In the wake of Weinstein, many outmoded male attitudes and behaviours towards women are being hauled out in the open in a way that’s never really happened before. It feels like we are at a turning point on the slow path to achieving true equality and mutual respect between the genders. Although what’s being revealed is shameful and tragic, it’s giving all men a chance to reflect on whether we want to see a change in those seemingly ingrained attitudes and practices of disrespect towards women — and if so, what all of us can do to contribute. Because if we can face up to this responsibility, it presents a real opportunity for us all to move forward with a greater capacity for creating and sharing mutual love and respect – rather than the fear and shame which, I believe, underlies any abusive behaviour.
I’m finding this process of reflection and change is not without challenges.
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This next step in our evolution is not going to be painless and will require much soul searching on the part of men, with a need to deal honestly with any feelings of shame which come up. And hopefully this will be an irreversible part of a process of healing and growth leading to the point where sexual harassment of any kind is universally felt to be as socially unacceptable as drunk-driving or smoking in a car with children – the kind of behaviour which is potentially highly damaging to other people but which our culture historically tolerated or ignored, even though at some level we all knew (or should have known) it was wrong
I’m finding this process of reflection and change is not without challenges. At a recent conference, I saw several women that I’ve known for years as trusted friends and colleagues. My instinct was to give them a hug, and/ or a kiss on the cheek; some kind of physical contact and expression of affection — it’s how we’ve always been with each other and feels right and natural. But with the justifiably pained accusations of women who’d been targeted over the years by Weinstein and his ilk ringing in my ears, I found myself pulling back from making any kind of physical contact, waiting for them to make the first move and shape the nature of any contact, from a fear that my actions might now be misinterpreted as ‘creepy’ or at least, not entirely trustworthy. A bit in the same way that I don’t feel free to pick up my friends’ kids anymore, or give any kids that aren’t mine a hug or a piggyback.
These fears of arousing suspicion or being perceived as doing ‘the wrong thing’ as a man are painful to experience. And while I can understand that they may be a necessary part of making the world a safer place for women, I also find myself wishing that the totally understandable and justifiable outrage and anger being expressed by the women who have been harassed could be accompanied by some positive observations and affirmations about the (hopefully) majority of men they have encountered who have treated them with respect and kindness. Many if not most men are appalled and disgusted by the idea of any kind of threatening behaviour towards a woman, but it feels like all of us are under suspicion because of the bad behaviour of a relative minority.
These fears of arousing suspicion or being perceived as doing ‘the wrong thing’ as a man are painful to experience.
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This seems unfair and inaccurate, but probably the only antidote is for more men to be vocal in condemning any unacceptable behaviour from our counterparts wherever and whenever it occurs, and standing firm in support of women who have experienced it? We have only ourselves to blame if any reluctance to do this gives rise to any suspicion that we condone, or at the very least are not quite sure if we fully condemn such behaviour. So we know what to do – let’s stop any griping about whether it’s ‘fair’ or not, bite the bullet, swallow our shame, get out there and make ourselves heard. Many other men and most women will respect and thank us for it, and in the long run, it will do us all nothing but good in our shared search for respect and love.
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