Alexander Young went to Los Angeles for NBA All-Star Weekend. He brought his camera. Here’s what happened.
For the Celebrity Game, the coaches for the East were NBA legend Bill Walton, Internet legend Bill Simmons, and Seinfeld legend Jason Alexander. When they stood next to each other, their descending heights made them look like an inside-out matryoshka doll.
Around the time of his introduction, it was settled that Justin Bieber would be the MVP of this game no matter what. But to his credit, he was knocking down NBA-range three-point shots with regularity in the pre-game.
Common was the de-facto point guard for the East. Here he is dropping a dime to Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan. Common handled the point well, aside from being crossed over by the Bieb.
A jovial Michael Rappaport boogies down with the dancers at halftime. This is when I’d normally rummage for food, but considering that I had clandestinely moved up about $300 in seats, I stayed put.
Rappaport makes a low-flying foray to the basket as A.C. Green and Justin Beiber watch helplessly. If I asked you whether either Beiber (age 16) or Green (47) was a virgin, your answer would probably be wrong.
Of all the star power amassed for this game, I was most impressed by the inclusion of Arne Duncan, the US Secretary of Education. Great message sent by the NBA. He’s a pretty good player, too.
Romeo Miller seemed to be under the impression that this was his NBA tryout (his father did the same thing during MTV’s Rock N Jock games, but that just earned him a spot on the Fort Wayne Fury of the CBA). He attempted at least four dunks (one earned him a clothesline from Jason Sudeikis) before finally deciding to settle for layups.
After the Celebrity Game, I tasted the greatness that is El Tepeyac Cafe.
I saw a guy who I think used to be on The Real World or Road Rules get punched out by a homeless guy.
I also visited Venice Beach, which has basically become “Gomorrah on the Water.”
Next: Paul Pierce, Serge Ibaka, and Kevin Durant
Between two days of (relatively) torrential downpour in L.A. for All-Star Weekend and a winter wonderland that maimed people in Dallas during the Super Bowl, one thing is pretty clear: God hates big sporting events in 2011.
Captured: the rare jumbotron segue between Puffy and Shaq. Seriously, this could be from any NBA Dunk Contest from 1997 to today.
The current NBA points-per-game leader, Kevin Durant, flamed out in the three-point contest. His paltry 33.8 percent shooting from behind the arc should make that no surprise.
Paul Pierce, one of the least subtle players in the NBA, celebrates after his final money ball ensured his entrance into the finals. Pierce, who has been in roughly 1 billion three-point contests, is an L.A.-born Boston Celtic, so the hometown boos that rained down on him (including from my New Yorker self) probably served as motivation.
The newly minted all-time career three-point leader, Ray Allen, strolls to the starting line. With he and Pierce comprising two-thirds of the final round, the odds looked good for Boston.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be for those unable to pronounce the letter R. A new king was crowned: understated Miami Heat shooter James Jones took the title.
During the intermission, I ran into TNT’s own Craig Sager. Much to my surprise, his suit did not destroy my camera.
Serge Ibaka’s dunk from (behind!) the foul line was probably the dunk of the night, so, naturally, he didn’t advance past the first round.
This child just happened to wander onto the court with this sob story: “My stuffed animal is stuck on the rim, Serge Ibaka, do you mind grabbing it with your teeth while dunking a basketball?” Why do these problems only pop up during NBA dunk contests?
Serge obliged, envisioned the stuffed animal as Josh Smith, and the crisis was averted.
Next: JaVale McGee, Blake Griffin, Terrell Owens … and Bill Walton
For his first dunk in the final round, JaVale McGee dunked three basketballs, which is amazing until you consider the he’s over seven feet tall, his dad was in the NBA, and he is the first son of a WNBA player to play in the NBA. Then you figure its just the natural evolution of things.
My entry to the dunk contest: a one-handed nacho dunk while taking photos. My reward: a one-notch belt adjustment in the wrong direction.
Blake Griffin’s first entry to the final round was a page out of Vince Carter’s book: the elbow through the rim jam. You know time is flying when the year 2000 is “old school.”
Blake’s final entry was a dunk over the hood of a Kia. Basketball purists like myself were disappointed (why not over the roof of the car, or jumping the car lengthwise?). But since the contest was decided by the crowd texting in votes, the only way Blake wasn’t winning the contest was if Justin Bieber was the fifth contestant. Also ironic: Kia is the sponsor of the NBA. Exactly 0.0000 percent of NBA players actually drive a Kia.
And it wouldn’t be All-Star Weekend without some crowd sightings. Here’s Bill Walton conferring with some green guy.
Terrell Owens looks exhausted after the Dunk Contest, while NBA rebounding leader, Kevin Love, looks lost.
Yi Jianlin, the Chinese government’s best shot at basketball now that Yao Ming’s bones have proven to be as tough as a Fabergé egg.
The best custom play-on-words jersey I saw all night. I can only assume this fellow was in DeMar DeRozan’s entourage, because DeMar is from Compton, plays on the Raptors, and there were four guys together, wearing the same jersey.
Future former Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton.
After the game I was forced to get a taco from a truck down the street since, apparently, all the Downtown Dog vendors who usually serve outside the Staples Center were rounded up and killed by David Stern before All-Star weekend. It’s basically what FIFA did to the food vendors in South Africa before the World Cup this summer.
