Question: Coach, I went to surprise my old girlfriend when I realized she’s the only thing that ever made me happy – until I found out she was married with two kids! I couldn’t explain why I was there and it was just an awkward encounter. The crazy thing is, I feel as if she felt the same way. I know I need to walk away but what if there is still a chance, would it be fair not to see it through?
Answer:Love, while I can appreciate there was a connection between the two of you… what I think you’re saying is that when you reached back to let her know she was the only thing that ever made you happy, you found out she was lying to you this whole time and has been married with two kids yet dating and sleeping with you! Of course that would be awkward because it exposed a huge lie. Wasn’t it odd that she never invited you to her house before? Didn’t your gut say something about her inability to get more connected or take your relationship to the next level? How did you know where she lived anyways?
And forgive me, yet how can there still be a chance, how could it be not fair to see it through, when she’s not even available? She’s made a choice to stay married and raise her children rather than be with you… And I don’t think when you say see it through, that you’re interested in being the other man and that that’s enough for you, true? Don’t you value yourself more fully great man?
After you recover from the shock, I think the main thing to learn and grow from this is that you engaged in a relationship with a married woman who withheld that information. That could either indicate you don’t believe you deserve any better. It could indicate that there’s a level of lying you do to yourself, that is mirrored in her lies to you. It could mean that you’re not as emotionally intimate and available to yourself as you could be and attracted somebody completely unavailable to have a relationship with to show you this gap within yourself. Makes sense?
Go deeper… when you realized she’s the only thing that ever made you happy… Why? There was an essence, a core value, a dynamic, an energy that was shared between the two of you, yes? Guess what? It that already lives inside of you. She was just the catalyst for it to awaken. What would it take to awaken that within yourself and say thank you that she was a catalyst, but not to settle and be the other Man, yes? With all honestly and tenderness, I’m doubtful that your relationship with her could ever work anyways because the whole foundation of it was based on a lie and a betrayal of her vows to her husband…which could very well happen to you one day.
I suppose the only way I could really see this working… is if she is already in counseling with her ex and it’s totally not working. She would need to take full responsibility for her lies to you (and her husband) and complete her marriage with integrity, grow from her fears that led to a lack of integrity and do the deep inner work so that in a relationship with you, even if things got challenging, you two would sit in the fire and have those vulnerable and honest conversations and grow stronger every time.
I suppose it’s possible that she’s absolutely miserable and nothing she does to improve the marriage is working. For all we know he’s having affairs on her or has a drinking problem and she’s staying for the kids out of guilt. I suppose it is possible that if you called her and apologized for showing up unannounced. You reveal you are heartbroken that she had lied to you this whole time, and yet you forgive yourself for not asking more questions before and trusting your gut, and you forgive her for not telling you she was married with kids. You let her know that if there’s absolutely no chance of her marriage ever working that when it is complete with integrity and honor for herself, her husband and kids, you would love to hear from her and truly do the work together to have a relationship of honesty, vulnerability and intimate communion.
Otherwise you wish her the best.
And truly release her.
You can’t move forward while you’re still hooked to the past. You can never be fully present with anybody new if you’re always comparing them to this woman. And bottom line, you deserve someone who is honest from the get go, someone ready for relationship, someone emotionally available, someone who proactively does their inner work and doesn’t look to feel better outside the relationship and not tell you the truth. You deserve a soul shaking conscious relationship. You deserve to feel safe, honored, appreciated and HOME with a woman who honors your grandeur. Please do your inner work to LIVE from that truth so that you can HAVE that truth as your relationship.
Great love, Allana xox
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