There’s been plenty of debate over Tom’s latest editorials—see here and here—centered on why it’s problematic to vilify smut and its (mostly male) consumers. I’ve been very publicly on board with this argument: I have very few problems with peddling fantasy*, and I don’t believe my shallow amusements (i.e., boobs on a page) reveal deep-seated misogyny or a lack of self-respect.
Men aren’t slaves to images of skin. We know the difference between what’s on the computer screen (or the Photoshopped page) and who’s in our bed. Adults who indulge in mindless self-pleasure (read: everyone) aren’t being made stupider; they know damn well what they’re doing. Case in point: the commenter who admitted he can project on Katy Perry whatever he wants her to be, and he likes it that way. Fantasy, by definition.
Even on YouPorn, there’s a certain integrity in its garish, unapologetically tasteless onslaught of ass. It’s a detour away from the civilized world—exactly as it should be. It’s no insult to men’s intelligence to let us compartmentalize our lives into sex and not sex. We know that fantasy is exactly that: fantasy.
So I’m begging, please, Esquire, stop pretending like it’s not.
No masturbator will argue that his onanism is an intellectual pursuit, a lofty aspiration. No one will seriously say that the Women We Love—none of whom we’ll ever know or love like our partners—are anything but Women We’d Love to Bang.
No one except Esquire. Actually, that’s exactly the lie it’s feeding us: that our shallowest fantasies define our entire character. Only in the lad-mag universe does a guy’s momentary vision of a woman riding a giant banana embody Man at His Best. What’s more, only here is this brand of heteronormative, prepackaged sexuality presented as the only kind.
In a world where the end-all-be-all of the male experience is laying pipe, men, reduced to walking hard-ons, are as disposable as the mags. But we know we’re more than that. We know that men who turn down sex, men who take submissive roles in bed, and men who focus on their partner’s pleasure in addition to (or instead of) their own aren’t wusses or manginas. We know that male victims of sexual abuse are, yes, victims, and saying “man up” isn’t sufficient help.
But sometimes we forget, because in all of the messages men are barraged with, not one of these instincts is confirmed.
*Via Andrew Ladd, here’s a longer discussion about coercion, exploitation, abuse, and ambiguous consent.
—Photo via Images.com