The headline seemed like clickbait but it was actually true.
That’s right, Reginald Moise murdered Tiarah Poyau for refusing to grind on him at a music festival.
… it is my genuine belief that the majority of men who have grown up in patriarchal societies or have regularly consumed the most popular forms of media are only a few degrees shy of committing violence against women.
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The first and only thought in my head was, “Damn, that’s violent!” He is the embodiment of the ultimate dangers of toxic masculinity. He is a special kind of beast that sits at the intersection of male entitlement, misogyny, possible mental illness, and possibly even internalized racism. Yes, we could call him a monster. But, I’d rather call him what he is…just a man. Hell, on a regular day, he might have even called himself a “good man.”
Not too many will like this generalization, but it is my genuine belief that the majority of men who have grown up in patriarchal societies or have regularly consumed the most popular forms of media are only a few degrees shy of committing violence against women. All it takes is the “right” conditions: enough stress, anger, disillusioned reality, access to a gun, alcohol, sustained loneliness, or a lack of belonging.
If you’re conscious of the regular diet of violence against women that young men in their twenties, like Reginald, are fed then pulling that trigger was an expected outcome caused by a lifetime of conditioning.
In between the unprecedented access to and rise of hardcore pornography,
… the hypersexualization of the black female boy in nearly every facet of entertainment,
… the reinforced entitlement to female bodies for heterosexual males through the addiction of Hollywood to the token Guy-Gets-The-Girl by the end of the action-packet plotline,
… the aggressive repression of femininity young males are coerced into accepting,
… the saturation of male superhero bodies jacked by steroid or unrealistic diets and workout regimes,
… or the proliferation of men in video games, music videos, and films that get what they want by engaging in spontaneous sprees of gun violence…
In between all that violence, I feel mighty comfortable saying the average, modern man is walking around with…a monster. We’ve all got our Jekyll and Hyde. We are walking, breathing mines ready to detonate years of internalized violence. Most of us have been fed a regular diet of violent conditioning ready to be activated by empowered women who own their bodies. Yes, in this light, to be a man is to be violent. Thus, I argue that to be a good man is to adopt a traitorous identity. Yes, to be a good man is to be a…traitor.
We all know our society did not prepare us to co-exist peacefully in this world with ourselves, our partners, and our environment. Indeed, it did the opposite.
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Yet, even in adopting that traitorous identity, we aren’t perfect. Like liberal white folk who think they’ve somehow managed to shed 5 centuries of white supremacy, there just ain’t no such thing as a good man. Only a traitor who is undoing internalized violence at a faster rate than he releases it. Yes, raising your daughter helps, learning to love your partner helps, coaching little league helps, and reading two or three feminist articles a few times helps. But you’re still just a man. In one lifetime, you can’t possible undo millennia of privilege and systemically giving advantages to one form of gender expression.
This site is called “The Good Men Project” but I often get comments on this website that highlight the same violent tendencies of “bad” men. “Good Men” who are quick to dodge the burden of change that lie on men to address sexism, misogyny, and patriarchy by invoking misandry (the dislike of or contempt for men). These comments reinforce that the road to anti-oppression is paved with inconsistencies and hypocrisies that are inescapable. Yes, on my most cynical days, I like to believe that there is no such thing as a good man. Only better liars and foolish women (or men). I don’t always believe that but, I think, at some point, most boys or guys decide to own up to something they know deep down to be true.
We all know our society did not prepare us to co-exist peacefully in this world with ourselves, our partners, and our environment. Indeed, it did the opposite. We were born into a society that not only predicated men as legitimate subjects of violence but also granted us as status as the rightful operators of its varying tools. Only through humility, vulnerability and radical truth can we stay on the path of healing and adopting new, healthier, peaceful, and more loving traitorous identities.
Face the violent monster within. Be a traitor.
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Photo: Getty Images
Soooo, my wife and daughter were in incredible danger last night because I had a couple beers with dinner and own shotguns?
Did you know that gun owners are far LESS likely to commit violent crimes?
Just when you think you’ve seen it all along comes someone with little to no grasp on reality.
And as Australian Jim Jefferies pointed out there is an 80% more likely that the gun owner will turn the gun on himself/herself than using the gun on someone else..
Just read an article about a woman, when finding her boyfriend riding his bike along to road, gunned her car and ran him down because he confessed to her that he had contracted aides. Saw another where a woman tried to bury her stiletto heel in an innocent man’s skull because she thought his jacket was outdated. Read a new article where a woman kidnapped a pregnant woman and cut her child out of her belly, because she thought she should have it. Seen one where a woman ran her boyfriend over, then backed up several times and did it… Read more »
Honestly, reading these comments are so disappointing. And they just prove your point. Thank you for the article.
