Do you really
think testicles have
anything to do
Over a year ago I wrote an essay for xoJane about a strange court case in Italy, where the judge determined that Vittorio V. Alberto had been slandered when another man accused him of having “no balls”.
According to Judge Maurizo Fumo, “…The expression definitely…has an injurious quality. It refers not only to the target’s lack of virility, but also to his weakness of character, lack of determination, competence and coherence — virtues that, rightly or wrongly, are still identified as pertaining to the male gender.”
In my post, I called bullshit on this—arguing that not only was it wrong to associate those qualities to any one gender, but it was ridiculous to assert that they had anything to do with testicles.
I decided to attempt to fight against this ridiculous idea by asking everyone to cease associating virtues like bravery and boldness to male reproductive organs by asking everyone to say “nipples” when they would normal say “balls”, which I felt was much more fair and inclusive.
Clearly, it didn’t take. So I thought I’d try it again and offer up five more alternatives:
Usage: “Wow, it takes a lot of appendix to get away with talking to me like that!”
Pros: “-dix” kinda sounds like “dicks”, which should be enough to keep grumbly traditionalists happy. The fact that it serves no real purpose in the body makes it easy to assign nonsensical meaning to it.
Usage: “Can you believe the knees on that jerk?”
Pros: Everyone has two knees, so they can refer to them in the plural, like we’re all used to.
Cons: “Gonna grab them by the knees!” just doesn’t sound as threatening.
3. Nose Hair
Usage: “I don’t think you have the nose hair it would take for you to do that!”
Pros: People with long, hard to trim nose hairs would now have something to be proud about.
Usage: “I’m gonna cut his taint off!”
Pros: It’s a really fun word to say!
Cons: Almost too fun. Hard not to giggle.
Usage: “I really admire your pinkies. I wish I could get away with that!”
Pros: Reminds people of a popular My Little Pony character.
None of these strike me as perfect as nipples, but I accept that I might be the wrong person for this job, so I’m deputizing you all to offer up your own alternatives.
What body part do you think we should randomly associate with “determination, competence and coherence”?
Photo Credit: Sam Howzit