I realize that my story probably sounds like another sad tale of a marriage gone wrong, not an example of the emotional variant of domestic abuse—especially since I am a man. Even I feel squeamish referring to it as such. This is largely because I know some knuckle-dragger will raise his scornful unibrow before then calling me a pussy, while a squad of hardcore feminists simultaneously overanalyze my words in search of irrefutable evidence that I am, in fact, the heinous Man-Bear-Pig of South Park. Both of these reactions typify the reasons behind men’s reluctance to see themselves as victims of domestic abuse in any form—emotional or physical.
“There is a false stigma for men suggesting they are less than masculine if they admit [to being abused],” says Dr. Claudia Cornell, founder of WomenAbusingMen.org and author of the upcoming book The Secret Lives of Abused Men and the Women Who Abuse Them. Dr. Cornell also points to another restraining factor for men which centers on a perceived risk that such a disclosure would be dismissed coming from the man and more than likely would be turned against him, leading to false allegations and possibly even an arrest—a situation referred to as “victim blaming.”
This mentality of automatically assuming men are to blame in domestic abuse cases has become entrenched in society’s collective mindset, despite evidence to the contrary. As of 2010, over 250 academic studies have determined females are as aggressive as males, while research dating back to the 1970s has indicated a steady rise in the number of abusive women. In 2003 a Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief reported that men accounted for 15 percent of the victims who reported intimate partner violence (IPV), a number that equated to an occurrence every 37.8 seconds. This, in addition to BBC Radio’s 2009 documentary, Boys Don’t Cry, which stated that 20 percent of men had been victims of some form of domestic abuse. In all of these cases, experts believe that statistics are much higher.
So why have these and similar findings failed to gain broader attention? For one, it’s difficult to argue that abusive women are just as prevalent and vicious as abusive men. Furthermore, it appears our society is averse to considering anything different, given the assertion made in a 2007 study published in the International Journal of Men’s Health, which concluded that “prevailing patriarchal conception of intimate partner violence led to a systematic reluctance to study women who psychologically and physically abuse their male partners.” Put another way, society as a whole is covering its ears and going “La la la” at suggestions that women are perpetrators of domestic abuse.
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“The courts are prepared to believe—indeed, expect—that a man will be emotionally abusive to a woman, but not so the other way around,” says Anne Mitchell, a California attorney who started DadsRights.org and is author of the book Surviving Divorce and Custody Issues: The Single Father’s Guide. “Women are perceived as soft, nurturing, and in need of protection from angry, aggressive men.” First responders, she says, are trained to handle domestic violence calls by separating the couple, which typically means arresting the male regardless of fault. Mitchell cites a client who, despite his bloodied face, was hauled off to jail. His infant child was left with its mother, the same coked-out woman who had attacked him.
Stories of the court’s blatant gender bias and ambivalence toward abusive wives are rampant. In one case, a Toronto judge laughed at a husband who claimed to be the victim of domestic abuse. I interviewed another gentlemen who recounted his nightmare of emotional abuse inflicted by his chronically cheating wife. Thinking the ordeal over after agreeing to her terms for a divorce that required no spousal or child support, he moved on, only to then be notified, 13 years later, that his ex had secretly finagled the system, sticking him with roughly $1.7 million in back support. Ten years of unsuccessful petitioning and now in his 60s, he knows he’ll never be able to pay this off in his lifetime. And the daughter he was supporting? Not his.
But what drives these tendencies in women? Answers range from learned behavior growing up, to mental instability. In When She Was Bad, Women and the Myth of Innocence, author Patricia Pearson referred to a study in which researchers found that children beaten by their fathers tended to grow up and become victims, regardless of their gender. Conversely, children of both sexes who were abused by the mother were more likely to become the victimizers. Logically speaking, such a finding implies that abusive women could be, overall, more destructive than men in the sense they are actually producing more abusers.
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Being a victim of these cycles is something John Wilder understands. Abused as a boy by his father, John later became the victim of two emotionally abusive wives. “I felt powerless … [and] they used it as an emotional club to beat me.” John recognized the pattern despite being ignored by eight different marriage councilors. Today, John has a graduate degree in clinical psychology and works as a relationship coach.
John’s situation also illustrates another problematic issue: the lack of professional understanding and resources particularly in cases of emotional abuse, which, unlike the physical form, is hard to spot. “It’s very fuzzy,” contends Mitchell. “Abuse is in the eye of the recipient, [and] for this reason, proving emotional abuse is very difficult—more so if the victim is a male.”