Why are they disappointing? The author is clearly making an unfounded generalization about a gender as a group and the comments are calling them out on it. Look, if we’re wanting equality then unfounded generalizations, insults, and unwarranted violence against men should be fought against at every turn just as we fight against violence and misogynistic assumptions towards women.
Yeah, that’s right administrators, pull my response again even though it didn’t insult anybody and was polite as possible. Just goes to show it’s a waste of time participating in these threads.
Do you know what a kafkatrap is? At its simplest, the Kafkatrap states that any attempt to defend against an accusation is proof of the accusation.
You have set up a kafkatrap. fortunately your opinion of men means precisely squat and the rest of us are free to ignore you.
Are ya talking about that ridiculous “White Fragility” piece by Robin Deangelo? Or are they up to it again?
What point would that be, that it is ok to attack an entire subgroup of people based upon hyperbolic and conjectural assumption taught by a specific hate group who’s teaching parallels that of the klan, the neo-nazi? Would this guy feel so if some white guy attacked all black people even in light of the fact that 13% of them commit 55% of the murders in this country? Do we indict all black people, comment that there are no good black people? As a black man, would he accept that generalization of all black people, or would he call it… Read more »
Sorry but I can’t take your opinion seriously. If “normal” men are just ready to snap at any moment, the streets would never be safe for any to walk.
I’ve been rejected by women dozens if not hundreds of times and that’s just getting the first date. Certainly 100s of times if you count within the context of a relationship. If normal men killed women for rejecting them, there would be no women left in the world.
The fishermen around here, in answer to the shark hysteria, have often stated that if sharks had a taste for us no human would be able to ever dip a toe in the water. Same with men. Why? Blame is easy, and when counter thought is repressed, and censored, it grows exponentially (not unlike those sharks and a feeding frenzy). Though there are those that resent GMP for printing such articles, the reason that it is the conversation that no one else is having is because the comments, critiques, and even that rhetorical ass-kicking’s that I’ve laid upon this author… Read more »
Eeeh…Dafuq is this?
I’m a woman and a survivor of sexual assault. When I hear all this manichean, simplistic and cynical junk, I’m reminded of my most depressive and painful days. I have been there and I don’t want to go back.
What I like about the Good Men Project is their whole approach about sexism not being about men vs. women, but men and women vs. sexism…and you call non-sexist men “traitors” as if this was a childish us vs. them thing!
Wow, what a self-fulfilling prophecy. I live with this all the time. I consider myself a good man, and I’ve never treated women as anything other than respected equals. But whenever I do (basically always), it never fails to be met with suspicion. Like everything I do has an ulterior motive behind it, simply because I’m a man, and a short, unattractive, somewhat scrawny one at that. Of course, being nice must be my ‘tactic’ to get women to…I dunno, sleep with me or something, right? It has nothing to do with me just being the helpful, thoughtful person I… Read more »
Thank you for your opinion. I am a good man. I do not seek your approval. I have no plans to conform to your expectations.
This article implies no expectations. You’re just an evil monster because of how you were born, and nothing you could ever do will change that. Ugh!
Studies show 70% of DV against women is started by women. Women do not respect men’s limits, women or man want full power and are unable to negotiate properly and then arguments turn physical. This is not hatred of women. That is a feminist troupe to blame men for conflicts.
Notice that when women attack men its no concern but as soon as men attack women, even in retaliation or self defense, THEN its a major issue.
The problem is that there is a concerted effort to muddy the waters so that any man hitting a woman for any reason is filed under, “Thinks women are his property and he needs to hit them to keep them in line.”
For a movement that is worried about “historical context” feminism sure as hell loves removing context when it suits the ideology.
I am concerned about patriarchy! Where is there a place that is NOT patriarchy? Young boys in pre-K are hyper-active and restless. The male is physical and women should respect that. A toxic female triggers toxic men and visa versa. We have serious gender issues when people buy into toxic masculinity and only the man’s problem.
Given the fact that the majority of kids are being raised by single mothers, perhaps you could shed some light as to how this may affect today’s boys/men?
Positively. One of their parents is gone for whatever reason, but one parent is around to love them and raise them. Time to praise and support all single parents and not blame and demonize them for sticking around to do the hard work while the absent parent gets a free pass. Boys raised by single parents, if anyone feels like looking up the research, are very empathetic and understand what their parent has gone through to raise them.
