One thing we’ve talked about on this blog a lot is that there’s different approaches to and ideas of masculinity. I thought our readers would have some interesting experiences to share. What makes you personally feel masculine, folks? Or if not you personally, what do you perceive or experience as masculine?
Me, I confess, some of it is just straight-up gender performativity. Lifting something heavy? Totally feels masculine. Shaving with a straight razor? Manly as fuck, yo. Hoisting a wolf over my head? …Christ, that looks weird typed out, but I do it and it’s definitely a manly feeling. Next up, punching a grizzly bear! With my dick!
There’s a subtler thing as well, though. I feel masculine when I can take care of someone, when they have a problem or a crisis and I’m able to resolve it and make it better. When I’m able to handle things and deal with stuff while maintaining a cool head, I feel like a man. There’s part of my definition of masculinity that involves being a reliable, capable person that other people can count on to get shit done.
Now, I do worry that this means that, via binary thinking, I on some level perceive women as unreliable, incapable, and unable to get shit done. We all have a lot of our own stuff to unpack, after all. It is frustrating to me, however, that most pop-culture perceptions of the concept of masculinity focus more on the grizzly dick-punching, if you will, and less on the getting shit done.
But, as I say, that’s strictly my personal feeling of masculinity. What are some of yours?
I feel most masculine when displaying my male body and its capabilities, or just attracting the attention of women. Ironically, most of the ways I do that — dance, gymnastics & theater; sashes, vests, and high-heeled boots– tend to be coded feminine in general society. It’s a little weird to talk about because I don’t see myself as feminine in any way, but it’s hard to explain that without implying that it would be terrible if I were.
I feel masculine when I’ve just been to the gym, and I’m feeling that little bit more confident about my body and my attractiveness.
I feel masculine when I am swordfighting against a female opponent, and I have to be mindful of my strength, whilst not holding back on technique.
I feel masculine when somebody stereotypes based on gender, and I say “well I’m a man, and I cook/knit/etc.”
Basically, I feel masculine whenever I something reminds me of my maleness; whenever I think to myself: yeah, I am a man, and I’m okay with that.
I have enough Gender Issues that trying to answer this kind of question mostly makes my brain spin its wheels in bad ways. Acting responsible and taking care of others doesn’t make me feel like a man or a woman; it just makes me feel strong and confident. Trying to work out various traits of mine masculine or feminine makes me feel less strong and confident. I guess the two traits that I don’t mind associating with masculinity are (1) facial hair (mm, facial hair) and (2) submission. I know that associating submission with masculinity is not the culturally typical… Read more »
I don’t think anything necessarily makes me feel “like a guy”. I just know (and yes, I understand that phrase is cliche) that I am a guy and I do not have to prove it to anyone. I feel good when I do traditionally masculine things–and when I do traditionally feminine things, too. In my case, it may be accurate to say I feel strong and powerful when I’m taking charge and getting things done. That’s not feeling masculine, even though those feelings are associated with masculinity. Anyone can be strong and powerful, not just butch people.
My innate sense of direction and ability to pilot vehicles with a brutal learning curve with ease makes me feel manly.
Also, MacGyver-esque solutions to engineering problems around the household. (You should see how I water my tomato plants on the second floor deck.)
@Superglucose, HAH! What are the odds of finding another LoL player on these forums? I can absolutely relate to that! Nothing like getting first blood, or getting a kill on a particularly aggravating lane opponent (or even thwarting attempted enemy ganks). @attie, demonstration of specialised knowledge, especially anything considered ‘nerdy’ I suppose I consider somewhat manly – but mostly it’s just attractive as hell. I like to consider myself an ‘Alpha Nerd’, I play D&D (well, I DM D&D and other games, M:tA, EP, CoC, G:tS-A, etc), read a lot of Sci-Fi/Fantasty, participate on Transhumanist forums and play online games… Read more »
I’m sticking with “man” when talking about my parenting. Like I said before, in the context of family, men are infantilized, and that’s my starting point. If how I choose to label myself bothers you, too bad. Tell those people who call me Mr. Mom or ask if men can mother or otherwise assume that men can’t parent, can’t change diaper, can’t wash dishes, can’t do laundry, etc etc etc.
@Ella and Daran:
Or perhaps “does not take responsibility for”.
But I also don’t want to get too absolutist about this. I think there are circumstances where people can have legitimate complaints about certain things not being accommodated for them. But I do think there is something adult about erring on the side of “it’s my responsibility”, as well as an attitude of, “even if it’s not my responsibility, I can’t control other people, so I still need to be proactive even in unfair situations”.
Daran: I can totally see your point. My post was only considering able-bodied people, that being their reason for not doing these things isn’t a specific inability to do these things but rather an expectation that others will do it for them, even though they could do it themselves. I have an ex-girlfriend who has some pretty bad back problems and when I was with her I had to do a lot of stuff around the house because she couldn’t. I never would of thought for a second to imply she’s not an adult though because of this. Totally didn’t… Read more »
@Daran:
Apologies. I was taking it for granted that disabilities and other legitimate reasons preventing people from doing x, y, or z (or the whole alphabet) are allowed within a reasonable definition of adulthood. If someone can’t do something, that is a very different matter from just not doing something.
