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As the foreign students posed in front of me, I did my best to bring out their personalities for this corporate video and photo shoot I was leading.
Give the peace sign!
Put your hands on your hips!
Cross your arms!
All of the instructions I gave with the intention of enabling the students to relax and have fun. The men I had filmed were all willing, if slightly awkward, to make silly poses for the camera. They were followed by a group of three women. My instructions were similar until they weren’t.
Blow kisses to the camera!
Like an ear-splitting buzzer on a game show, what I had said felt very wrong. Why hadn’t I asked the men to blow kisses to the camera? In my head I heard the refrain:
Boys should be strong and girls should be beautiful.
The criticism of the way the media depicts gender wasn’t just something I was reading about, it was something I was inadvertently contributing to. By encouraging the women to behave in a more stereotypical feminine manner, I was fostering established stereotypes in representation. In times without significant forethought, it can be easy to default to some preconceived notions or behaviors. Just as I did.
The women had barely finished blowing a kiss before I was already compensating, asking them to flex for the camera, show their strength. While nobody complained, I was disappointed in myself.
One of the fascinating results of the #MeToo movement is the broader examination of the way men interact with women. We are no longer talking just about sexual abuse and power dynamics by titans of billion-dollar industries. We are discussing the smaller, previously overlooked interactions from daily life.
Closer attention is being paid to the words and actions of men. This makes some men feel like they are suddenly living under a microscope, every behavior flagged for inspection and dissection. I don’t share that sentiment. I look at it as an opportunity to increase the caliber of who I am. And let me not try to fool anybody, I have a long way to go. Evaluating my own present and past behavior has become a regular activity of varying disappointment. Sometimes, as in the case of the photo shoot, I will be lucky enough to understand the impact of my actions immediately as opposed to at some point in the distant future.
What I think is most important is that even small mistakes are important to review. It is not about the gravity of the mistake, but the acknowledgment of it. This movement, shit shift in our culture, isn’t just about the people who have abused their power to ruin careers or assault women, it is about a greater awareness of how we all behave.
While large-scale changes are needed, small changes are feasible for all of us. It is our responsibility to make those small changes positive. Part of that means being honest with ourselves when our views are outdated, inaccurate or just wrong.
And we aren’t always quick to admit fault in our culture. We dig in, we put our backs against the wall, we argue until our opponent gives up. A behavior that results largely from fear and insecurity. We must be right otherwise… what? Will be chastised? Cast out?
There is nothing wrong with admitting mistakes. It is a part of the human condition and how we learn. Apologizing for those mistakes is how we move forward together. To pretend we are infallible is to ignore opportunities for growth and improvement across the board. We must be honest with ourselves so we can be honest with others.
It means paying attention to how we treat all genders and enabling everybody to feel empowered to represent themselves as they so choose.
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Photo by nappy from Pexels