00:01
they’re upstairs right now they’re
00:05
almost always upstairs when they come
00:07
down there will be all glistening smiles
00:09
and French cuffed handshakes they will
00:11
laugh like news anchors they will point
00:13
at each other and nod like teammates
00:15
after a touchdown only you could have
00:18
handled that PowerPoint presentation bro
00:20
from your three sided Muslim litter box
00:23
after your 13th interoffice email this
00:25
morning and your third cup of coffee
00:27
after wondering how badly you’d have to
00:30
cut yourself for them to send you home
00:31
you will wonder what it must be like
00:33
upstairs your bosses are lizard people
00:37
your bosses are the Illuminati your boss
00:40
is our trust fund baby private school
00:42
frat boys sorority Mean Girl date
00:45
rapists if they could your bosses would
00:48
work you to death and skip your funeral
00:50
for a weekend ski trip to Vail a trip
00:53
that they take as a reward for cutting
00:54
costs by killing you your bosses don’t
00:57
hate you they despise you your bosses
01:01
care much more about their watches than
01:04
they do about your family your bosses
01:06
look at each other in the eyes and say
01:08
things like the squeaky wheel gets the
01:10
grease let’s square this circle we
01:13
should blue sky this and they mean it as
01:15
a reminder that you are not a native
01:18
speaker of their stupid alien language
01:20
upstairs has to be fucking glorious
01:23
right there’s a swing set and Shetland
01:26
ponies you’re see you know knows a
01:29
little magic not tricks mind you actual
01:32
fucking conjuring there copy machine is
01:35
r2d2 they take two-hour lunch breaks
01:37
catered by celebrity chefs while they
01:40
discuss the most depressing shade of tan
01:42
they could paint your break room and the
01:45
efficacy of cubicles as torture devices
01:47
everyone upstairs must be fucking each
01:50
other which is not at all the same as
01:52
all of you down here just getting fucked
01:55
in their cashmere cowl-neck virgin wool
01:59
waistcoats they will come to you like
02:01
lambs and ask you to work the weekend
02:03
they will remind you with cufflinks and
02:05
Burberry scarves and immaculate sharp
02:07
teeth that where they come from there is
02:10
ours an underling and they will tell you
02:12
that it’s time to go big of
02:14
go home except in this scenario going
02:17
home is not an option there they will
02:20
reach down your throat with perfectly
02:22
manicured nails and scrape out your last
02:25
bit of self-respect and show it to you
02:27
they will call you family as they cut
02:29
out your tongue so they can use it to
02:31
seal envelopes upstairs there is a
02:35
rainbow that ends at a file cabinet
02:37
filled with all your hopes and dreams
02:39
and at the end of each day your boss is
02:42
pulling out at random and light it on
02:44
fire with the smouldering ends of their
02:47
Cuban cigars they laugh about how it’s
02:49
possible to trap an animal in a cage
02:51
with only three sides they think about
02:54
money and love it as much as you love
02:57
whatever aspiration is ablaze in their
02:59
waste paper baskets your bosses are evil
03:02
maybe they weren’t always maybe long ago
03:06
they hope to do something more than
03:07
crush spirits and squeeze a glistening
03:10
quarterly report from the souls of their
03:12
subordinates but that part of them is
03:15
long dead just like yours will be if you
03:19
let them kill
03:21
[Applause]
◊♦◊
Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood
◊♦◊
Talk to you soon.
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