Although there is an extent to which I believe people still have a responsibility to seek help or otherwise find ways to manage certain disabilities, especially those that have an unreasonably negative impact on others (for example, anger management issues).
@Daran, How would you prefer people to phrase “has never learnt to do “, if we’re not using the word can’t? It’s abundantly clear from Cortek’s context that he meant people who had never bothered to learn those skills, not people who have circumstances that prevent them from doing it. I’m chronically ill, so I have ways of managing the things I can’t do. I imagine you have ways of managing your inability to do things like cook and clean. It’s not inherently childish to be unable to do something, but it is childish to not organise or have someone… Read more »
So what you describe as feelings associated with being ‘manly’ are the kind of aspects that I as cis-female identifying person find association in being related to my identifying as relating to my sense of ‘humanity’, moreso even than a sense of ‘femininity’. Getting stuff done, being reliable, taking care of loved ones, providing for them, giving comfort and care… I think that you might find there’s a lot that’s often associated with discussions linking in about ‘women’s work’ here, though I’m at work and don’t have links to hand. It just looks/feels/reads similarly – and that is really interesting… Read more »
Typhonblud: “Now, I do worry that this means that, via binary thinking, I on some level perceive women as unreliable, incapable, and unable to get shit done.” Yes it does. Decouple masculinity from what is better termed adulthood, please. Corteks: So, just as an example, sure I might think “Well you’re not very MANLY if you can’t cook and clean for yourself.” But really that’s me saying “Well you’re not much of an adult if you can’t cook and clean for yourself.” This line of argumentation is extremely ablist. I’m unreliable, incapable, and unable to get shit done. In particular… Read more »
Darque: There are definitely female-gendered nerd activities, though– most notably, fanfic (especially slash), fanart and some kinds of anime (shonen-ai, for instance). And some of the other geeky activities, like RenFaire, are pretty even in terms of gender.
Two people answered my question correctly. This makes me happy. On a side note, I’ve been doing some thinking on how so many recreational activities get coded as masculine. For example: I’m fairly confident that many of the “nerd” activities – DnD, tabletop gaming, videogames, are seen as masculine by the greater culture. How depressing is it, that we let our definitions of masculinity and femininity restrict ourselves from enjoying such pleasurable activities? To imagine, for a moment, that if I were a woman and had not fallen into the same group of high school misfits and not been introduced… Read more »
“Well you’re not much of an adult if you can’t cook and clean for yourself.” Why choose to think “MANLY” though? In this case it’s because I want to do my bit to try and take down the ridiculous and sexist notion that women should cook and clean for their men, that men shouldn’t bother with that because it’s “women’s work.” A couple of years ago, I met this guy who had never been shown how to clean his bathroom (and he was living in a college flat, so the bathroom was DISGUSTING), and I had that same thought, except… Read more »
Darque: I really have to choose from just those 2 default armies? I don’t think I can, clearly the answer is Tau 😛
Okay okay, if I have to answer the question with either of those though, Orks.
Darque: I know I’m not Corteks, but the answer is clearly Orks.
Corteks:
Challenging social norms is all well and good, but there’s really only one question here that matters.
Space marines or Orks?
There can be only one right answer Corteks. Choose wisely. 😉
“Does any of you feel masculine while sitting in a corner and excitedly comparing your D&D characters, by any chance?” Me and my friends play Warhammer 40k (a miniature wargame) and I feel pretty manly discussing that with them excitedly, whether it’s the gaming, the model building or the painting of stuff. I guess it feels like the whole thing of talking sport with my mates, since I have zero interest in any traditional sports. On that note though I host a NERF War in my local community each month and getting people together to have fun and play team… Read more »
Creating practical stuff with your hands. Carpentering, welding, that sort of thing.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while actually and I still don’t know what to say… As some of you may be aware if you read my blog, I have Gender Issues. I currently identify as genderqueer but am not entirely comfortable with the label; however, I am almost certainly on the transmasculine spectrum. So what makes me feel masculine is social recognition, being taken as a man: being called “sir” by a waitress or a clerk; having a friend tell me he thought I was an effeminate man the first time he met me; even having my… Read more »
A man/male is a person whose traits are predominantly those that are associated with human agents that induce pregnancy.
Masculinity is the idea mode of being male and almost always refers in some way to explicit displays of power.
@ Danny Actually it was hilarious. It was at a travelling wrestling tour. The bear was declawed and muzzled but they taught it how to pull you down by the back of the neck. All I could think when I entered the ring was “are you fucking nuts this is a damn bear” and in a matter of seconds and a bloody nose later, it was done. The truth is, had a been a little more “manly” I would have known not to get in the ring with a bear. Only the boy in me let me do that nonsensical… Read more »
THE THREADS OF FATE
That was a pretty fun (playstation) game back in the day.