However, signs of emotional abuse can be determined. In their book, It’s Not Okay Anymore, Greg Enns and Jan Black ask:
- Does your wife criticize, embarrass, or humiliate you in front of others, including friends or family?
- Does she insist that things you want for yourself are selfish and wrong?
- Does your wife or girlfriend withhold affection or sex to “punish” you?
- Does she intimidate you or make you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” to keep the peace?
- Has your wife prevented you from taking a job, or kept you from going to school/college? Has your wife forced you through manipulation, coercion, or intimidation to quit a job you had?
- Does your wife minimize or deny her abusive treatment of you, or make “jokes” about how she treats you? Does she blame you for her abusive behaviors?
- Does she treat you as if you are her personal servant or slave?
- Does your wife criticize or belittle your beliefs, or tell you that your faith is wrong?
- Does your wife restrict or limit your contact with your family or friends, or make you leave social gatherings because she says so?
- If you have children together, does she threaten you’ll never be able to see your children if you leave or divorce her?
And there’s more, according to Dr. Cornell’s WomenAbusingMen.org, where abusive women are broken down into two categories: “abusive controllers” and “abusive consumers.” Per the site’s information, women who are “controllers” seek to dominate a man’s entire being in order to manage him as an extension of themselves. For these women, a man’s compliance is love.
Meanwhile, “abusive consumers” measure love by what a man can give them. These women gain access to everything a man has, turning him into a tool to be used on all levels as a means for obtaining a certain lifestyle. The site goes on to mention that some women can exhibit behavioral tendencies listed in both categories.
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For me, I didn’t recognize my ex-wife’s emotional abusiveness until after experiencing the healthy relationship I now enjoy in my current marriage. Still, I feel somewhat unmanly claiming to be a victim, even though I can’t fold laundry, clean the kitchen, or make the bed without it churning up the memories and emotions associated with being berated by my ex. Ultimately, however, I’ve moved on—and consider myself lucky.
—Photo renee_mcgurk/Flickr
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Other stories in this special package:
Meet the Men’s Rights Movement
Hugo Schwyzer: How Men’s Rights Activists Get Feminism Wrong
Paul Elam: On Misandry: What’s Wrong With Men?
Tom Matlack: Adultery’s Double Standard
Amanda Marcotte: The Solution to MRA Problems? More Feminism
Zeta Male: The Top 10 Issues of Men’s Rights
Kaelin Alexander: Men’s Studies: Teaching Masculinities in the Margins
Pelle Billing: Unlocking the Men’s Rights Movement
David Futrelle: Dismantling the Men’s Rights Movement
Dan Moore of Menz: The MRA Perspective
Tom Matlack: Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?
Blixa Scott: Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?
Joseph Caputo: Can We Degenderize Domestic Violence?
the sooner you husbands that are going through this can comprehend that your wife is a psychopath narcissist WHO NEVER LOVED YOU the better off youll be GET OUT STAY OUT GOSO~
you are not crazy, i have many videos of my wife attacking me and i submitted them to my attorney. we do not have children. i am medically retired and my wife made me mostly dependent on her because of the abuse. she said she would never have to work after i was retired. she physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused me. i lost $500-600 thousand, includes my house, car, money market acct, contents of house, gold diamond jewelry, tools etc. if you are going to lose this much, do not agree to it outside of a trial. i did… Read more »
My wife made me stop seeing my friends. I can’t talk to them. I am not aloud on facebook or any other sites like that. I can’t talk to my family without her cross checking every message send. She once told me in front of my family to shut the F up or I’ll smash a wine bottle over your head. I have been spat on and kicked. Schached and punched. She sold my computer and Xbox. Emailed my boss to get me fired. Making Staments that she will report me to police that I am hurting my son. She… Read more »
I love my wife completely and I do see that she is such a sweet person. She has serious problems though. Since we’ve been married (year and a half) she has abused me mentally and physically. I attribute this to an inability to handle stress and the fear of the unknown. She had a job for a while and I was her ride to work. She made me late every morning because she had emotional breakdowns where it was my fault that she was not ready in time because I didn’t fill her water bottle or pack her lunch. There… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your story, Ron. Keep putting the word out because this is more common than people want to believe. We’ve taught our boys never to lay a hand on a woman, but then we condemn him for any physical or emotional abuse perpetrated by his female significant other. You sound like my ex-brother-in-law #2…my sister is onto husband #3. She’s been an abuser her whole life. I know because I was her first victim. When she started victimizing my nephew, I couldn’t take it any more. My husband and I stood by her ex #2 in his bid… Read more »
I can’t believe how close to home this article hit for me. I read this and work and just sobbed. I swear I must have married the author’s ex’s doppelganger. Thank you so much, Ron. Reading this and subsequent posts on your blog are one of the few things that has given me hope in months, rather, YEARS.
