Subjective, moralistic fandom is the arbiter of Super Bowl XLV’s results.
Yep, we’re finally here. It’s the 13th anniversary of Good Men Picks!
Oh, and it’s the Super Bowl.
We’re 15-20 going into this one after a stellar 2-0 week—our first undefeated week that didn’t involve only picking one game. Buoyed by that success, we’ll be sticking with tennis from now on, week in and week out. This week, though, I received enough imaginary letters of fan mail to persuade me to write about football one last time. My personal favorite:
Greetings. I’ve never actually seen you, but I can tell from your writing that you’re a beautiful man. Your words make me cry. And your punctuation makes me want to make something of my life. You, truly, are an inspiration to humanity. But you have to write about football this week or I will kill you.
So, this week we’re gonna give the big game the good old piece-by-piece breakdown. Five sections. Five picks. One winner. Math makes my head hurt.
It’s a matchup between a two-time Super Bowl winner on the verge of football immortality and a hot new upstart fighting off the shadow of another immortal. On the one hand …
Who the hell am I kidding? We’re not going with Ben. Rodgers all the way.
(side note: Thanks to The Onion for Ben’s new nickname: “That’s My Sister, You Fucking Asshole.”)
Star Defensive Player Whose Hair Makes Him Look Utterly Effeminate, But Would Literally Rip Your Face Off if You Ever Told Him He Looked Cute
Clay Matthews seems like a pretty good guy. He’s definitely one of the nicest ponytailed guys I’ve ever seen. You just can’t trust a guy with a ponytail. Like, why do you have one? A shaved head would be a lot easier to deal with, right? It’s not like it looks good, and it still takes no effort. There’s usually some kind of ulterior motive going on when a guy’s got a ponytail. My uncle is the only trustworthy guy with a ponytail I’ve ever met.
But Clay does those commercials for Duchenne muscular dystrophy. And he just seems sincere. I’m beginning to trust him, despite the hair.
Troy Polamalu, on the other hand, talks smack about soccer and expects me to pick him? Oh, sorry, Troy. We don’t wear pads because the object of our game is something other than killing the opponent. Oh, and sorry that we have to play for longer than four seconds at a time. Maybe at halftime we’ll all just line up at midfield and head-butt each other at five-second intervals to make up for lost time. Have fun being locked out.
OK, that last line was a bit much. I take it back. I love football, but there was no reason to get soccer involved, Troy. Stuff like this still happens in games:
Unfortunately, it’s just not the object of the sport. We’re going with Matthews. If you find me face-down in a ditch somewhere Monday morning, you’ll know why. Check my body for long black hairs.
Other Star Defensive Player Who Looks Less Like a Woman From Behind
Charles Woodson won the Heisman—the most celebrated award in sports that no one really cares about. That’s good for him, but that’s such a stupid trophy anyway. Try to do the Heisman move in a game and see what happens. You’ll be in a sling for a couple weeks. He’s been to a bunch of Pro Bowls and will probably end up in the Hall of Fame, but he doesn’t want to go away without a ring. They’re even reporting on that in Vancouver, which means the story has finally been beaten completely to death.
Woodson also called out President Obama for not coming to the game. We definitely don’t talk about politics enough, so I’m glad someone found a way to tie it in with sports. And Woodson’s demand makes a lot of sense—until you consider that’s it’s just a damn football game!
I’ll be honest. I’m really not sure what’s going on with James Harrison. He’s really brooding and soft-spoken for a guy who’s chalked up more money in fines than I’ve had in my entire life. Which is really depressing, but that’s neither here nor there. He does acupuncture. And he blatantly doesn’t care about the NFL and commissioner Roger Goodell. Behind Al Davis, he’s the scariest dude in the NFL. I cry when I think of him, and that’s making it really hard for me to write this right now. Damn you, James! Damn you!
Woodson, you are the pick.
Random Other Defensive Player Who Either Has a Crusty Beard That Could Eat a Small Rodent or Whose Stomach Is Massive Enough to Fit an Entire Pigmy Village Inside of It:
Since the Jets never win the Super Bowl, I have two favorite things about football. One: watching a fat guy such as B.J. Raji recover a fumble or intercept a pass and try to run it back for a touchdown. And two: watching those fat guys score and then celebrate. It just makes me happy. And why else would I watch football, if not to be happy? Seriously, why?
You’ve seen Brett Keisel’s beard, but you probably haven’t seen Brett Keisel. There’s actually a human man attached to that thing and he plays defense for the Steelers. Almost all questions directed at Keisel on media day were about his beard. The New York Times even ran a piece about the facial thicket, where they quoted Jack Passion, “the country’s only full-time professional beard grower,” who said of Keisel’s beard, “It is real and it is raw and it is healthy. It is like the coat of a wolf.”
There’s a Facebook page with 20,000 fans dedicated to the beard, a website, and even a song. But what about Keisel himself? He’s literally and figuratively been lost behind the shroud of his facial hair.
Oh, wait. He’s best friends with Ben Roethlisberger? No wonder why he tries to hide his face.
B.J., please keep on dancing, you are the pick.
Let me get this out of the way. I friggin’ love cheese. It’s not often I say that, and I feel bad about it. I eat a lot of cheese without even realizing it. And that’s the food’s understated greatness. It doesn’t need to be noticed, but it’s always there. When it’s not, you’re just like, “Hey, this tastes like crap. Get me some damn cheese!” Am I right? Anyway, it makes me happy to see a bunch of fans who wear wedges of cheese on their heads. It makes me smile … and really want cheese.
But here’s where I’m at with Pittsburgh fans. They’ve enjoyed way too much success, yet they’ve somehow managed to not become completely insufferable like, um, these turds. So, congrats, guys. We’re going with the Steelers here.
Unfortunately, that is not enough for Pittsburgh. Good Men Picks is officially endorsing the Green Bay Packers to win Super Bowl XLV. NFL, we’ll see you in September … hopefully.