LeBron or K.G.? Who do we dislike less? Good Men Picks takes its first hack at the NBA.
The biggest development of Super Bowl weekend was Good Men Picks correctly picking the game. In another secret column, we actually picked the correct outcome of every single play during the game, but refrained from publishing because it was over 80,000 words long. So, taking that into account, our record is now 5,016-20 … give or take 5,000 wins.
Now, we say goodbye to the NFL—for a while—and immerse ourselves in the NBA. We considered going with the Wizards-Cavaliers Toilet Bowl, but that was too depressing. So we’re going with the Heat-Celtics game on Sunday afternoon, which could be just as depressing if you’re not from Boston or Miami.
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If I was writing this from a biased point of view—which, again, I am clearly not doing—it would be really hard to decide, because I strongly dislike both of these teams. Even though I went to school in Massachusetts, I didn’t meet a Celtics fan until they traded for Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett.
And Heat fans are even worse. There’s a nice little stat that puts this joke of a franchise into perspective:
Miami has retired two numbers in its brief history. Take a guess …
Alonzo Mourning? No.
Tim Hardaway? Try again.
Bimbo Coles? Unfortunately not. The two retired numbers are …
13 and 23.
Dan Marino and Michael Jordan.
A football player and a basketball player who never played for Miami.
Which makes complete sense until … actually, no. It makes absolutely no sense.
I’m trying to cut down on the number of readers who barf while reading this column, so I’m gonna stay away from all of that LeBron nonsense. But I will say one thing. He’s actually turned out to be an awful teammate and a completely selfish jerk on the court.
Seriously? Is it really worth two points to slam a ball into your teammate’s face, potentially concuss and surely humiliate him in front of the 16 Heat fans that are actually paying attention to the game?
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But then there’s Kevin Garnett. Lately, he’s displayed an affinity for touching the crotchal regions of his opponents. Sure, I’ll admit it, I wasn’t above the occasional ball shot when I played soccer. But then again, I was a 5-foot-8, 150-pound pipsqueak who had to figure his way around corner kicks and balls in the air. Kevin Garnett is a 6-foot-11, 235-pound freak of an athlete. No excuses.
(Side note: One day I will write one of these without talking about soccer. I promise.)
First, Garnett gave Channing Frye a little love tap-tap-taparoo to the family jewels:
And then this. Be happy you can’t jump high enough to ever get elbowed in between the legs by a 7-footer. You are a sick, sick man, K.G.
Also, a few weeks back, a Lakers ball boy asked Mr. Garnett for his autograph, to which he responded, “You’ve got a better chance of catching bin Laden.” Here’s to that kid dedicating his life to detaining Osama bin Laden and proving K.G. wrong. Also, it’s not like autographs are worth that much anymore, buddy.
On top of that, the Celtics have begun mining their players’ organs for draft picks and future considerations.
No matter how hard I try, I just can’t bring myself to support that. We’re going with the Heat. I will now go light myself on fire.
—Photo nbacardDOTnet/Flickr; Chuck Burton/AP
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KG is dirty. Yes. But so what? He’s the reason the Celtics won in 2008. The hustle and all out intensity he brings on a daily basis makes him well worth the occasional sac-tap. Sports is filled with dirty pool. You ever hear about what happens at the bottom of the pile in football after a fumble? Biting, scratching, ball grabbing, dick-twisting…it’s all good. And that’s considered “part of the game.” Yet people get all over KG for trying to gain what Bill Belichick would call a “competitive advantage.” Strap on a pair already. By the way, the Celtics beat… Read more »
Celts won (of course). D Wade tried to body block KG to the ground…hmmmm.
every time I read your articles,which will give me a surprise! the articles are always helpful for me!
“Even though I went to school in Massachusetts, I didn’t meet a Celtics fan until they traded for Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett.” – Not sure where you went to school, but I am glad I didn’t go there. There are a lot of real fans around. I would love for you to venture into South Boston and run that theory by a couple people. Sit down low at a C’s game, any game, and watch KG. That is all I am going to say. 14 consecutive All Star games. The guy is one of the all time greats. No… Read more »
KG is hands down the dirtiest player in the NBA. The only way anyone cannot see this is if they are too blinded by the bias they have for the Celtics. What kind of man “sack taps” a fellow player in the middle of a jump shot? I will answer that for you, a scumbag. Yes he may play the game harder than most and he may be a great leader, I have no problem agreeing with that. I just cannot see how this can possibly matter when he continues to pull childish, immature and downright dirty plays game in… Read more »
Ryan, I am going to need to make this little interchange public. WHAT ARE YOU TOTALLY HIGH? KG is one of the class acts in the NBA. He has single-handedly brought Celtic pride back. Through selfish and dirty play? No through hard-nosed TEAM defense. Go to a Celtics game and listen closely to what is happening on the floor. They have a coach alright but it isn’t Doc. KG isn’t above grabbing one of his own players by the neck and using some language not fit for the GMP audience to let them know when they aren’t making the right… Read more »
This was almost funny, no, almost laughable. No it’s not. What it is: terribly written stream of consciousness blather. Next time – get a premise, develop the premise, analyse the premise, come to a point worth making. Maybe after you start shaving.
Great, Bob! Thanks for all the helpful writing tips.
Do you have any shaving advice? I can’t seem to get past my jawbone without cutting the skin.