The fairy tales’ flawed messages of romance swing both ways.
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The vast majority of us grew up watching Disney movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, and the like. And most of us probably have fond memories of them. There was something dazzling about the enchantment and magic of these movies. The story lines were also great for us children. We loved to see the damsel in distress get rescued by the prince—all it took to bring her back to life was the magic of true love’s kiss. But that’s when we were kids.
Now that we’re older we recognize these weren’t exactly exemplary messages. Most people recognize that the Princesses aren’t exactly great examples of strong, confident, independent women. But what people don’t recognize are the many bad messages they gives to boys about being men and husbands. Little boys watch these movies too, and just as the girls are getting messages about love and marriage so are the boys.
Men aren’t simply for marrying and making their wife’s dreams comes true. Wives who think this are selfish.
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As a marriage counselor in Westminster, CO I see problems all the time that come from incorrect assumptions about marriage such as the ones in the Princess movies. It’s helpful for men and for women to identify all the many ideas they harbor about men in marriage that are doing more harm than good.
Why The Disney Princesses are Bad for Men
Perhaps the worst part for men about the Princess movies are how the men are objectified. Everyone knows that women are objectified by men through their physical appearance, but men are just as objectified by women—they just do it differently. Instead of physical appearance, women objectify men by the way men make them feel. They want a man who sweeps them off their feet, gives them love, passion, and rescues them from any danger. It doesn’t matter who the man is or what his hobbies are—as long as the man treats them like a princess.
Prince Charming is a great example of objectification. The movie doesn’t tell anything about him. In fact, all he ever says is “Wait!” and “I don’t even know your name.” He’s just a charming, brave and wealthy prince.
Unfortunately, a lot of women think that’s what a man is supposed to be. And they get disappointed when they find out that their man doesn’t fit that mold. He actually is a person with hobbies like woodwork or classic cars, and does not spend his spare time trying to impress/woo his princess.
One of the things that is perhaps the most objectifying about men is the way that the princesses have their happily ever after after they get married—as if it’s the man’s responsibility somehow to give women happily ever after. Yes, spouses should try to help each other achieve happiness, but the movies would lead you think that it’s the man’s responsibility to do this. After all, the damsel didn’t find happiness until after she found a husband.
How The Princesses Give Wrong Messages about Marriage
As a marriage counselor, I see the ways that some of these bad messages have permeated marriages and expectations spouses have. So here are some take home points for men and women that are a stark contrast to what you see in the movies.
1) It’s not a man’s responsibility to make his wife live happily ever after. Happily ever after is when both spouses work together towards love and respect and help each other fulfill each other’s dreams. If one spouse isn’t happy, it’s not automatically the other one’s fault.
2) Men aren’t always charming. Men have bad days. They have average days, too. Marriages where the man is expected to always be charming and dashing, and sweep his wife off her feet etc. are doomed for failure.
3) Men aren’t always courageous and brave. Some men would rather sit at home and read a good book, or play XBox instead of wrestling dragons or playing sports. Marriages where the husband is expected to meet all the stereotypes of manliness seldom work out because the wife is not seeing or appreciating her husband for who he is. She judges him based on stereotypes (aka objectifies him).
4) Men don’t fix every little problem. In the movies the prince would search every house in the kingdom just so the damsel could get her shoe back. Well, marriages where the man is expected to solve every little problem aren’t good marriages. Good marriages are based on equality where the husband and the wife both use their capacities to solve problems together. Both can do it on their own and often do. They collaborate when necessary but both have equal decision making power – and they both use them.
5) Men aren’t simply for marrying and making their wife’s dreams comes true. Wives who think this are selfish. As a spouse, their husband is supposed to help, but ultimately our individual dreams are ours to accomplish.
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Now that I’m older, I look back and realize how so many people’s expectations of love and marriage have been tainted by these messages we learned when we were little. Little girls look for their Prince Charming’s to fall madly in love with at first sight and live happily ever after. But when they grow older they find out that marriage takes teamwork. It’s not just magically provided by Prince Charming.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I’ve felt like the only sane woman in the room when I push back on these poisonous stereotypes. Thanks for the breath of fresh air! It’s so nice to read that so many others see the problem with rigid and unrealistic gender roles. 🙂
This article resonates big time–thank you.
Early on in my childhood, I was told that the Disney stories were loosely based on old fables or actual books. The point of these stories was entirely different from the ones Disney made and I was either read the other version(s) or hinted them down myself. The impact of the books was significantly richer than the movies. Including the understanding they imparted to me that not all stories have a happy ending and relationships aren’t like the movies. I’ve passed that knowledge on to my kids. It’s a lesson that needs to be taught early and often.
Or maybe you just need to put the right values, and proper way of thinking to your child/children. And stop letting the tv babysit your offspring.
If every caretakers would be giving all the right values, teaching how to think critical and realistically and actually be the rolemodel, articles like this wouldn’t be around no more. It’s getting old, btw. Wonder what will be next, picking boogers is making your child dumber?
