Instead

I want something instead of beauty so I
will not describe the white girl as
beautiful her hands were not gloved and
her hair not crossed as a southern
debutante her mouth not dainty the color
in her cheeks not rosy her dress not
made of lace and smelling of mint or
lavender her eyes not the inside of the
sea her name not the language I wish to
swathe myself in her socks not trimmed
with gems her silhouette not the grand
god I pray to her voice not echoing as a
high-pitched note from piano in the
moment when she unbolted her 5 year old
lips and called my 5 year old self a
nigger I want something instead of pain
so I will not describe my mother’s rage
on the way home from the daycare as
painful I will not say that white girls
think me a monster when I dawn the
garments inhabit the spaces play with
the toys made for them I will not say I
learned to stand still er than air
though not still enough to disappear
will not say I envied the carpet for
going unnoticed that I wish again to
know my father to have a partner in this
that I began to touch my hair whenever I
felt lonely that I fitted between mom’s
legs as she pulled the brush over my
crown while yelling that years later I
searched for every translation of the
word to know always when I am being
spoken about to manage the danger of
being born in this body what I mean is I
did not always understand that day I did
not understand so well I did not move
not once from the spot until I was told
you
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