You keep mentioning “single parents” as though the “father” being a single parent is a norm. My wife was virtually raised by a single parent (mom) with the help of an aunt. Her mom ruled with an iron fist and although they (her and her brother) could have easily been drawn into negativity ie gangs, she pushed for a good education. That was 50+ years ago. It’s not that way these days. When are women (moms) going to start to take responsibility for how these kids are turning out. Even when men aren’t present, they’re still blamed.
Ninety percent of our most violent criminals in our prisons today are the product of the single parent female head of household. The data that is out their is conclusive, that children raised in such an environment are at the greatest risk, and represent to most glaring social issues. That is not to say that there are moms out there that can’t do it, that have not done it, but the odds are stacked against them. Either way, that is not the issue here. The issue is this authors absorption of radical, gender feminist thought to the point that his… Read more »
Of course not. We live in a paradox where women are unfairly burdened with the lion’s share of child care but have no influence on how the child turns out. My best guess is that somehow despite mothers doing all this child care something comes in and influences kids and feeds them this “regular diet of violence against women” behind mothers backs.
… it is my genuine belief that the majority of men who have grown up in patriarchal societies or have regularly consumed the most popular forms of media are only a few degrees shy of committing violence against women.” You do realize that the Muslim community is highly representative of a patriarchal society, yes?
Ahh, Tom. That violence against women of course in that culture will vanish the minute they set foot on our sacred shores. Can we all hug now and sing kumbaya?
Studies have proven over and over again that: porn will not make someone rape, violent movies is not making people violent, violent video games makes boys violent or heavy rock makes kids commit suicide. There are failed pop social pshchology promoted mostly by feminism
Well, our Christian society is still a highly patriarchal society especially in the Southern Baptist and Mormon community. Back in Colonial America, you had laws on the books that stated that women were property and those laws were still on the books even when America got its independence.
Really? Women were property in the United States? Do tell me how much a man could sell his wife for?
Well stated, 8ball. Never happened, no different than the “rule of thumb” was the measure of the size of the switch that a man could beat his wife with. Warren Farrell covered this nicely when we were speaking of women as men’s slaves. He asked, in what society does the master work for the slave, open doors for the slave, pay the slave’s way, and fight wars to defend the slave, go down with the ship to preserve the life of the slave? In what society was the master flogged in public for hitting the slave? In what society is… Read more »
“Again, that is not to attack, or to marginalize women. I don’t go there, love women, and I don’t play the gender game, but for fuck’s sake, how long and often do I have to keep mentioning this shit as a defense of men? LOL”
Probably till the day you died.
Asks a Colonial American historian that question or look it up yourself.
Colonial times?
Funny because in the little bit of looking up myself I did I only find references to it happening:
In late 17th century England and was used an end run around laws forbidding divorce, not a literal sale.
In the last 1700s in South Carolina it done there but again it was an end run around law forbidding divorce or to pay off her pre wedding debts.
No actual laws on the books that allowed or supported men selling their wives.
All other things I could find on this were referring to the actual slave trade.
Well congratulations on doing your homework. LOL
Well, our Christian society is still a highly patriarchal society especially in the Southern Baptist and Mormon community. Christianity isn’t exactly the national religion in the US so at best you are still talking about portions of the US. Back in Colonial America, you had laws on the books that stated that women were property and those laws were still on the books even when America got its independence. But are they still on the books now? No so while I think its important to acknowledge that those things happened we can’t afford to act as if they are still… Read more »
Well, you still have some religious groups that would like the make Christianity the national religion of the USA and would like to return women to be subject to their Christian husbands if they had their way.
Still a far cry from making the Bible the official law of the land where everything from the Bible gets put on the law books. A few religious groups wanting Christianity to be the national religion is nowhere near close to actual nations that actually have a national religion where the holy book is literal law.
But let me ask, exactly which groups would want this?
It made be a far cry but that will not stop them from trying. Try Southern Baptists or guys like Pat Robinson who wants it or far right wing Republicans.
And they are relegated to the nether regions of obscurity. Nobody, save their ardent followers, pay them respect or attention. The days of the hard right-wing evangelical Republican taken seriously are gone. Now its extreme regressive leftists pining for a scapegoat. Unfortunately, we can’t point that out otherwise we’re charged with every “ist” in the book.
The right wing evangelical Repulicans are not gone; otherwise, their TV and radio stations would have been sold off a long time ago. Whar regressive leftists? Leftists have never been given a chance to become regressive in positions of power.