There’s been plenty of debate over Tom’s latest editorials—see here and here—centered on why it’s problematic to vilify smut and its (mostly male) consumers. I’ve been very publicly on board with this argument: I have very few problems with peddling fantasy*, and I don’t believe my shallow amusements (i.e., boobs on a page) reveal deep-seated misogyny or a lack of self-respect.
Men aren’t slaves to images of skin. We know the difference between what’s on the computer screen (or the Photoshopped page) and who’s in our bed. Adults who indulge in mindless self-pleasure (read: everyone) aren’t being made stupider; they know damn well what they’re doing. Case in point: the commenter who admitted he can project on Katy Perry whatever he wants her to be, and he likes it that way. Fantasy, by definition.
Even on YouPorn, there’s a certain integrity in its garish, unapologetically tasteless onslaught of ass. It’s a detour away from the civilized world—exactly as it should be. It’s no insult to men’s intelligence to let us compartmentalize our lives into sex and not sex. We know that fantasy is exactly that: fantasy.
So I’m begging, please, Esquire, stop pretending like it’s not.
No masturbator will argue that his onanism is an intellectual pursuit, a lofty aspiration. No one will seriously say that the Women We Love—none of whom we’ll ever know or love like our partners—are anything but Women We’d Love to Bang.
No one except Esquire. Actually, that’s exactly the lie it’s feeding us: that our shallowest fantasies define our entire character. Only in the lad-mag universe does a guy’s momentary vision of a woman riding a giant banana embody Man at His Best. What’s more, only here is this brand of heteronormative, prepackaged sexuality presented as the only kind.
In a world where the end-all-be-all of the male experience is laying pipe, men, reduced to walking hard-ons, are as disposable as the mags. But we know we’re more than that. We know that men who turn down sex, men who take submissive roles in bed, and men who focus on their partner’s pleasure in addition to (or instead of) their own aren’t wusses or manginas. We know that male victims of sexual abuse are, yes, victims, and saying “man up” isn’t sufficient help.
But sometimes we forget, because in all of the messages men are barraged with, not one of these instincts is confirmed.
*Via Andrew Ladd, here’s a longer discussion about coercion, exploitation, abuse, and ambiguous consent.
—Photo via Images.com
I am of two minds. I watch porn, and I enjoy it, but I do have to agree that it makes me a little nervous about how it may prompt men to view women. I am not a man myself, so I can’t actually speak for how it causes men to view the women around them, but it does make me a little uncomfortable because I don’t want to tell men to stop watching porn. That would be hypocritical. I think it’s also a fair question to ask how porn makes women view men. I know for myself, it give… Read more »
I have no problem with men consuming porn. None at all. I do have a problem though… there isn’t a single magazine by & for men… that actually extols the virtues of women for anything except their ass. Not a single lad mag or even ‘higher class’ mag has a single article on a woman who has achieved something that has nothing to do with her tits or ass. In fact… the opposite is true. You will find nearly all portrayals of intrepid, intellectual women who fall short of Megan Fox looks will be negative. Name calling and derision is… Read more »
I would agree that a man’s interest in porn doesn’t mean he is a misogynist or has no self respect. But I do think on a certain level, he compartmentalizes the respect he has for women. When a man defends sexual media, that man is on a certain level defending the objectification and use of a woman’s body for his own pleasure. And sure, as a man, you can compartmentalize that in your own head. But when you promote that compartmentalization as something that is actually good, you hurt men and women more. Because men can’t have it both ways.… Read more »
Hi Erin,
I wish I had time today to give your critique the response it deserves, and I apologize. You might have read Natasha Vargas-Cooper’s Atlantic essay on porn as a Heart of Darkness–style glimpse into the frightening basic impulses of male sexuality. (You seem to be drawing from it here.) You ought to check out Tana Ganeva’s reaction to it on AlterNet. You might find, as I did, that her argument is way better reasoned and researched than my ramblings here.
http://www.alternet.org/sex/149625/the_anti-male,_anti-sex_falsehoods_that_rule_discussions_about_porn_and_sexuality/
Here are some additional thoughts. First of all, I know the porn industry isn’t all fine and dandy. I don’t care about censoring its content and packaging. But I care immensely about regulating its production—severely unhealthy industry practices, ambiguous consent, lax STD screening, etc. Regarding misogyny, I don’t think porn is the causal problem—it’s a mirror, not an arbiter, of our culture’s preexisting attitudes about sex. But I seriously disagree with the generalization that porn exacerbates an outdated virgin/whore double standard to the extent that men will disrespect partners whose sexual tastes aren’t vanilla. Some unenlightened men do, of course,… Read more »
If you’re an example of a ‘real woman’ that men should forsake porn in order to be with, I’ll opt for anything Larry Flynt is peddling any day of the week. I suspect my MILF girlfriend will feel the same way. She watches more porn than I do.