I suffered a similar fate with my abusive wife. Yet, luck was on my side that final time she bit and struck me. I called the police on her and it was my wife who received the domestic abuse charge. She served 3 days in jail and the state issued a protection order against her.
I was so grateful for how understanding the police were. Especially, since I was scared that she’ll convince the police that I was one who started the fight.
Now, I’m filing for divorce and doing my best to move on to new and better things.
Well..i am currently going threw this.I relocated to be with her 5 years ago..After we had our son everything changed..Im the man who helped her be who she is today by getting her off her butt and getting to work.She got promoted lots and i thought it would make her see the big picture..i was wrong..i was blamed for her past and cant seem to show her that a good man is in front of her.A man who uplifted her.She don’t want me going anywhere..not even to see my other sons.Made me feel bad bout going to my sisters funeral..telling… Read more »
I’m a pastor and have 2 daughters and a son,I WANT TO KILL MYSELF….RONS STORY IS THE SAME AS MINE.
Hope you’re doing better….I have read some of the posts here and found them helpful…..similar situations…..
I never knew this existed. I was so naive. My problems and percentage of the blame would make many believe without hesitation that it was all my fault. I would scream and yell and have thrown a glass on the floor as well as punched a door and grabbed her as well as pushed her off of me onto the couch. It wasn’t until I said I’m done after 3 years of counseling that I developed an understanding of narcissism, and realized that she might be full-blown NPD. For anyone struggling, if you have felt a lot of these things,… Read more »
I am currently about to tell my childrens mother, two boys, that I am ready to end our relationship. I just sat through another lecture about how I basically have been the anchor to her existence. This guy who has done her wrong but feels sorry for and continue to put up(supprt me). I battle mentally about what type of person I am. Am I this monster she says I am and if so why wasnt she acting like that a few days ago? But only started when I spoke my mind and spoke up for myself. I do feel… Read more »
I agree with you……if I was a woman and I was describing my story here I would feel so much more “socially justified.” That’s because society has ACCEPTED that men abuse their wives and there is empathy. My story is like the above article – I NEVER was an angry person or resorted to violence in a relationship before this one. Not even close. But somehow now I am “one half of the problem.” The problem being our relationship. My wife rages at me for next to no reason and, in a gut reaction, sometimes I yell back at her.… Read more »
I just found the power to leave a abusive relationship I’ve been in for nine years I married her under pressure from her i have quit multiple jobs for her i have two awesome children with her and three wonderful stepchildren i got out for them i found help when I thought there was non this has been the hardest 5days of my life the old me would’ve been back with her by now this is the first time I have ever made plans for myself and im scared as hell of whats coming next but with the help of… Read more »
I can relate……my heart tells me that if I just moved back in with them I could be a 24/7 Dad again and that would be great…..it’s like my mind doesn’t want me to remember how screwed up it was. My wife would go into insane rages against me for no real reason. Right in front of our two babies……..I tell myself I moved out for them – and I should STAY out for them.
Man readin Ron’s story. Was like had been following me an telling every aspect. Of what I’m going threw now an want to be heard to clear my name. Cuz its been ruined by false reports an false statements. Not married. Jus girlfriend does that matter. I’m at my end an she’s going to push until I can’t control the out come. She’s admit to cpl mural friends to knowing push my buttons to cover up the issues that she is responsible for. An thus shared withbthem I needed him to snap sp he would be wrong. Plz help
I just went through a abusive relationship.
13 years being thrown in jail for nothing
Bankrupt us
Punching me in the face in the middle of he night
Pouring hot coffee over my head in front of kids.
Making us lose the house
Moving homeless people in our house while she threw me in jail
Made me lose all my friends
Sleeping in car
Wife telling kids I’m cheating on her when she’s the one cheating
That’s just a couple things
My son was a victim of emotional abuse. for years. His wife was a narcissist sociopath myself and the rest of the family new there was something wrong with her . Hated the way she treated him . He was with her 15 years . 3 years ago he took his life. he had 6 kids with her ages 2 to 14 now that he is gone I have done a lot of research on on emotional abuse and had a hard time finding help for men . This made me so angry so I did more research and started… Read more »
Thank you, I’m about to lose everything to an emotionally abusive woman. I needed to know I wasn’t crazy
May THE MOST HIGH bless you & keep you strong!
