5 Lines Not to Cross When Pursuing an Office Romance

Losing your heart at work can be a good thing, so long as you don’t lose your head.

—

I wonder, reading the predictions about the mobilization of the workforce, how the Millennials will ever meet their mates.

Because, until nearly everyone started working from home, from the car, from the beach, and from the golf course (oh wait, the golf course is considered an extension of the office, right?) it was estimated that about half of us would meet our future romantic partner at work.

And yet, we still haven’t figured out the rules.

It was true for me over 25 years ago. I was clerking at a hotel and going to school, he was the hotel’s maintenance go-to-guy. My manager thought he had a cute butt (I know she did because she pointed it out to me.) I thought he had a great smile and an interesting mind. (OK, I noticed the butt.)

In spite of the uproar when it came out that we were dating, we stayed together (although he moved on to another job shortly afterwards.) We were married more than 20 years, and even though we decided that we aren’t the best life partners, we’re still best friends (yeah, I’ll tell you how we did it if you want to know.) Looking back, I realize that one reason we made it through the ordeal of a workplace romance is that we followed some unwritten guidelines.

◊♦◊

Romance in the workplace is common place, always has been. If the whole workforce goes mobile, I predict that the work romances will just move to the coffee shops.

Work is the ideal breeding ground for romance. You’re usually working in close proximity, toward common goals. You’re sharing stuff – ideas, problems, beefs, and maybe even the midnight oil or the sweat of your brow. And you’ve got decades of stereotypes to refer to –from Spencer Tracy and Kathrine Hepburn in Woman of the Year, Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice, or even Ted Dansen and Shelley Long in Cheers.

Most of those stereotypes work in entertainment because they break all the “rules” with predictable, and usually hilarious, consequences. Of course, in the movies these lovers usually go on to live happily ever after, possibly even continuing to work together after the disaster that so entertained us has been put to rights. Life, as you’ve probably noticed, doesn’t always work that way.

So what should the rules for workplace romance be? I’m not a fan of rules, as anyone who knows me will confirm, so I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do, or even should or shouldn’t do. But I can tell you what the consequences will probably be if you ignore these five basic guidelines. And every one of them would make a better movie plot than a career strategy.

◊♦◊

If Someone Could Get Hurt, it’s Not a Good Idea

I’m not referring to S&M in the boardroom. When I say “hurt” I’m talking about collateral damages. Could a career be sidelined because your relationship doesn’t sit too well with the powers that be? Could another relationship (spouse, significant other, or former lover) be damaged if you indulge in an office fling? If your relationship fizzles, or worse yet, self-destructs, will you still have to work together every day?

Ignoring this one doesn’t just mean hurt feelings or punitive action from the boss or the “other lover.” If you don’t care enough about the possible consequences to your work mate (in which case, it’s REALLY not a good idea) then remember what they say about karma. If your decision to pursue your love or lust causes them harm, and they still work for the same company or the same industry where you make your living, you can expect some vile gossip will find its way into the pipeline.  That may not be the equivalent of sticks and stones, but it can do a load of damage to your reputation.

Don’t Involve Anyone Else in Your Tango for Two

I once managed an office where the boss was having a supposedly-secret affair with one of our assistants. Although they denied it to anyone who would listen, they weren’t fooling anyone. Our staff came to me and asked what was up, our customers even called to ask if I knew that it was going on and if I was OK with it. Nope, I wasn’t. And when they kept denying their involvement, and kept refusing to cool their jets in public, I quit.

Even if I’d been willing to cover for them I predict it would have gone south pretty quickly. Because being the “alibi” can test the loyalty of any co-worker.  So you can’t logically expect that anyone is going to lie for you, or even continue to look the other way, if things get too uncomfortable for them.

If you were planning to keep your relationship under wraps, don’t let anyone else in on the news. Otherwise you may find wraps ripped right off and your relationship exposed in the worst possible light for all to see.

Don’t Expect Everyone Will be Happy for You

Ideally, you work in a place that doesn’t expressly forbid romantic relationships and you’re able to be open about your involvement. (I’m assuming I don’t need to mention the potential consequences of ignoring those kinds of rules, do I?)

There are still plenty of folks who frown on dating your co-worker. If it’s your boss, or your direct report, or if you’re doing more than dating, they might really get upset. And if you love interest happens to be of the same gender as you, you might find some feathers seriously ruffled. I believe that the best workplace policy on romantic relationships is one where employees can have any relationship they want so long as they are transparent with the organization. Because it sets a standard of acceptance that overrides a lot of the social programming about “professionalism” in romantic relationships.

But even when the company clearly condones dating, or any natural extension of dating, there will still be those who are envious, judgmental, suspicious, or just plain mean.

The consequences here aren’t really about people getting riled, that’s going to happen in the best of work environments, if not about romance, then about something else. The consequences are more likely to tap you on the shoulder if you aren’t respectful of their concerns. Valid or not, treat your naysayers with respect if you want to be able to work with them.

Don’t Do It on the Desk (or in the Closet, or the Elevator, or …)

While there are many companies that don’t prohibit workplace romance, there are few that condone getting it on on company property.

On a side note, not long after I quit working for the business I mentioned earlier, one of my previous co-workers called to let me know she’d surprised my old boss and the assistant in an early morning session on his desk. I guess when you’re the business owner “company property” has different connotations.

Of course, even owning the desk in question doesn’t avoid the consequences of ignoring this one. Even when you can’t be fired or otherwise slapped for violating company policy, it becomes very difficult for anyone to take you seriously as a professional when they know that’s how you spend your “desk time.”

Don’t Take Unfair Advantage – of Anyone

It doesn’t matter if you’re the boss, or the janitor. Nor does it matter what your professional relationship is to your love interest in the pecking order of the workplace. If your “romance” is based on a discrepancy in power there will be consequences, perhaps legal ones.

Don’t take advantage of people outside the relationship either. Don’t use your work friends to get the relationship started. Don’t use your co-workers as an audience for your love life. People aren’t tools, and they aren’t bit actors in your little romantic drama. And these people are primarily there to contribute their gifts and talents and be paid accordingly. Anything that distracts them from that objective, or detracts from their ability to pursue it, is unfair and unwelcome.

◊♦◊

So there you have it, not “rules” really, just my predictions of consequences for not being honest, considerate, fair, and sensible if you lose your heart at work.

 

Photo: Flickr/Pedro Ribeiro Simões