‘Just For Men’ Products, The Complete List of List of Foods and Life Accessories Required by Manly Modern Men**
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**A satire. Just so we’re clear. Because most “Just For Men” products of this ilk make about as much sense as the pink “Bic for Her” Pen. I mean, for goodness sakes, they have an ongoing series about these kind of products over at The Daily Dot called “Are Men OK?“:
Mantry is the food delivery for men, a service hinted in their tagline, “Food for Men.” “The definitive destination for modern men looking to discover American artisan food and how to cook and entertain with it, Mantry is an engaging food lifestyle resource,” they write on their site. It features food that men like—bacon, sriracha, jerky. And it is all “artisanal,” with 1 percent of the proceeds go to City Harvest, a fantastic charity that “rescues” food from greenmarkets and restaurants and redistributes it to hungry families. . . . Mantry declined to comment to the Daily Dot about why artisanal food needs to be coded as masculine, but the choices they make reveal a deeper truth about who is socially allowed to eat what. A Mantry box is full of whiskey-based sauces and syrups, pork rinds and other fatty meats, and anything spicy. Bold, intense, a little scary—just what we expect men to be.
The answer: We’re fine, thank you very much. But we share your slack-jawed wonder at the lengths that some marketing folks will go these days. I mean the Manwich was one thing. But now? It’s a bit out of control. And when you combine the impulse to market to a particular gender and mix in our modern hipster sensibilities, you get some truly ridiculous products.
So without further adieu, we present our modern hipster manly man shopping list. In the style of a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency – List:
- Single-malt micro-barrelled scotch
- Handcrafted bourbon
- Sustainably hand-rolled cigars, featuring organically grown pretty-much-local tobacco from Cuba. (Thanks, Obama!)
- Thick-cut artisanally cured bacon, with extra fat and extra salt. Extra satisfying for those manly appetites.
- Hot sauce (just to keep in our bag, in case we run into Beyonce). That’s right, our man bag, or if you will, our satchel. What? It’s very practical. It’s where we keep all our things. Indiana Jones wears one. OK, fine. It’s a man purse (‘Murse’).
- For Men – Toothpaste (‘ManPaste?’)
- For Men – Shampoo (‘ManPoo’) – this is actually a thing. ‘Manditioner’ too. Seriously. Bold. Rugged. Deep cleansing.
- Yogurt that we can eat without looking like nancy girls – ‘Brogurt.’ This is also a thing that exists in the real world: “suited to address the unique health and nutrition needs of the most neglected consumers in the category: men,” it packs a protein punch by providing the same amount of protein per serving, but (wait for it), increasing the size of the container.
- Yoga pants (‘Mants?’) to wear to our not-delicate-at-all-yoga-is-
totally-manly-shut-up-ok yoga class - ‘Bronuts’ – not a thing, but couldn’t it be? A delicious indulgence, for after yoga…Donuts, but more masculine than the ordinary run-of-the-mill kind.
Did we miss any?
What would be in your Man-Box?
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Photo Credit: Mantry