His job was everything, when he lost it, he lost himself. It took a sobering experience to wake him up.
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Men, why do we let our jobs define our identity? Why is our manhood–our masculinity, social status and self-worth–so intertwined with what we do for work?
And then, what becomes of that identity when we find ourselves miserable at work, or worse, when we lose our job? I recently came to grips with this myself.
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And it was the first time in 26 years that I didn’t have a job.
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During the nearly ten years I worked for my last employer, I put everything I had into making that company successful. I worked day and night, often putting in 60+ hours per week. I travelled hundreds of thousands of miles around the world, adding new points of distribution and sales to increase our revenue opportunities. As we reached new highs, I was proud of what we accomplished, and my paycheck and job title reflected my significant contribution to that success.
During that same period, my wife and I got married, and our son was born a few years later. Both of those events are the two most amazing and defining moments of my life. But, I was still putting most of my energy into that job, doing work that had me spending countless nights and several weekends away from my family.
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My life revolved around that job for so long, that when I got laid off, I was devastated. Everything I’d identified with during those ten years was gone, no longer part of my day to day life. And it was the first time in 26 years that I didn’t have a job. Beyond the fear, the doubts and my severely bruised ego, I was completely lost.
This had such a huge impact on me and my self-worth, and it manifested itself in a lot of different ways. Less than two weeks later, one of my son’s friends was having a birthday party at their house. My wife couldn’t attend, so it was on me to take my son to the party. I made every excuse I could think of to get out it. I even tried convincing my six-year-old son that it would be a boring party and that he didn’t want to go.
I was anxious and afraid of going to that party because I feared that someone was going to ask me the question you always ask people you meet at parties, “what do you do?” I felt ashamed that I had got laid off and didn’t have a job. There was no way I was going to tell people what had happened, I would just have to lie and talk about my job like nothing had happened.
Unable to talk him out of going, I took my son to that party. Whenever possible, I avoided getting into conversations with the other parents. Somehow I made it through without anyone asking me what I did.
Through that experience and the other feelings I was struggling with, I realized I needed to make some changes. It was time for me take control and define my own identity for my 44 year old self.
As strange as it may sound, one of the first places I went looking for answers was the cemetery. As I walked through and read different headstones, I realized something. You never see inscriptions that read, “He was such a hard worker,” or “He was a great millionaire”. Instead, you see inscriptions like “Beloved husband, father and friend,” and “A truly cherished son, brother and grandson.”
As I stood there in the middle of the cemetery, I wondered what would happen if I died on that day. What would my family and friends say about me? What would they write on my headstone?
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Through that experience and others, I’ve completely changed my perspective. No longer will I let my career and the craziness of life overshadow the things that are important to me. Never again will I allow a job, or the person deciding whether or not I keep that job, have that amount of influence over my life.
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That’s something no employer can ever take away from me.
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I may not be able to change the social norm that reinforces the characterization and assumptions we make about people based on their job. But, what I can, and have changed, is how I define my identity and my manhood. At parties and networking events, people are still going to ask me what I do. But when I answer that question now, I can confidently explain that my work is just a small part of who I am as a person.
Today my identity, or what Merriam – Webster defines as my distinguishing character or personality is being the best husband, father and friend I can be. That’s something no employer can ever take away from me.
That’s how I found my true manhood and identity.
What will you do to find yours?
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Photo: Flickr/ Mike Hoff