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At the same time is being glad that the kind of sexual harassment which seems to have been endemic in professions where men typically had power over women, is now being exposed and the men responsible are being called to account, reducing the likelihood that such behaviour will continue in the future, I’ve also been feeling anxious about the reverse sexism which I feel is being expressed in the tide of negative observations about men coming from women in the wake of #metoo and related campaigns.
What’s being written about the pernicious and prevalent level of sexual harassment which has been the backdrop to many women’s professional and personal lives, has been an important learning process for all of us. But consistently describing ‘men’ (by implication ‘all men’) as being responsible for this behaviour, rather than ‘some’ men i.e. the ones the rest of us have heard about, read about and possibly known about, but whose behaviour we have usually reacted to with feelings of shame and anger, or with whatever action we thought was possible and appropriate – is encouraging a distorted and negative view of masculinity which is not a reflection of the reality.
We grew up conditioned to a greater or lesser extent by our predominantly macho culture, and some men have clearly absorbed the belief that the only safe way for them to relate to women is through power and control, rather than equality and intimacy. But I don’t believe this applies to the majority of us – and this is the view of my women friends too. Many men have always tried hard to reject that conditioning, and to be sure that they have not consciously or unconsciously colluded in the oppressive behaviour which has caused so much harm.
I accept that I may have consciously or unconsciously benefited in some ways from living in a male dominated culture — although I would say that these so-called benefits are very mixed blessings, coming as they do with pressure to stay in the ‘man box’ and repress our need for emotional expression or real intimacy with others. It’s harder for men to see the damage done to us by this view of the world this because we’ve been brainwashed into believing that society serves our interests, so we feel ashamed to complain about it and can confuse power and pleasure — a situation which only serves the interests of the (mostly male) authorities in society which dispense that power to us on their terms.
I have noticed a new awareness of gender dynamics in our culture, and what kinds of unconscious sexism I may have harboured. For example, I find myself looking at paintings of nudes from Biblical times onwards with a different perspective, recognising when the intent was to represent women as objects of desire and/or danger for men. And I can more easily see the demonising of the feminine hidden in the Adam and Eve and ‘virgin Mary’ narratives which reoccur in so many forms over the years. I feel this is a positive direction for me to be moving in terms of becoming an ally for women in helping create a society that is safe and fair; exactly the kind of world I want to live in, and want my kids to grow up in
But I worry that the current, albeit understandable, process of women exposing and denigrating ‘men’ won’t contribute to the kind of mutual understanding and bridge building which is needed for this to happen. Hopefully, after a period of exposing the unacceptable attitudes and behaviour of some men, more of us on both sides of the gender divide can trust each other to work together on the basis that most women, and most men, simply want equality and respect for everyone.
The alternative will be a hardening of gender positions, with defensiveness and backlashes on both sides and a renewal of ‘sex wars’ in which we will all be the losers.
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