I just spent the last night sleeping in my car and alternately “confessing” my faults for 10 hours. Poked in the eyes and strangled with a scarf for silently praying for the strength not to end this. Buts this is not the first time an evening has gone like this, it’s been four years, and we have a daughter just shy of two. Thank you for reminding me that this is so far from normal that there isn’t an excuse for it. That it’s proper name is abuse.
thank you for this. It is time the world understands what is going on. I was “married” for 7 years to a completely abusive women, physically emotion etc, she did it all. I literally raised my kids from day one, while working a full time job. the only thing she added was beating the crap out of me and making sure she was the center of attention and not my children. she made sure my kids and i could have no contact with family, if we did she would get upset and abuse me. We went to 15 therapists and… Read more »
Yes….thanks
How can i get out im poor have 3 kids and feel like she has control over me
Too familiar…what can I do?
Any men out there who are in abusive relationships with children, take it from me, get out for your children’s sake! I watched my psychotic mother break my father down in ways I did not think a man could be broken. Infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg. Blatant theft and gambling with family funds left our family destitute even though my father earned a six figure salary. She abused me physically when I was a young boy, and manipulated my father into believing I was making things up until I sat down and talked to him about why… Read more »
Dear Ron, Thank you for giving my ex husband a scapegoat for his behavior and an avenue to smear my character. Regardless of my behavior (which was not abusive according to our marriage counselor – she told me to stand up for myself and quit walking around on eggshells), he is still responsible and accountable for his actions. He now feels justified and absolved of any wrongdoing. He-who-can-find-an-excuse-for-any-behavior is now pulling the wool over another woman’s eyes in search of wife number three. Can you tell her what she’s getting into? I no longer have any semblance of character credibility… Read more »
Dear Emily, I feel your comment is sarcasm and demeaning. Ron’s article is a testament of his experience he had published to help others. I don’t know the truth of your situation, but for you to take the time to comment in sarcasm and or for the purpose to belittle, disregard Ron’s experience and article, is very suspect. Ther is very little information or support for men suffering abuse, and I find it difficult to understand your need to attack this article.
Hello everyone! So glad I found this! Not alone after all. I too walk on egg shells everyday. Although its getting tougher at work, in the process of being made redundant, its the only place I have some form of peace. Also, starting to have feelings for a colleague who with just her smile as I walk in every morning, it helps me inside. I freak out when its time to go home. I look after 2 kids (8,4) alone until my wife gets home. And when the time nears, I start to panic and quickly assess her state as… Read more »
Dear Alone, You just described my life. Every day when my wife comes home, I go straight into a panic attack. One person shouldn’t have that affect on another…right? If and when I leave the house, depression usually keeps me safe at home, I’m generally accused of trying to get with any woman who I come in contact with, grocery store clerk, wife or girlfriend of a co-worker. I then have to spend hours pleading that I was merely having friendly small talk, as I think people do or should be able to do, when they aren’t staring at their… Read more »
Thanks for this website. It is a great support group for all the men out there living with abusive women.
My name is Anthony Norwood I am abused husband and I need help buy some type of resource they can look at my evidence and information that I am a victim please help me change my circumstances you can reach me at 678 538 7015 please help
Thank you for this. I went through 17 yrs of good and bad times, but the last 3, one separated, were Hell. Counselor labeled me and believed her stories and half truths, her family abandoned me, had to move churches, and I’ve lost my two older children for now. I lost my family home with land, still have my career and side business, but all of my career income will go to her for the next 4 yrs. I was labeled the narcissist, sex addict, and was called unmanly by the female counselor in the way I handled being shut… Read more »
Im on a dv Facebook group i am a female what got me interested in researching men been abused was as i read the stories on the group i get a sneaking suspicous alot of woman are lying. Im so sorry you have been through this i hope your okay im prsying for everyone that the truth be told
I hear you Aaron. I am beginning the process myself.
Good Day All!
I’m in the same boat I’m in the Marines (a senior rank). Just wish all my fellow mates calm seas in future like I wish for myself. Be happy yourself to keep someone happy. If someone pulls you down just be your self and be happy. One life!
Sid
I’m experiencing almost the exact same thing. We are at the reconciliation stage after she took me to court to keep me from seeing my daughter. She plays the perfect part in front of people, especially at our church. is it possible to get in contact with the author? It’s really hard to find help without using the internet to cover me.