Excellent article and I say spot on. However I do not think it is just Disney who is perpetuating this myth. The running joke with me is the storyline for most “action films” where we seem to always kill hundreds if not thousands of innocent people – mostly bystanders – in the name of “saving the girl”. If you tale a serious (albeit cynical) look, the girl doesn’t really have anything to offer other than the fact she is pretty or sexy. And in the end the “hero”, after expending an unbelievable amount of energy / strength / stamina /… Read more »
Google the term “emotional pornography” and learn how unrealistic relationship expectations are being spread through outlets like Disney.
Dang. I thought I had coined that phrase.
I think the worst modern offender in this has to be the Bachelor. My wife is hooked on that stuff, and I keep reminding her to regard it the same way I regard pornography: Entertaining, but shouldn’t inform the relationship. It helps that nearly all the marriages from the Bachelor end within a year.
Very good points that have to be said.
I would just add that there is no reason to put this in the “married men” section. This has a lot to do with gender relationships even beyond a husband/wife scenario. These myths create unrealistic expectations all over society, not just within a marriage.
On the surface I agree with your post… Disney does provide highly unrealistic expectations of love, marriage and romance. However, Disney movies are for entertainment and never meant to be a how-to guide or exemplar for dating and relationships. Same with most media creations. If a grown woman expects her husband to complete her world and fulfill all of her dreams…she is naive and frankly immature. I would tell her to grow up! These are the same women who sit around the campfire {or online forums} b*tching about the unrealistic expectations that men have of women due to porn. Of… Read more »
Thanks Marrie, You’re absolutely right that with sincerity and genuineness in a relationship, your relationship will actually be better than ‘Happily Ever After’. The biggest problem I have as a therapist is getting couples to let down their guard of high expectations of themselves and their spouse and just let themselves shine through for their partner to accept and love.
Great post, really interesting analysis and absolutely agree with what you say about how men are represented in these sorts of films.
I saw something like this happen to a good friend of my fiance’s. This friend, I’ll call him ‘Joe’, spent 10 years of his life with ‘Hilary.’ Hilary was definitely in a princess mind-set. She grew up watching her father spend lavish amounts of time and money on her mother, constantly buying her expensive jewelry and trinkets. The few times I spent with her, it seemed clear to me that for her, a husband was a thing you wanted so that you could be constantly doted on. Joe is an extremely hard-working guy. He has a master’s degree in education,… Read more »
No need to apologize, Emily. Stories like this illustrate my point in the article very well! And you’re absolutely right that sometimes men like to be held and told that everything’s going to be okay, too. In healthy relationships, women fulfill their husband’s emotional needs as much as their husband fulfills theirs.
Great comment Emily. My wife is similar to you and I feel blessed.
“They want a man who sweeps them off their feet, gives them love, passion, and rescues them from any danger….” Excellent article…! I have been watching a few marriages blow up around me….and, yes, the above observations do apply….very close friends of ours have been lying to us about the “charmed life” that they live in their “castle”….the truth is so ugly….the “charming, brave, and wealthy prince” actually is a depressed guy from an abusive childhood with very rigid attitudes about how his family members should behave…and very controlling with regard to his “wealth”….to our faces, the “prince” lies about… Read more »
Great article.
ditto
Ummmm….. OK. But, I still give ‘it’* a shot, although I often get feedback that I’m not making it completely.
* It meaning… making my lady happy, providing the means for food for the pantry, a happy home, holidays, helping to raise children who are well-adjusted and making a positive contribution to society, … I could go on.
Good on ya brindafella! Keep “it” up. None of us are ever making “it” completely. Keep trying and know your limits. Don’t expect to be able to do it all. Ask your lady for help as often as you need. That’s what a partnership is for.
Sorry, I have to jump in here. If I’ve heard the term “help raise the kids” once, I’ve heard it a hundred times. What’s with the “help” raise the kids? I raised my kids with my wife. Take ownership of your role as a dad! I’m not angry about this but it’s as though society truly is looking at dads as an aside, as though they compliment the mother …NO NO NO, dad’s are dad’s and they have their own unique role and responsibility.
Sorry, didn’t mean to sound rude.
I understand what you’re saying here and why you wrote this but I have to tell you that I struggle with it. These Disney movies are entertainment. No more, no less. I’m older then a lot of people who read these articles and I grew up in a time where TV and movies often times depicted gender roles and most movies ended in a fairy tale ending. Those movies didn’t define who I was or who I was going to be. The men/people in my life did that. The number one influence was my dad and the marriage he had… Read more »
Stories we tell each other inform the way we view the world; the stories we tell children are even more potent because their belief systems are still formative. There’s nothing insignificant about entertainment. Culture is founded on story-telling.
