. For example, some additional explanation may be needed, or an important fact may be missing or unclear. Something like, “What time was it when that happened?” or “Who else was there?” Asking questions helps to keep the communication clear. Questioning also helps you to keep focused. It’s also another reminder that you want to understand.
Use body language. Turn your body toward your partner and make eye contact. Uncross your arms. You might also try nodding as they speak to help yourself concentrate. Your body language is a signal that you are giving your full attention. It (almost) goes without saying that your smartphone should not be front and center.
Take notes. Things may come up in a conversation that you will want to follow up on. Like an upcoming appointment or event, or something you need to purchase. If your mind is so full that you are at risk of forgetting, then make a quick note. Your partner will appreciate that this is important enough for you to jog your own memory.
Summarize. Especially if your partner is looking for a response. A summary is essentially a brief overview of what you heard and what your partner is expecting from you in return, e.g. a decision or a suggestion. And if you aren’t sure what your partner needs from you, that would be a great question to ask. “So what you’re saying is…”
And if you can’t listen, be honest. We’re all human. And there are times when, because of the competing pressures of the moment, we just aren’t in a place where we can listen. So when you find yourself in that position, kindly and gently let your partner know and why. And then agree on a time to pick up the conversation again when you are ready to be fully present.
Give the gift of listening! An important building block in a healthy relationship.
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