These stories have been around for centuries and men could handle it. But when you add the destruction upon men’s lives that feminism has wrought in the past few decades while doing nothing to dispel the idea that if you want to make radical changes to the order of things you CAN’T simultaneously hang on to these quaint old traditional ways (e.g. man must be the one to ask for a date, man must pay, man must open doors, all the way to marriage and these 5 things that you list). It gets all too much to bear sometimes. I… Read more »
In the words of Stephen Sondheim and the voice of Bernadette Peters: “Careful the things you say, Children will listen …”
Unfortunately, Tom, I can’t tell you how many times I see such unrealistic expectations in a relationship as what are portrayed in Disney movies. As a therapist, I see couples with problems like these way too often. It really is prevalent. Whether it’s Disney movies or not, who knows, but I thought it was a great example of a relationship dynamic that is prevalent in our society.
Also, you’re spot on when you say that most relationship lessons are learned from your own parents. Sounds like you had a good dad.
Aaron, you know what? I’m eating crow right now. Although my views of the Disney movies still stand, I will most definitely concur that media (movies and TV shows) did and do influence relationships. It wasn’t until a moment ago that I reflected on my own marriage and the light bulb went off in my head. I wrote an article for GMP about my first year of marriage and how my wife saw herself as a Doris Day character and had unrealistic expectations. Whereas I had a much more realistic view of marriage, she saw things as though it was… Read more »
Interesting article. Thank you for writing it. As a woman, it’s always good to hear a thoughtful male perspective on things.
I noticed you focused on what Disney movies tell girls to believe about boys/men. What about what they tell boys to believe about themselves? Or about girls/women?
Be handsome and rich if you want to get the girl?
I’ll raise Aladdin as a potential counterexample to the latter, but I’d point out that he still becomes a prince in the end.
*cough* Shrek *cough*
Shrek is not Disney. In fact, it lampoons Disney films and theme parks.
For real? I was sure it was Disney….my bad.
Shrek is like Disney spoofing itself…that’s why it’s my favorite Disney franchise!
Great question, Janet! Maybe I’ll do another article on it! I think Disney movies tell men that they are the backbone of a relationship and that they need to be charming, brave, etc. in order to be that backbone. I think they also tell men that, unfortunately, women only need to be able to talk to animals and be pretty and that men are supposed to do the rest in a relationship. Honestly, I think they give men a lot of anxiety about relationships. I think it also tells men to believe that women shouldn’t be self-thinkers or independent and… Read more »
Aaron, Thanks so much for writing this article. As a married woman, I personally believe that men are the backbone of the relationship and while men are certainly not perfect, there is a certain amount of effort that goes into a successful marriage. To be fair, I will add that almost every Disney movie with a prince and princess shows hard work and effort by both parties to earn the happily ever after. I completely disagree that Disney princesses are not required to be self thinkers or be independent. Belle is “Beauty and the Beast” is my favorite example, but… Read more »
Great article, Aaron! The 5 take home points are spot on. I’d like to see your 5 corresponding points for the wives. About this line, ” women objectify men by the way men make them feel” – I have a comment and questions below. First, it didn’t make sense to me when I read it. Both men and women have the ability to cause either bad or good feelings in each other. Especially in a failing marriage, they become pretty adept at *choosing* to make the other feel bad with words and actions. I don’t see how desiring your partner… Read more »
I am a single father and of coarse i watch these movies all the time with my daughter. These movies are fairy tales and that is what they are. I believe they’re are alot of good points to the article, but i feel it is important to let your children know the difference between make believe and imagination. Walt Disney was a man whom truly cared about children and family. Fairy tells have been a part of lifethroughout civilization and it is up to parents to home train , and teach they’re children the difference from truth or fiction, etc.… Read more »
If “it takes a (global) village to raise a child, the storytellers are the villagers that play one of the crucial roles in that upbringing. Perhaps the idea is make sure children receive a broad diet of stories. There are plenty of stories, especially in which men and women are romantically linked and also teammates – even in Disney’s canon – Bedknobs and Broomsticks is the first example that springs to mind. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is another example of romantically linked protagonists that are team mates rather than “sweepers off of the feet”; Rory and Amy in Doctor Who.… Read more »
Right.. the fairy tale is a story. It contains archetypes (king, queen, witch, horse, knight, etc). Every person has all of these archetypes in their psyche. The fairy tale is a story about how these things play against each other.
GoodGuytoGreatMen, There was a lot in there that just can’t be addressed in one reply. I’ll say what I can briefly. First of all, I will very rarely see an individual for couples counseling. Because it’s always both people that need to work on something. If she’s so hardened/angry that she will not accept his gestures to reconcile then she needs to see a therapist, too. And it’s unfair for the other spouse (in this case the husband) to bend over backwards to try to save the marriage. It’s unsustainable and insincere for one spouse to bend over backwards and… Read more »
If you take a look at online dating sites you’ll see a huge number of women’s profiles that present one or more of these wrong messages.
I totally agree!
Insightful post. I don’t think that marriage has a future, but if it does, this kind of thinking will lead the way.
Hi Anthony,
I sure hope marriage has a future. But I think, as you said, this kind of thinking will need to go away in order for it to really be successful. Instead of having silly hopes and dreams that you hope your partner will fulfill for you the hopes and dreams will be much more real and much more fulfilling.
Awesome article 😉